I wonder if you know yet...

“I wonder if you know yet that you’ll leave me. That you are a child playing with matches and I have a paper body. You will meet a girl with a softer voice and stronger arms and she will not have violent secrets or an affection for red wine or eyes that never stay dry. You will fall into her bed and I’ll go back to spending Friday nights with boys who never learn my last name. I have chased off every fool who has tried to sleep beside me You think it’s romantic to fuck the girl who writes poems about you. You think I’ll understand your sadness because I live inside my own. But I will show up at your door at 2 am, wild-eyed and sleepless. and try and find some semblance of peace in your breastbone and you will not let me in. You will tell me to go home.”

- Clementine von Radics Tumblr

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I wonder if you know yet... that we will not last. That at some point in time, you will have to accept the reality we have fought so hard against. We are not compatible - we aren't born to be together. You don't love me enough and I demand so much more. I would like to be loved and cared for by someone who desires to make sure I am really ok, someone who wants to hold me a little tighter to make up for that 6 years I wander the world on my own, someone who watches my sleep, fights away my nightmare and stands by me as I confront my fear... You are not that person and I have no idea why we are still here in this awkward box of shame...

I cannot give you what you want - a calmer pond, gorgeous sunshine... I am wide awake at 4 a.m. with tears-stained cheeks about to break down. I am lost in my own world even when I am surrounded by thousands of people. I am scared of past loss and future misfortune. I am fearful of people. I am self-conscious with my scars, imprinted on fragile skin.

Love alone is not enough, I know because I had loved you with my all. I just don't know how... A clumsy earnest child playing with crystal ornament.

The ruins were expected. 

Ruins

A count down
I am a girl with
an expiration date branded
on her head, bright red and
excruciating. It-
reminds me that love
isn't forever and perhaps it was
an illusion - sweet despair sweet
sweet dream, wake up...

"Stop ruining love by wanting it so badly"
Should have known it better, should have learned my lessons,
should have just let go
I walked into a dead end, just to smash my heart against the concrete.
My love is strong, my heart seems solid - How
FOOLISH to believe in cruel fairy tales
Lovers will eventually come together - they told me.
If you wish upon the stars - they told me.
Lie, lie, lie
What I have left in my hands are
ruins of a sweet despair.

Let go, Linh. Let go.
And go home. Build a home - a safe place
for your heart and hide
I can't do this anymore.
I can't.
I
just
can't

Is it all?

"Is it all

Or are we just friends?"

---

It happens like a flash. You turned the radio on and somewhat somehow a song of the past was on. And you caught yourself smiling a bittersweet one, a will-this-ever-end one, and the aftertaste wasn't any pretty. 

It saddens me how my life seems like a broken record. At this rate, I will soon add in a few more words into my hate list - and swear I would never use them again, or let them be used to describe me: such pathetic adjective like "nice" and such grey zone lazy noun like "friend". 

This time round, I am a tart happier. Yes, happier, and I count it my blessing. 

In a few minutes I will laugh these all off, and yes, it's another self-created drama, but this moment in time, I heard a silently roaring ocean in my head, whispering carelessly one word: Abandoned. again and again like wave crashing into rocky shores. . . And if this confuses you much, then again, this is for my sanity - another selfish record I keep. . . for the day to come, so that once I must, I will let go. I hope it will come easy - that I will come to a tranquil  point where I can take a deep breath and let go of just another thing I have been holding too close to my heart. 

I am actually sorry for the people whose mood was damped thanks to my post on facebook. Just because I get to spend Christmas alone in an apartment in Seattle - it doesn't mean anyone has to go down the drain with me and feel sorry for the little girl, throwing her head back on an abandoned swing...

I am a tart happier this time round, I am. 

----

"When you reach the bottom it's now or never."

If today, tmy world comes to an end

 

If  today, my world ever comes to an end, I have no regrets.

I have traveled, I have lived.

I have walked among strangers - and made friends

I have wandered in absolute solitude, and cried my heart out in the center of the world.

I have told my parents how much I love them, almost every single day.

I have found my passion, been living my dreams as a poorly/unpaid teacher.

I have made positive impacts on lives of many, even in a subtle ways.

 

 

If today, my world ever comes to an end, I have no regrets.

I have loved and I have made the person I adore know how special he is to me. 

I have kissed under the bright moonlight, 

and woke up, listening to the sound of his breathing.

I have fell for him, and yet learned to stay at peace with my mind

that his happiness will never be my pain

and my happiness must not solely depend on whether or not, he's with me

for another day.

I have learned to be glad - "us", we happen at all.

 

 

If today, my world ever comes to an end, I have no regrets.

Even though we never said we loved one another yet - and perhaps we never will, I will close my eyes remembering the desperation in our last hug goodbye, the tears in his eyes when I said I cared and sincerely meant it, the warmth of his skin against mine and his touches, his textes goodmorining and the stories we shared. For once in my life, I have wondered what "love" was and whether or not my idealistic definition of "love" was a tart overrated. For once I didn't mind being questioned and challenged - for once, I did not mind being wrong.  

Even so, I still have A LOT in mind; so many places I haven't been to, so many amazing people I haven't conversed - so now let me get back to my darn statement of purpose - and people, stop whining cuz until I make this world a better place for my students, my children - the world is not going to end.

 

 

 

It's just not. So hang in there.

You.

#1: "Wanted to tell you this last night, but it was late, and I had a room mate, who probably already knew that I am weird but still... I smiled like an idiot last night :") when you updated your FB page like I asked"

#2: "Ok, I did a bit of a happy dance as well... I haven't met someone like you before that's why it's so hard for me to adjust. You would rather die than say a promise you may not be able to keep, or words that may mean too much to me. But you went ahead and performed my requests"

#3: "Who does that? I only know people who say yes to my face and then forget or ignore and I hate those people but why is it so hard for me to appreciate your way and order of things???"

#4: "Anyway, I had no expectation and even if you didn't do it, I wouldn't be mad or get all upset with you. The fact that you did it ...made me so so so happy. I thought you should know ^^"

#5: "... Did I make it all awkward again :( ?"

-------

"Not at all. I really appreciated your messages.:) you're never awkward with me."

-------

What am I going to do with myself now that I am with you, when I am already too broken, too used to being independent and proud, too jaded with broken vows and forsaken promises?

What am I going to do with myself now that I am with you, when you come with no promises of a future we both are uncertain of, no labels of any sorts, no sweet lip-service words of comfort but you would go out of your way to perform my requests and make me smile like a fool?

What am I supposed to do?

-------

#6: "Question! Does my neediness annoy you yet?"

-------

"Not at all. You just think your needy cuz you've never asked for anything in your life."

-------

May I ask for something for once then? May I wake up, knowing that you are still here - perhaps, for another day so that I can smile the way I do when I am sincerely happy ... just for another day?

Is it too much to ask for?

the Death of November

The Death of November

for you, who came with the rainbow 

thank you for a  year of learning together, and eventually growing apart. 

I am leaving. But no, I am not abandoning you. I am just not holding on to you anymore.

Why? Because it is emotionally exhausting; I am drained and dried up to the point where I find no strength to wait for something t
o happen anymore. And because I am also human, I can only go on - unappreciated, un-cared for, unrecognized for so long.

I was told love was supposed to be unconditional - well, not really! November is dying and I have come to the point where I am pretty certain you had already mastered the next level of forgetting my existence. It's not like it's a deliberate decision - I am not offended. Because it's you, because it's me, because it's my curse to accept and appreciate you the oblivious way that you are :) I am letting go. like returning a balloon to the sky, the dandelion to the wind.

At the end of this string, I feel weightless like I don't even know what I am holding on for anymore. Don't worry. I am not sad about the disappearance of "us" - I am just sad that I have become indifferent, up to the point I don't bother to pull the red string that once connected us, to confirm the other loose end.

If anything, please remember that I did all that I could - up to the point I could not anymore. The path we shared - I will always remember every step, every stone, every wild rose with thorn on the side walk. If anything, remember I once adored you, perhaps still, perhaps just not as much anymore.

leave

The bus will come tomorrow and I guess it's time you leave. I don't know if I will get that goodbye hug at all - but knowing me, I am never picky when it comes to farewells so... I guess I will just assume that you couldn't find me.

Or, I will make up another lame excuse to compensate for the lack of love, care and the fact that I mean almost nothing, just the girl you really really like but that's not quite love. 

The bus will come tomorrow and you will be home with the people you love. I will be here in the empty building and wonder where all these will go. Too late to erase all the tight hugs and late night walk - because I had already been inked with your carefree spirit. As if it was tangible, as if it even makes any sense at all... 

So leave! I remember once, I asked you to get out of my room, shut my door first before you knock on hers - and you went ahead, carelessly without the second thought that once that door is shut - that's the end of us forever. 

I meant forever, but I couldn't bring myself to do it, to just leave though it should have been the right decision.

That night...

Neither you nor I managed to cry - there were tears in your eyes when you refused my hug because if you allowed me to, it only meant the end, that I was dropping you and once again, I would run away. And you still wanted a chance for us... to grow. 

Leave, I will be here making up excuses and reasons for why there would be no text messages, no contact - no trace of my existence in your life

And though you told me: "even when I am sitting next to my grandma, I will still be thinking of you..." Cruelly I feel glad...

That I exist in your mind after all...