The difference_02 "Just"

GLEE:

Emma Pillsbury stood up, turned around and walked off in her beautiful wedding gown

Will Schuester (held her hand, trying to stop her): Emma, I just left my wife
Emma (stopped midway, turned to look at Will deep in his eyes): Yes, Will, you just left your wife.

*****

I always find Lit amazing how it peals off layers and layers of truth and let me see the naked, barren, most honest emotion the writer/speaker tries to protect himself with this clumsy cover. I also find "it" amazing how one word - that full mouth of air breath into life such vast, sky-earth gap between two opposing intentions

Today, the story of just

His "just" demands her understanding, sympathy. His "just" emphasizes on his short-term, current open-raw wound  heartbreak. Look, he only had the strength to break away from an empty marriage. Look, why couldn't she see his effort? Someone his grunt marks a hint of triumphant - I did it, maybe, but maybe not... for you

but hers

But dear, her "just" said it all: "you just left your wife." he "just" while he should, should, should really have done it decades ago. She waited and waited and waited for him to realize his decaying marriage needs to be banished. Her "just" depicts the final drop of tears that trigger the outpour of her bottled up emotion - it wasn't short term, it wasn't a moment of despair... It was years, and years of exhaustion. Yes, now he did, yes now he finally realized it... but "you just left your wife." she said and she knows that was not enough... it was too late and not enough

*****

"We don't "JUST"" - mark my words, none of us really "just" do something

rightly wrong

You exhale your favorite line

full of pretentious confidence

"You are 

all 

wrong

...

ALL 

WRONG!"

Insecurely, you point your finger

(the beautiful finger I love)

then burst in your nervous laughter

(the trembling voice that shatters my nerve)

"I can't be wrong...

I can't, I just can't"

And I smile.

brush things aside

"I guess, you are right, I may be wrong

maybe

I am all wrong"

loving you I notice not,

left or right - I care for only your way

night or day - as long as, by my side, you stay.

But one thing I know for sure

I am only all wrong

for loving you this much

***

I don't mind being all wrong

so that you can be all right.

so that you can be alright. 

as long as you are

alright

AKTF

This is the note I wrote under the latest chapter of my fic: A chance of sunshine_chap7. Never mind the fic ^^, however the message below is something I really want to share with you guys. Always keep the faith

......................................................................................

Dearest reader(s),

Thank you for your support to this fic so far, though most of the time, I look at it and wonder if this is a mere fan-girl's obsession with DBSK eps. U-Know. Still I write on, not knowing how many of you out there who are actually following this fic - it's not the number that counts.

it's the faith

Today fan-dom was shattered. Some died a little too much inside, some could not face the truth - some cry - some ... I do not know, we face a whole lot of different emotions. This only proves one thing, DBSK is love, DBSK plays too much of an important role in our hearts.

Having said so, I have read such negative fb status today. "Not all gods create miracle. Farewell DBSK" and I was deeply hurt. IF THEY DO NOT CREATE MIRACLES, THEN WHO DOES? Look at us, look at our lives, look at those moments- thanks to them we survive. When my grandmother passed away, if not for Holding back the tears, Kiss shita mama goodbye, I don't think I could have made it through that flight back from Singapore to Vietnam. When I was l discouraged, there was Bolero, Rising sun, there was Tomorrow will come. For a simple suspension in Japan, how could fan turn away so fast? They were suspended as a group in Korea last year... it's just time, seriously, SM creeps their hands into Avex's part of the responsibility. Until the lawsuit is finalized, it's only necessary that their group activities paused - so the whole law suit things can be in full swing

Never mind my interpretation. Never mind if you think I am making excuse, creating false hope to hang on. Having said that, I believe some will leave fandom very soon. Many of my readers - my assumption that there are actually readers, will have a vague guess that this fic will end here, sooner or later.

But guess what? I am not a fan-girl. I stand behind their back and with many other true red blooded Cassie, form this system of support to DBSK - now and forever, as 1 DBSK and as 5 individual members. 

So as long as I still breath, as long as there is still internet on the land I stand, still electricity for me to plug my laptop - this I promise you, this fic will not die a premature death, the same fate goes to my secret plan for a full 5 DBSK boys novels. Changmin's Evergreen will come next after A chance of sunshine. I never want to say something before things are pretty much done. But for this moment, I will utter my plan out loud - so there is no way I can loose this fighting spirit, take back my words and turn my back against something/ someone I believe in so much.

I say enough, and I will talk no more. For while I am talking senseless, I know Yunho is working hard, JJ is getting drunk, Changmin is watch porn (jk) - I do think he is busy with the drama and school work, Yuchun is expecting his new sit com and of course Junsu is preparing for the Untitled single. None of them stop working.None of them stop trying to do their best for great public appearance - so we do not have to miss them so much. SO I don't want to loose out to them. I don't want to look at their success and achievement and AWWWWWW or WOOOOWWW about it. As much as DBSK makes Cass proud, it's only fair, we keep faith and support them - in turn make them proud for who we are - their extremely mature and dignified fandom.

So take care, everyone. If you are a student, ACE your exams. If you are a nurse, be KIND to your patients. If you are a dreamer, ACHIEVE your goals. Whoever you are, if you have ever called yourself their Cassie, make them proud. For bloody hell, they freaking deserve our trust.


Your Writer,
Linhieee

...

gọi tên anh mãi... suốt cơn mê này

1April, 1988 - 1April, 2010

Toki wo Tomete

Please stop the time...

*****

If I could make the time stand still, could I? should I? would I?

Till this moment I still wonder why

You, insisting on our goodbye

Please stop the time 

If I had magic in my hand

Would I create a miracle? Give us another chance?

Would it stop you from leaving?

Would it return us to the very beginning

Would a while longer make any sense?

Even eternity? when you decided to let go of my hands?

It's OK. I won't try to stop the time

So there -  I won't ask you to stay.

If it's your decision to walk away

Please, let the time flow

for I, I will grow

No matter how devastated I would feel

One day, time will make my heart heal

No matter how far I have to go

One day, sky above the mountain I conquer will no longer snow 

There, on top, I will scream out your name

the one I loved, my source of pain

You chose to leave, me - to grow up
For we both know, enough is enough

It's over

No embrace lasts forever

Don't stop the time

5mar

... what belongs to the heart, stays within the protection of the heart...

for all that I knew, I cried quiet tears... for something words failed to define, my very limited vocab failed miserably to capture... and for another, more important reason: happiness. My childhood friend, 1989 born got married with her fiance (they had already been engaged for more than a year) on the 5th of March. I watched her walking down the aisle in beautiful wedding dress... on the 5th of March.

on the 5th a March, I learn one thing true, that day - once filled with the laughter of my happiness, once soaked with the radiant of my glow - will eternally remain in the memory of my youth and never will it be, officially ours. How can you defend a guy who is never there? How can you silence the howling longing of the past?

Thousands of "how" ... but then... like a river, time flows... Like a river, ignorant, not knowing "when" and "how" it actually, already enters the sea.

I move on

*****

I got my result
^^ I have never been a kid who received great grades, but I have always been a kid who is satisfied with what she's got. So, just say, I am happy for my A

Brushing teeth in the center of the world

Diving down to the rock bottom of my heart... days and months has passed yet I feel almost unconscious about the idea of time. It has become hard to figure out what's the date today, when all I have been doing is sleeping and reading and writing fiction. Sometime, you will see a turquoise Vespa rushing across the streets, with a long hair girl who now always wears sneaker or flats - with a pair of heels in the treasure box of the Vespa, waiting to be taken out and repalced- that would be me. I read like a starving kid eating for the first time after a horrid 1 week. Books that I bought but never had a chance to chew now pile up in the "already read" section. From South Korean writer to Canadian, Tablo, Audrey Niffenegger, Atwood, ... I read lyrics, strange jazz sent by Darryl. - still trying to memorize those hardcore Japanese music... Of course you will always want to sing your obsessed song beyond the chorus Tokiwo Tomete, don't you? Well I do.

I play with the water mark on my desk, writing out a name I loved, an issue that disturbed me to the core... or just a strange strange figure that hides the true meaning of my turbulence. It has been almost a month, or maybe more since I left Chiang mai. The emotion is raw, the trip was fabulous, the girl I love the foreign family who makes me feel as if I were just born there a year before Ruam, and had been living there a great part of my life.

But then again, as I promised I will talk about brushing teeth. I never quite get straight to the topic I always intended, don't I? What with Chiang Mai and Ruam? What's with what I have been up to? There is always a link. Life's like that, though vague, there is still a connection. Having said much, I should really fulfill my promise right now. It's laughable - but I enjoy this comaprision. Brushing your teeh in the center of the world.

*****

I watched More Than Blue with Chi Bi snooring evenly on the other side of the bed, somewhere in a hotel in Chiangmai. Depressing movie - which amazingly did not get me even close to tear up (outside or inside). In that mess of the desperate attempts to jerk tears out of auidience's eyes... there was a beautiful spark of wit. Cut the story short. Mr. A loves Miss. B desperately BUT he was dying -.-" typical Korean movie AND so he wants to marry her off to the next Mr. Perfect man. A thought B know nothing about his sickness and quiet suffering - well she does. SO, once asked what A's most desired wish is, he tells B nonchalantly: to see you married to a wonderful husband. Well, as room mate, lovers - brother-sister-ish for decades, of course B wants to fulfill her man's last wish. SO, she goes on and declare her love for Mr. P - i.e. the perfect man (I am telling you, I know you know, we know I have not that much interest in this plot -.-"" not at all, but it linked to the story I want to share, so I must tell - bear with me then). Unfortunately Mr. P was already engaged to Miss. Photographer - who of course canNOT care less about the marriage, being an artist herself. So A, under tha assumption that B loves P so so much. He goes on and begs Miss Photographer to give up the engagement -.-"

She will, under the ONE condition... Since his days are counted - i.e. he knows how many day left till he dies, he must let her take picture of him - an artist she is... such model with devastating story and background cannot be missed. SO SO SO... here was the line

She was poiting her camera into his face, shooting non-stop. He was annoyed to the core, trying to brush aside such intrusion to his private moment
She: What's love?
He:  ... - does not bother to answer
She:... - shoot even more pictures in his face -  What's love?
He: Love is like brushing teeth.
She: Huh? But, don't we brush teeth alone? (what she meant was that, brushing teeth is a purely individual act while love is mutal)
He: Yes! Precisely, you don't brush your teeth for the world to see, just like love, it's a private affair. When you love, you know it within yourself, isn't that enough?

The conversation, soacked in bitternes and boldness, struck me with a thought. Love - feelings - all that intimate beauty had been publically displayed. We see people kissing in the streets - Yes... minding my own business - We see blog entries with elaborated details upon WHAT we love, HOW we love... all that things - and I wonder...

How often have I? have we brushed teeth in the middle of the street?

When love is a private matter... love, hate, lover at his age - we can love each other like NO others today, sworn death and eternity tomorrow and within split second - like Margaret Atwood said, it all turns past tense. What was sweet turns sour. What was seemingly everlasting turns stupidity. So we swear and we scream and we shout and we make a big mess out of all. Brush your teeth in the center of the world. Such a vanity fair...

I was not an exception myself, having my heart displayed i.e. brushing my teeth in the middle of Orchard road, I guess, in pj and uncombed hair - I assume. Now that it all knocks sense into me. What belongs to the heart, stays within the protection of the heart.

... and for all that I care, all you lovers, please continue your act of public display of affection... public more those photos of kissing and touching and whatever-ing, I wish you well, wish to see these move soon in your onderful wedding picture... not torn and casted unwanted soacked with sour remark against one another... We all have loved each other once in your lives, don't we? Let love not be the pain.


I will brush my teeth at home, and walk out of the door, from this day one, greet the world with beautiful white teeth and refreshing breath. . . And this is just the life I want