Mothers' Day

Tonight as I held a child heating up with a fever in my arm, rocking the chair back and forth gently, singing softly all the bits and pieces of what was supposed to be a lullaby, I wonder how my own mother did it, how my grandmother did it (7times) and how all the mother in the world did it. As the boy gradually fell asleep soundly and peacefully, my shoulders went numb. In his dreams, he smiled.

My plan for the night to finish any kind of assignments was unexpectedly abandoned. He became the priority almost suddenly. I think of my mother and all the times she drops everything - every single thing without a second thought to give me her fullest attention... Did my childish selfish self take her for granted?

Mothers are heroes. Happy Mothers' Day to all these wonderful women in the world :) ! Thank you

The saddest part

That part when I took a deep breath and held it in my chest, muttering the deafening silence

That part when I made just another excuse for your hurtful comment and your heartless decision 

That part when I try to reason, try to see the absolute best in you, try to see things from your perspective 

That part when I bend my heart and make myself believe we aren't worth it, I am not worth it - the effort to hold on to

- I explain to others enough I almost start to believe in what I have been lying to myself
(so it hurts less, so its cut isn't too deep, so my weak smile can fool some naive eyes)

That was the most painful part of holding on to you. 

The game you never win

There are games you will never win, can never win - the game of break up.
If you cry your eyes out, if you hold on - you are clingy and annoying, you have no pride, you shameless being! That person already left you for good. That person already let go of all that you two build together for so long.
If you let go too coolly, you emotionless sonofabitch, you ruthless ice queen, you cold stone statue... that person means nothing to you? Doesn't matter if behind the closed door every fiber of your being shattered and you crumble onto the ground like Rome's very own ancient ruins.

So you stand there, frozen, like an idiot. Confused and cared to even breath because the very next action may hurt the one you (still) love to no end

but you don't know, your very own silence and that split moment in time when your confusion took over, your consideration can be misinterpreted anyway. You hurt him anyway. This fucked up game you can never win.

When there is no more love, there is no more comfort that could ever make up the empty space in your heart. Embrace the pain. It's gotta happen. It's gotta cut anyway.

that one day

that one day when I move on
that one day when I finally fall in love with someone else
... please understand that, a part of me will always love you and with my whole heart, I wish you, my dear, all the very very best. And please understand that, it's never because he is better than you in any way - shapes or forms. It's just because at this moment in my life, he's the most compatible to me and yes, I of today love him very very much in a very different way.

At that point of my life when we fell for one another, you were the very best, the most suitable, adorable, amazing and loveliest for me... And I did give my all to you. But as the saying goes, "sometimes when people grow, they grow apart" We made a decision to grow up by growing apart. It's one decision we both will have to live with, for the rest of our life.

My silly silly man-to-be, you are so so special to me. My first kiss, My first sneak-out, My first touch, My sweet despair, you are my first break up.

that one day when it happens... smile for me, because there shouldn't be any tears left - for I had cried them all, the day I tore my heart open and let you go.

I wonder if you know yet...

“I wonder if you know yet that you’ll leave me. That you are a child playing with matches and I have a paper body. You will meet a girl with a softer voice and stronger arms and she will not have violent secrets or an affection for red wine or eyes that never stay dry. You will fall into her bed and I’ll go back to spending Friday nights with boys who never learn my last name. I have chased off every fool who has tried to sleep beside me You think it’s romantic to fuck the girl who writes poems about you. You think I’ll understand your sadness because I live inside my own. But I will show up at your door at 2 am, wild-eyed and sleepless. and try and find some semblance of peace in your breastbone and you will not let me in. You will tell me to go home.”

- Clementine von Radics Tumblr

-------------

I wonder if you know yet... that we will not last. That at some point in time, you will have to accept the reality we have fought so hard against. We are not compatible - we aren't born to be together. You don't love me enough and I demand so much more. I would like to be loved and cared for by someone who desires to make sure I am really ok, someone who wants to hold me a little tighter to make up for that 6 years I wander the world on my own, someone who watches my sleep, fights away my nightmare and stands by me as I confront my fear... You are not that person and I have no idea why we are still here in this awkward box of shame...

I cannot give you what you want - a calmer pond, gorgeous sunshine... I am wide awake at 4 a.m. with tears-stained cheeks about to break down. I am lost in my own world even when I am surrounded by thousands of people. I am scared of past loss and future misfortune. I am fearful of people. I am self-conscious with my scars, imprinted on fragile skin.

Love alone is not enough, I know because I had loved you with my all. I just don't know how... A clumsy earnest child playing with crystal ornament.

The ruins were expected. 

Ruins

A count down
I am a girl with
an expiration date branded
on her head, bright red and
excruciating. It-
reminds me that love
isn't forever and perhaps it was
an illusion - sweet despair sweet
sweet dream, wake up...

"Stop ruining love by wanting it so badly"
Should have known it better, should have learned my lessons,
should have just let go
I walked into a dead end, just to smash my heart against the concrete.
My love is strong, my heart seems solid - How
FOOLISH to believe in cruel fairy tales
Lovers will eventually come together - they told me.
If you wish upon the stars - they told me.
Lie, lie, lie
What I have left in my hands are
ruins of a sweet despair.

Let go, Linh. Let go.
And go home. Build a home - a safe place
for your heart and hide
I can't do this anymore.
I can't.
I
just
can't

Is it all?

"Is it all

Or are we just friends?"

---

It happens like a flash. You turned the radio on and somewhat somehow a song of the past was on. And you caught yourself smiling a bittersweet one, a will-this-ever-end one, and the aftertaste wasn't any pretty. 

It saddens me how my life seems like a broken record. At this rate, I will soon add in a few more words into my hate list - and swear I would never use them again, or let them be used to describe me: such pathetic adjective like "nice" and such grey zone lazy noun like "friend". 

This time round, I am a tart happier. Yes, happier, and I count it my blessing. 

In a few minutes I will laugh these all off, and yes, it's another self-created drama, but this moment in time, I heard a silently roaring ocean in my head, whispering carelessly one word: Abandoned. again and again like wave crashing into rocky shores. . . And if this confuses you much, then again, this is for my sanity - another selfish record I keep. . . for the day to come, so that once I must, I will let go. I hope it will come easy - that I will come to a tranquil  point where I can take a deep breath and let go of just another thing I have been holding too close to my heart. 

I am actually sorry for the people whose mood was damped thanks to my post on facebook. Just because I get to spend Christmas alone in an apartment in Seattle - it doesn't mean anyone has to go down the drain with me and feel sorry for the little girl, throwing her head back on an abandoned swing...

I am a tart happier this time round, I am. 

----

"When you reach the bottom it's now or never."

If today, tmy world comes to an end

 

If  today, my world ever comes to an end, I have no regrets.

I have traveled, I have lived.

I have walked among strangers - and made friends

I have wandered in absolute solitude, and cried my heart out in the center of the world.

I have told my parents how much I love them, almost every single day.

I have found my passion, been living my dreams as a poorly/unpaid teacher.

I have made positive impacts on lives of many, even in a subtle ways.

 

 

If today, my world ever comes to an end, I have no regrets.

I have loved and I have made the person I adore know how special he is to me. 

I have kissed under the bright moonlight, 

and woke up, listening to the sound of his breathing.

I have fell for him, and yet learned to stay at peace with my mind

that his happiness will never be my pain

and my happiness must not solely depend on whether or not, he's with me

for another day.

I have learned to be glad - "us", we happen at all.

 

 

If today, my world ever comes to an end, I have no regrets.

Even though we never said we loved one another yet - and perhaps we never will, I will close my eyes remembering the desperation in our last hug goodbye, the tears in his eyes when I said I cared and sincerely meant it, the warmth of his skin against mine and his touches, his textes goodmorining and the stories we shared. For once in my life, I have wondered what "love" was and whether or not my idealistic definition of "love" was a tart overrated. For once I didn't mind being questioned and challenged - for once, I did not mind being wrong.  

Even so, I still have A LOT in mind; so many places I haven't been to, so many amazing people I haven't conversed - so now let me get back to my darn statement of purpose - and people, stop whining cuz until I make this world a better place for my students, my children - the world is not going to end.

 

 

 

It's just not. So hang in there.

You.

#1: "Wanted to tell you this last night, but it was late, and I had a room mate, who probably already knew that I am weird but still... I smiled like an idiot last night :") when you updated your FB page like I asked"

#2: "Ok, I did a bit of a happy dance as well... I haven't met someone like you before that's why it's so hard for me to adjust. You would rather die than say a promise you may not be able to keep, or words that may mean too much to me. But you went ahead and performed my requests"

#3: "Who does that? I only know people who say yes to my face and then forget or ignore and I hate those people but why is it so hard for me to appreciate your way and order of things???"

#4: "Anyway, I had no expectation and even if you didn't do it, I wouldn't be mad or get all upset with you. The fact that you did it ...made me so so so happy. I thought you should know ^^"

#5: "... Did I make it all awkward again :( ?"

-------

"Not at all. I really appreciated your messages.:) you're never awkward with me."

-------

What am I going to do with myself now that I am with you, when I am already too broken, too used to being independent and proud, too jaded with broken vows and forsaken promises?

What am I going to do with myself now that I am with you, when you come with no promises of a future we both are uncertain of, no labels of any sorts, no sweet lip-service words of comfort but you would go out of your way to perform my requests and make me smile like a fool?

What am I supposed to do?

-------

#6: "Question! Does my neediness annoy you yet?"

-------

"Not at all. You just think your needy cuz you've never asked for anything in your life."

-------

May I ask for something for once then? May I wake up, knowing that you are still here - perhaps, for another day so that I can smile the way I do when I am sincerely happy ... just for another day?

Is it too much to ask for?

the Death of November

The Death of November

for you, who came with the rainbow 

thank you for a  year of learning together, and eventually growing apart. 

I am leaving. But no, I am not abandoning you. I am just not holding on to you anymore.

Why? Because it is emotionally exhausting; I am drained and dried up to the point where I find no strength to wait for something t
o happen anymore. And because I am also human, I can only go on - unappreciated, un-cared for, unrecognized for so long.

I was told love was supposed to be unconditional - well, not really! November is dying and I have come to the point where I am pretty certain you had already mastered the next level of forgetting my existence. It's not like it's a deliberate decision - I am not offended. Because it's you, because it's me, because it's my curse to accept and appreciate you the oblivious way that you are :) I am letting go. like returning a balloon to the sky, the dandelion to the wind.

At the end of this string, I feel weightless like I don't even know what I am holding on for anymore. Don't worry. I am not sad about the disappearance of "us" - I am just sad that I have become indifferent, up to the point I don't bother to pull the red string that once connected us, to confirm the other loose end.

If anything, please remember that I did all that I could - up to the point I could not anymore. The path we shared - I will always remember every step, every stone, every wild rose with thorn on the side walk. If anything, remember I once adored you, perhaps still, perhaps just not as much anymore.

leave

The bus will come tomorrow and I guess it's time you leave. I don't know if I will get that goodbye hug at all - but knowing me, I am never picky when it comes to farewells so... I guess I will just assume that you couldn't find me.

Or, I will make up another lame excuse to compensate for the lack of love, care and the fact that I mean almost nothing, just the girl you really really like but that's not quite love. 

The bus will come tomorrow and you will be home with the people you love. I will be here in the empty building and wonder where all these will go. Too late to erase all the tight hugs and late night walk - because I had already been inked with your carefree spirit. As if it was tangible, as if it even makes any sense at all... 

So leave! I remember once, I asked you to get out of my room, shut my door first before you knock on hers - and you went ahead, carelessly without the second thought that once that door is shut - that's the end of us forever. 

I meant forever, but I couldn't bring myself to do it, to just leave though it should have been the right decision.

That night...

Neither you nor I managed to cry - there were tears in your eyes when you refused my hug because if you allowed me to, it only meant the end, that I was dropping you and once again, I would run away. And you still wanted a chance for us... to grow. 

Leave, I will be here making up excuses and reasons for why there would be no text messages, no contact - no trace of my existence in your life

And though you told me: "even when I am sitting next to my grandma, I will still be thinking of you..." Cruelly I feel glad...

That I exist in your mind after all...

The last

That hug, was the last of its kind.

- Walk with me, will you?

She smiled and he complied. "I will do anything you tell me to..." Was that a month ago when he said that to her? She remembered vividly the moment he whispered those exact words. She remembered how he begged and begged her to walk out of her room so that he can hug her and make it all better. She was so hurt that she hid inside her only safe haven - unwilling to compromise. "I will do anything you tell me to... Please come out" How easy? Today she just asked for a walk, a talk. He complied.

But she stopped in the middle of the road. She looked up to the tree on the side and wondered: "Is this tree beautiful enough? I will always remember this moment. I will" He was utterly confused by her action. She asked for a hug, which he unknowingly was too willing to give:

- No, not like that. Hug me like you mean it.

She said quietly, looking deep into his beautiful blue eyes. He was taken back by the strange request. And when they embraced, she wrapped her arms around him, truly hugged him for the first time - not tiptoeing around it. She inhaled his scent - and she heard the first crack in her heart... "Hang in there, love. This, too, will soon be over"

When she finally had the courage to let go, she whispered to him:

- This hug, will be the last of its kind.

Before he realized it, the gap between then had already widened. The color of the sky had already turned grey in her eyes. She stood on the other side of the world, lifeless, with her hair messed by the wind. The storm was coming. He saw the decision. He begged but it's far too late.

- Please don't say it. Don't change anything now. Please stay...

His words fell onto the ground and shattered, piece by piece. He was wrong - he could never read her. He couldn't see this coming. He couldn't prevent it.

- Please
- Sometimes, the heart cannot afford to be... just friends. I am sorry

They stood there, awkwardly. And when he walked away, refusing to believe it was over - all over. She felt this sense of odd calmness rushing over her. "There you go, you said it! Now let go..." She took a deep breath and watched strangers passing by - they knew nothing about what just happened a moment ago. They knew nothing about her fallen sky, the broken dreams, the withered blossom. No more late bus ride. No more sleeping on his shoulders. No more Chaka and little adventures. And she knows, soon enough that excruciating pain is going to hit her hard, shatter her to pieces; soon enough she will break down.

"That hug was the last of its kind... I wish it was longer. I wish it lasted forever. I am sorry it hurts too much, I can't do this anymore. I am sorry I love you... I am sorry I loved you."

My first

You are the first to my many things
My first bus-ride in America, something I love but never got to do
My rollerskating lesson, something I am fascinated by, but never got to learn

The first shoulder I slept on, barely asleep but tremendously nervous
...
What Future beholds for us? I don't know.
Right now, I am on a bus - and you are with me
All that I care.

This time...

This time, I will not think of 5, of 10, of 20 years ahead and wake up in cold sweats fearing for the future that has yet to come.

This time I will not try to make you promise, or tie your wings down with a crimson string.

This time, I will not try to analyze, or read between the lines, or complicate anything above and beyond what it is

---

This time, I just want to be with you - this moment, the presence an enjoy the gift of life given to me, without the fear of tomorrow, or the future.

This time, I just want to walk aimlessly - wander! dance in the rain! chase the wind ... and laugh wholeheartedly with you.

This time, I would like to be fair to my heart and for once, follow its call.

Thank you for being here.
With me.
Now.

Immune

He slipped away at the peak of his youth and I watched my worst nightmare coming to life. At the age of 18, there wasn't much I could do to salvage him. But now at the age of 23, shouldn't I be more confident? Shouldn't I already have gotten over my trauma? Why am I so troubled?


Not for a Sport

You don't break people
open
Cut them deep
Kick them where it hurts - the most
for a sport.

You don't say it - because it
hurts
just for the sake of proving you're
right. You don't just
inflict pain for a sport. Just, don't!

-----

To be able to read people, see their pain and sorrow beyond their smile is a gift... If you are not going to be there to catch them when they fall, then don't - don't push them off the edge.

Use your gift wisely. . .

-----

I literally have no idea what to do with you, my dear. I have no plan, no strategy. My "magic" doesn't work on you - you just don't LET it happen. I don't know what to do with myself either.

5 years - you think 5 years would make a difference, 5 years should make a difference. But why.don't.I.see.any.difference? At the age of 18, I watched my worst nightmare coming to life in vain. Now at the age of 23, shouldn't I be more confident? Shouldn't I already have gotten over my trauma? I am still dumbfounded and clueless. The 19 year old you aren't the 19 year old him - why oh why, all that I see is the jarring similarity between you two?


Life gives me a second chance. You are here for a reason. Don't walk around breaking down walls that people spend years to build for a sport. I will not give up on you, more so on us.

I am not going down without a fight.

...And tears run dry

My body convulsed into excruciating sob.

I clutched my sweaters, in the fear that my shattered heart pieces would find its escape out of my chest.

Ah... woman are like that.

 Mother once said: a woman can sell her soul for her children, die for husband, but she will go mad for a chance to be loved wholeheartedly.

And the tears of women in love, never run dry.

-----

October withers and Fall is dying, November is far out of reach - where have I been?

Here I am

Running away, I've tried
10 countries and 32 cities in one summer
Countless of people I met. Countless of faces I observed. Countless of names I whispered - just so I can drown away the thought of you.
Countless of adventures I embarked, who can count the number of miles I walked by? The vast sky and oceans I crossed - just so I wouldn't find the compass of my heart pointing your way.

I know they won't work, they didn't last because I have tried. Eventually, it happened this way. After a summer,  we met - a brief embrace that lasts no longer than 3 second. . . I am back to the vulnerable girl, whose heart longs to you.


----------------------

Your image was imprinted in my brain like a tattoo. And even when I close my eyes, trying to put my longing to rest, all I could see is you. I could not put it into words - this strange emotion that drives me off the edge on a regular basis. Until now, I am still wondering how this all happened, how I ended up here at this moment in time - entrapped in my own misery of an unrequited love.

Your paths collide at the wrong time in my life. I know it will never be right. I know I have broken so many rules (silly rules I created for myself, to govern my heart) because of you.

You are oblivious to the point of cruelty. . . and I am paralyzed here in this mess of self-created drama not knowing where to go next, what to do next. There is no future for us, you don't love me, not to mention love me enough to rewrite our destinies for one another. I wonder why oh why, I long for someone I cannot have, I should not have.

I am not searching for an answer - for I know it does not matter. One morning I wake up, the idea of us will fade. I will vaguely remember the pain that seems to be killing me today. One morning I wake up, and us

us

we are already history . . .

So I will wait. . .

Eun-oh to Arang:

"Long time no see. Where were you all day yesterday? The best you can do is avoiding me? I've tried it myself and it doesn't last.
The love I confessed to you, I will not take it back. Instead, I will wait, since you are the type of persons who do things when they please."

----

You can't take back love, or the love confessions you made. So hold on to that bit of sincerity and bravery in your heart to wait. . . Just hang in there.

our song

somewhere down the road, when our memories fail us, when you are no longer able to recall the foreign name of mine - please be sure, that I am just glad in the tales you tell your children, or a random stranger in the park:

I was "this girl" whom you used to know, "this girl" who in that particular moment in time loved you a lot and so so very much. . .
"this girl" who made an impact in your life.

if it is a burden, leave out my name, but remember :)
remember our song

I beg you pleae

I beg you please. . .
stop pretending that we never happened
that erasing "us" from the past is the best way to go on for the
two of us,
that I have never loved you with my whole heart
and that never did I hurt myself till the point of unconsciousness to
let
you
go
.
I beg you please
acknowledge this unrequited love
But no, you don't have to entertain me
or care about how
I make it through and stand here
now, smiling at you. It's my untold
story and I refuse to share it with
anyone, not even
YOU
.
If anything, I beg you please
remember: This girl in me who once loved you,
once lived
in this place - an island where tears never never dry
.

----------


I sat in the open air today and let the sun warmed my skin. Like an old book, being dried up after the humid spring, I stayed still.

I am back in Ashland. And all the reasons why I ran away from this land rushed back. I am overwhelmed by my emotions - like waves and waves of memories, I am the survivor of my own trauma.

These days I love sitting in the sun - that tingling feeling of warmth and burning heat reminds me that I am not alone. It doesn't matter I guess, if we are 2 minutes away from one another, 2 hills apart or an ocean in between - it's the same story. I am still struggling to get over you.

And as of it wasn't hard enough, you have to go and unconsciously make this all even more unbearable, more miserable for me.

Why are you doing this?
You
master the ART
of making me feel
Insignificant
like I, don't exist and us,
NEVER happened at all
.
If you didn't know my feeling then that was fine
Bur you did. You know it well!
You did and still
You made me feel like I was
A JOKE

Did you forget no matter how strong and abrasive I put up front - I am just a girl of flesh and blood with emotions
A girl who was alone, in love with you?

My dear, my lovely dear, aren't you just too cruel to me?