April was gone...

夜曲_Ye Qu / Nocturne  

一群嗜血的蚂蚁被腐肉所吸引
A crowd of bloodthirsty ants are drawn by rotting flesh
我面无表情看孤独的风景
I watch the lonely scenery with an expressionless face
失去你　爱恨开始分明 
Having lost you, love and hate becomes clear
失去你　还有什么事好关心 
Having lost you, is there anything left to care about
当鸽子不再象征和平 
When the doves no longer represent peace
我终于被提醒　广场上喂食的是秃鹰
I've finally been reminded, that those feeding in the plaza are, in fact, vultures,
我用漂亮的押韵形容被掠夺一空的爱情
I use beautiful rhymes to describe a love that has been plundered empty


啊 乌云开始遮蔽 夜色不干净 
Ah, black clouds begin to obstruct [the sky], the color of the night is unclean
公园里葬礼的回音 在漫天飞行 
Echoes of that funeral in the park, are flying all through the sky
送你的白色玫瑰 在纯黑的环境凋零 
The white rose that [ I ] gave to you has withered in this environment of pure darkness
乌鸦在树枝上诡异的很安静　　
On branches, the silence of the crows creates a surreal atmosphere
静静听　我黑色的大衣　想温暖你
Listening quietly, my black overcoat yearns to provide you warmth
日渐冰冷的回忆 走过的走过的生命 
A memory that grows colder with each passing day, a life that's gone,
啊~四周弥漫雾气 
ah ~si zhou mi man wu qi
Ah, fog fills the air all around
啊~我在空旷的墓地 
ah ~wo zai kong kuang de mu di
Ah, I am in an open cemetery
老去后还爱你 
[ I will ] still love you after I've aged

为你弹奏萧邦的夜曲 

For you [ I ] play Chopin's Nocturne

纪念我死去的爱情 

To commemorate this deceased love of mine

跟夜风一样的声音 

Just like a wind in the night

心碎的很好听 

So heartbreakingly beautiful

手在键盘敲很轻

[ I ] gently stroke the keys

我给的思念很小心 

The longing that I gave was very tentative

你埋葬的地方叫幽冥

You are buried in a place called the afterlife

为你弹奏萧邦的夜曲 

For you [ I ] play Chopin's Nocturne

纪念我死去的爱情 

To commemorate this deceased love of mine

而我为你隐姓埋名 

And for you I've become anonymous

在月光下弹琴 

Playing the piano, soaked the moonlight

对你心跳的感应 

The feeling of your heartbeat

还是如此温热清晰 

Is still so warm and clear

怀念你那鲜红的唇印 

I remember the scarlet imprint of you lips

那些断翅的蜻蜓　散落在这森林 

Those dragonflies who have lost their wings, are scattered in this forest

而我的眼睛　没有丝毫同情 

And yet my eyes do not show a shred of sympathy

失去你　泪水混浊不清 

Having lost you, my tears are murky and blurred

失去你　我连笑容都有阴影 

Having lost you, even my smile holds shadows

风在长满青苔的屋顶

The wind on the moss-covered rooftop

嘲笑我的伤心 

Ridicules my sadness

像一口没有水的枯井 

Like a waterless well
我用凄美的字型 

I use an exquisite font-type 

描绘后悔莫及的那爱情

To reminisce that love which not even regret will bring back

*****

There was a door… a gate… a fine line –two worlds apart.

There were two lovers… two lives… two paths – once merge, now separated.

A moment of fate, of giving up and letting go – a life time of regret, yet our separation, nothing, even remorse can bring back. No matter how much she practices the piano now, though her finger tips bleed, she can’t play Nocturne for him. There will never be a duet – two paths separated: life and death, momentary and eternity.

Exhausted, he let go… where is their promised future? Promises though unattainable, are still promises. I never think it was fair for me, to let myself be reminded of them, in every step I make, all those tiny bits traces of the lost future.

“Don’t cross over, please… Don’t!”

I remember someone’s chant, hoarse and breathless, calling in darkness – “I am selfish, I just want you by my side. I am selfish, I should not have let you go”. Even in my dream, I saw her in despair. Even in day light, I woke up with dry tears stain on my cheek.

I remember that morning. The dawn was breaking, smashing to smithereens every drop of golden sunshine – gracing the earth with the ashes of yesterday. She held back the past with her fingers chattering, trembling – pulling back the darkness’s black curtain. One last night - before he boarded the train of no return, in broad daylight I saw her drowning in the sunny despair.

I remember those dreams, where she looked for him in her dreamless sleeps - where she wandered in the jungle of lost future, forsaken happiness direction-less– just to wake up in that reality called nightmare. I saw her walking on broken glass in perfect ignorance.

I remember that song, she hummed lowly, stuck in her throat, in the break between her sobs, that prayer she chanted for his smooth path to the other life. I remember her voice muffled, drown in her own tears – “ Don’t call his name! Let him venture to eternity in peace!” In her lullaby, she saw him smiling gently in the place she would never enter.

And I remember kindness. I remember embraces where she let her shattered self held firm. I remember endless breakdown – and pickups. I remember her locking her heart in the castle on the cloud – there were compassion she would live her life to pay off, and there were grudges she would never – never ever let go.

I remember her face… the girl I saw in my mirror three years ago – swollen eyes, pale skin. I stood dumbfounded, watching him crossed that line – of life and dead decisively while she pondered, tortured her heart for a good 2 years before crossing another gate. I still remember this particular day, 3 years ago, when I learned what it meant, what it was like see the world collapse in front of me – and build it up from ashes.

I now watch my past like an audience appreciating a movie clip, detaching my emotion away strategically for the sake of my sanity. What has slept, may rest in peace. Still, when I spell their names out on a piece of paper, my heart aches. In that place between dreams and consciousness, before duty hit hard, this was where I can let myself cry for them - those names I loved.

Those were, the names I loved, with my every fiber of my being. Those were the echoes of my past… , which drowns gradually in the call of my future. 


April was gone...