the art of packing
thinking of the number of days till the moment I can officially go home, puts a smile on my face, not a tiny forced pretentious one, the huge shining (SHINEe, lol) wholehearted one. There is just something I hate - though it's part of my life, a pretty big part:packing
What do I need to sustain my remaining days? Just enough for exams, and school related meetings, I will no longer read that many books... though sometime, just looking at "Chances of sunshine" makes my gloomy day spark and reading Rummy's birthday gift brings calmness to my restless soul. Packing in the middle of my exams seems to prove me this statement is a fact: I am totally out of my mind
It's easy to empty my wardrobe, table and shelves but sometimes, it rips my heart apart to "empty" my memories, throwing away things that once were dear but now I am absolutely aware of their uselessness.
1. Wardrobe
Emptying my wardrobe has always been a challenge. I have not gone out much this year, but being me, I keep things that I may only wear once a year or even none. Redundant things goes first, there fly my colorful clothes. True enough, I had been in black and white even before my grandmother's departure. Till my grandmother 49th days, I still want to keep the tradition, though I am just her grand child, not daughter. I understand it means much to her. Tradition.
Tracing past memories, I remember how much she loved me in spring color: sky blue and baby pink or my shocking green. I didn't usually dress to what my grandmother preferred. It's not about generation gap, but more or less it is due to the nature of my internship. Being a teacher in a high school since 17, it takes more than just a firm mind, an attractive method to gain respect and class attention. I looked 29 when I was barely 18, said my students. Grandmother always asked me why - which I only smiled at her. I wanted to show her more of me this 8 month holiday. I really wanted to, at least bring a date home to make her less worried.
But I guess I was too much too late, to be in sky blue and baby pink, and shocking green for her to smile proudly
I think of her much recently, though I did not tell my mother about it. Simply looking at my blue silk dress makes me tearing up inside. I remember that cheerful smile on her face when I went out in this dress. "So who are you going with?" she asked. "No one, I just wanted to grab a new book" "In such a dress?"
She never knew how I dress up for the past 4 years. Short holidays have been purely work related and lazy days sleeping "on the behalf" of sleepless months. She never saw me in summer dress and proper heels but grey winter coat and black flat shoes. When I start to be a "girl" in its fullest meaning, I have been away from home
"I'd love to see you, in this such dress, you know, for ... a date..."
It took me a while to response: "Sure ma, one day, you will"
I packed my blue dress into one of the box and send it home. The same blue dress Minh saw me in when he caught me studying in Starbuck, the same blue dress he fell for almost immediately. I refuse my chances of sunshine, giving away an opportunity to fulfill my grandmother's wish
20 going 21, I wonder when can ever feel that happiness again, to be in the same blue silk dress in summer heat, to be coated with golden drops from the sky... and to see my grandmother's smile again...
"black black heart... I wish you offer more, I wish you make it easier, on me. Satisfied? I am on fire..."
Old song.
Before I realize it, I am standing in front of an almost-empty wardrobe. 4 years of metamorphosis from a kid to a young lady... Fashion has been my secret language... the desire to be read, to be understood in vain.
It NEVER means NOTHING for a girl to put on a scarf around her shoulders or a light pink dress. It NEVER means NOTHING... just that you could not crack the code and get into their complicated mind, to really see, the real us...
1 task is half done... still so much more to go... In that box of happiness, so many stories are left untold....Maybe in another day, I will let you know. Maybe not... I am still in the middle of sorting out my life.
1 comment:
Hello, I had read your comments in my entry, & I'm more than grateful for your reply.
I didn't know what to say in my response of your comments. Everything is still whirling, revolving rapidly and I'm very much still in a lost.
But still, I only wanted to say thank you, it does give me the courage.
I had been listening to happy songs by them a lot too. Really, it does helps like you had said. For the past few days, I always listened to ballads by them which trigger my emotional heart even more. LOL.
Just to say a "Thank you". <3
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