... and for the 1st time I realize, I actually belong to a community...
If there is a girl I must love, regardless of her insanity, her imprefections and obnoxiousness, she must be the one staring straight at me now from the mirror. Without sighing as a sign of despair, I often smile, with our withOUT braces. Again, I have to love her and take care of her, not only because it is my responsibility but she is the only one I thought I had by my side now and forever on.
Born the only child, since young, I have never stopped reminding myself of the responsibility I have with my parents. A phone call to let mom know I will be late 10 minutes, a good result from school? Not getting into mindless relationship, messed up or wasted away even when I am thousands of miles away from home, Italy where I could have committed as many sins as I wanted without fearing of being discovered... I just do not do things dutifully, I take pride for my work... I traveled alone, I made friends with almost strangers, following my instinct...
I did not have an idol. Not till recently. I did not want to depend on some strangers for motivation of any sort... I did not want to place this burden on them- though I am sure they don't even know my existence... Still, I had seen fan girls cutting themselves, doing all sorts of stuff just because their idols did something that is NOT up to the fan's expectation... Hello, they are also... HUMAN, who are vulnerable and prone to commit wrong deeds. I did not have a real favorite band till DBSK. A lady at the age of 20, I surely have low tolerance toward crappy music, toward pretty boys who cannot sing. . . DBSK proves me wrong. I am glad I am wrong
I do not have boyfriend. Not now, not any soon. I do not have one because I do not need one for my survival. You know the kind of girls who would buy roses for her birthday since the age of 10? You know the kind of girls who would work hard to get what she wants not depending on some rich boyfriends to provide her with extravagant gifts? I know that kind of girl. In fact, the very woman who gives birth to me fits the exact definition of the independent girl. I am not surprised I am born stubborn to the core, tough and proud, thx to mom who is the perfect role model; thx to dad who never believes a girl should be pampered. In fact, my dad's daughter MUST know how to fix her own bicycle if she wants to ride one, MUST know how to defend herself if she thinks of travelling or living on her own... In that sense, I survive on my own, having traveled across EU and America since 14 and living away from home for the past 4 years...
Having my best friend walking out on me when the guy I loved passed away certainly left a daunting life-lesson: not to depend too much on someone. Having close friends turning their back away when my school report card is somewhat of a shame to my title as a scholars just add on another lesson: there is a distinctive difference between
a friend and an aqquaintaince...
Having said that, I just want to say I am proven wrong. And I am glad I am.
I am glad I fall for DBSK... I am glad I could rock myself to sleep with my ipod playing "I can't put into words". I am glad I can wake up every morning with "Mirotic" - never fails to make me laugh. There are strange things that have been happening to me... like the fact that I have made friends with cool people I absolutely admire,like Myra, with fun people whose randomness surely makes my day like Iva and Izzie (all the way in Czech Republic) ...
I am glad I met Ning (I really don't know how to link your blog here, stupid me) But if you do want to know this AmAzing girl, here is her blog link:
http://orij-gnin.blogspot.com/
I am grateful for all her blog comments/ reply, for all her encouragements at this time of crisis, when news about DBSK is getting rare... The lawsuit may last for 6 months... a horribly long period of time I have to say. I guess there will be more speculations that make our heart beat unevenly... Ning may cry once or twice or even more than that. I am glad at least, in this battle to support Cassies and DBSK, I am not alone, that I have them by my side, watching HTTG purely in Korean, that I have friends now from all over the world... Different faces, different skin colors, different languages yet we are the same in one particular way...
I am glad, I know, now I can embrace a new identity, I can really, truly call myself a member of the Cassiopeia family.
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Reply to Ning's question
I do idolize U-Know for some reasons which I cannot make it more obvious. I love the U-Know Yunho leader of DBSK, the charismatic guy who never sheds tears in front of strangers, who works hard, walks bare feet in the rain, who was almost killed once, who is hurt tremendously continually with all the bad rumor... Being the top idol, yet he has never once appeared to be cocky. Always humble, always kind, ever caring towards children and members, this is the U-Know Yunho I love and adore. Knowing there is such perfection alive, it is not hard for me to fall in love. Because I know, the person I know may NOT be entirely Jung Yunho. I am only a Cassie, and he is an idol, he must uphold certain concept and image which was set by SM. Ning, you have known JJ for years, it is only recently that we realized he is not the iceberg he looks like (SM even told him not to talk during interview). JJ is the warmest, most talkative and random member of DBSK. It takes years for the artists to reveal their truest self, blame them not, they are strictly controlled by the company.
I believe there is still a different between U-Know and Yunho... They are not one. And not until I get to know Yunho, will I dare say, I love him/ not. For now, let me just rest the case by saying U-Know, the leader of DBSK is someone I really look up to... but it is Yunho the guy with many layers of depth/ who stands in front of the crowd yet falls asleep mumbling to his non-celebrities friends is the one I want to get to know the most.
so No, it is not because of him. I am not having crushes because of my personality - I cannot blame U-Know for his perfect existence. And about love, no, though I would love to find someone who shares the similar code of conduct, values and belief as U-Know but I do not take him as a bench mark of any sorts. Still wish that he himself can find his happiness.
I am waiting till the end of my A-level. I am leaving SGP soon, really do not think it is wise to get myself in a relationship now. I guess it is really difficult for you to love someone because of JJ, right? Tell me about it. I just realize the way we love them are pretty different from one another
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2 comments:
It struck me how much alike we're to each other when I first read the first three paragraphs of this entry. Didn't know to exactly explain it, but I did too, went through the perhaps, the same thing, however, I might be a little luckier than you.
I shall share my story with you in my next entry or something. :)
Am too, am glad that I've met you. I had met a lot of fans, claiming they truly love the boys but never being a Cassiopeia, jumping from fandoms to fandoms which left me really annoyed. It was rare, that a true Cassiopeia came along, and you're one of them.
Somehow, in a way or another, Jaejoong does reveals his true self. I've watched a lot of their videos, and most of the time, he is always repeating he wanted to let Cassiopeia know his true self. I think he is letting go, he can talk he loves smoking and drinking relaxingly, showing us his tattoos, talks like a dork. He didn't really mind the good image he had to keep up. Still, in a way, I find Yunho still tight about it. Somehow, he still does gives us his real self. Maybe it's because Jaejoong's continuous "nagging" about wanting him to open up more in variety shows/couple talks. If, they could win the lawsuit, I'm sure we would have more chances to see the real Yunho. :D
Regarding the question, I shall give you the answer in my next entry together with my story. I'm sure it is because of Jaejoong in a way or another. But I need to get another part of my mind sorted out first, then I can give you my answer.
Hey, tell me if you're leaving SG okay? I think, I really wanted to send you off at the airport personally. :D
Oh btw, I had forgotten completely. I had replied your comment regarding HTTG. :)
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