1. Questions:
can you let someone go? when he is the one who took the turn and walked away?
can you forgive someone? when she is the one who refuse to repent, to apologize, to admit her crime?
can you?
can I?
Today I wonder... And I go on wondering, struggling for an answer which does not change anything at all. Just some food for thoughts though I understand I am consuming poison for it hurts too much to ponder upon them
Am I passive or proactive? Was I the one who act or react upon a crisis? Being me I would rather take the lead, at least, the lead of my life. In this roller coaster, in this loony bin, I am driven, not driving my own boat embarking on my journey.
2. Rambling/Mid night monologue
a. New timetable, new frustration
I received my timetable for the days to come 2 days ago. Ibam nearly cried seeing his, I really think he stopped because he had to uphold his image as a boy. On another point, I really think he stopped because he saw mine, the worst version of all. I could not cry because it was all bottled up beyond my neck, all the emotions, frustrations and exhaustion leave me speechless, thoughtless - absolute blank for a long while. Shall I complain? No, I shan't. Just 11 hours of Literature per week, 7 hours of each other H2 subjects (for my beautiful combination of 4H2)I am really glad that at LEAST, these are the subjects I actually enjoyed and chosen for myself. If I was idiotic enough to follow the crowd and took PCME... I wonder how I can ever have the strength to carry on at this moment.
I do not regret being here now. I do not!
Just that, I wonder, am I revising for my exam or am I being made/ forced to do so much homework I lost confidence in telling my myself I am actually in control of my revision. I am grateful... Teachers have been putting so much effort, time to help us... I really hope this pays off, for them. I am sorry, we can't gain that trust from you to have the liberty to study on our own like our seniors.
Liberty... Schools think they know what is best for us... Do they? Or they are just frantically reacting upon the fear that they may regret later on for not pushing us hard enough, forcefully enough that we eventually screw up our lives.
If you don't study, it is your choice to make your life more difficult later on.
I mean if they choose to do so, why are we suffering on their behalf?
From next week, schools end officially at 6.40 DAILY.
and for the scholars, 9 p.m. every Thu
I have no freaking idea how I can actually feel at ease with this.
I did not react in class. I know my classmates are suffering. Because of the existence of the two 4H2 students in the class - Van and I, they are having 3-4 hours of break in the middle of no where on Tue and Fri. I can't say I am sorry, because it is not my fault. But I can't escape their blame.
So I kept quiet.
I could have blasted my mp4 to the max so I won't feel offended with remarks
But fate has her way, my mp4 decided to commit suicide on the very particular day I need it the most. So hey, I heard it all... But hey, I learn to accept whatever people say. I know you guys are frustrated. But I am too. Here come the day of me and Van, stu-dying 5-6 hours non-break while you can actually plan your revision proactively.
b. idilemma itouch vs iphone
ok, I do sound like a spoil brat now.
I am getting an itouch, though mom wants me to consider an iphone 3G/ which is cheaper in US$, more functions just that I am not gonna get it till November. I need a new music player DESPERATELY. Why? Music keeps me sane. No one and nothing can calm me down like "I can't put into words", DBSK. Nothing can cheer me up like "the cool v.s. the pretty" FT island. Nothing like music can shield/ block me from all chaos going around.
I really cannot take the "touch" thing with the phone... like talking to a wall, you press and you don't even know if you have already pressed or not... A normal low-tech phone does wonder, the key bounces back like a response to your finger tips, like assuring you: Yes, you have already keyed in ... So I am sticking with my S500i, which cannot play music anymore, I wonder what I have done. I don't even like to sms or reply sms anymore so...
So dad got me itouch a few hours ago through Apple online shop (just to make sure I don't wander around Orchard just the get the damn thing) (without telling mom) and since mom insists on iphone, I wonder this will turn into a family conflict. If it does, it is purely... ridiculous and cute of my parents. Gosh, I just miss mom's voice so so much when we talk over the phone (my already-broke-down-3-time phone which mom wonders why I insist on not changing). Does she know I did not dare change my mp3 if it does not break down completely? Does she not know I am aware of the world economic crisis and that I am worry for her too? Maybe she is unaware and pampers me so much for she is worried that with the stress level rising, she may have to pick me up again shattered with frustration and helplessness.
I am sorry I am not always as strong as I wish
I am really sorry I break down in tears easily like a child when I hear your voice.
I wish I have another bounce back to give mom and dad a break. I wish I can trust and love someone enough to lean on him at this moment in time. But I chose to test my resistance and strength. How far can I go? I don't know. But for today, I press my lips and hold my anger listening to "Picture of you", DBSK
c. DBSK's AADBSK III + itouch + Anh Co
I am waiting for you to come, all three in a week. I can't wait
Anh Co said, he even had to go shopping for clothes so he does not look so sloppy in front of me. Does he know I love him so much and I don't give a damn if he looks like a mess? Does he know I am in pain, too to hear his relationship with his girlfriend did not turn out well? I can fix the way he looks, I always complain just to make myself sound more significant in his life. Just like he can always fix my terribly degrading Math from grace. But how can I mend his broken heart? Can I perform a miracle like I did to Anh Duy? Gosh, I wish I could be that bounce back for all of them, that shoulder for them to rest their burden on. . . I am the youngest in the family, yet I have been the one they trust, to pick up the mess of their aftermath. I am more than just willing, to be there, to care. For they are not my cousins, they are my brothers and sisters.
I love my huge family a lot
and dear Chi Trang, I am coming hom for your wedding ^^
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