Immune

He slipped away at the peak of his youth and I watched my worst nightmare coming to life. At the age of 18, there wasn't much I could do to salvage him. But now at the age of 23, shouldn't I be more confident? Shouldn't I already have gotten over my trauma? Why am I so troubled?


Not for a Sport

You don't break people
open
Cut them deep
Kick them where it hurts - the most
for a sport.

You don't say it - because it
hurts
just for the sake of proving you're
right. You don't just
inflict pain for a sport. Just, don't!

-----

To be able to read people, see their pain and sorrow beyond their smile is a gift... If you are not going to be there to catch them when they fall, then don't - don't push them off the edge.

Use your gift wisely. . .

-----

I literally have no idea what to do with you, my dear. I have no plan, no strategy. My "magic" doesn't work on you - you just don't LET it happen. I don't know what to do with myself either.

5 years - you think 5 years would make a difference, 5 years should make a difference. But why.don't.I.see.any.difference? At the age of 18, I watched my worst nightmare coming to life in vain. Now at the age of 23, shouldn't I be more confident? Shouldn't I already have gotten over my trauma? I am still dumbfounded and clueless. The 19 year old you aren't the 19 year old him - why oh why, all that I see is the jarring similarity between you two?


Life gives me a second chance. You are here for a reason. Don't walk around breaking down walls that people spend years to build for a sport. I will not give up on you, more so on us.

I am not going down without a fight.

...And tears run dry

My body convulsed into excruciating sob.

I clutched my sweaters, in the fear that my shattered heart pieces would find its escape out of my chest.

Ah... woman are like that.

 Mother once said: a woman can sell her soul for her children, die for husband, but she will go mad for a chance to be loved wholeheartedly.

And the tears of women in love, never run dry.

-----

October withers and Fall is dying, November is far out of reach - where have I been?

Here I am

Running away, I've tried
10 countries and 32 cities in one summer
Countless of people I met. Countless of faces I observed. Countless of names I whispered - just so I can drown away the thought of you.
Countless of adventures I embarked, who can count the number of miles I walked by? The vast sky and oceans I crossed - just so I wouldn't find the compass of my heart pointing your way.

I know they won't work, they didn't last because I have tried. Eventually, it happened this way. After a summer,  we met - a brief embrace that lasts no longer than 3 second. . . I am back to the vulnerable girl, whose heart longs to you.


----------------------

Your image was imprinted in my brain like a tattoo. And even when I close my eyes, trying to put my longing to rest, all I could see is you. I could not put it into words - this strange emotion that drives me off the edge on a regular basis. Until now, I am still wondering how this all happened, how I ended up here at this moment in time - entrapped in my own misery of an unrequited love.

Your paths collide at the wrong time in my life. I know it will never be right. I know I have broken so many rules (silly rules I created for myself, to govern my heart) because of you.

You are oblivious to the point of cruelty. . . and I am paralyzed here in this mess of self-created drama not knowing where to go next, what to do next. There is no future for us, you don't love me, not to mention love me enough to rewrite our destinies for one another. I wonder why oh why, I long for someone I cannot have, I should not have.

I am not searching for an answer - for I know it does not matter. One morning I wake up, the idea of us will fade. I will vaguely remember the pain that seems to be killing me today. One morning I wake up, and us

us

we are already history . . .

So I will wait. . .

Eun-oh to Arang:

"Long time no see. Where were you all day yesterday? The best you can do is avoiding me? I've tried it myself and it doesn't last.
The love I confessed to you, I will not take it back. Instead, I will wait, since you are the type of persons who do things when they please."

----

You can't take back love, or the love confessions you made. So hold on to that bit of sincerity and bravery in your heart to wait. . . Just hang in there.

our song

somewhere down the road, when our memories fail us, when you are no longer able to recall the foreign name of mine - please be sure, that I am just glad in the tales you tell your children, or a random stranger in the park:

I was "this girl" whom you used to know, "this girl" who in that particular moment in time loved you a lot and so so very much. . .
"this girl" who made an impact in your life.

if it is a burden, leave out my name, but remember :)
remember our song

I beg you pleae

I beg you please. . .
stop pretending that we never happened
that erasing "us" from the past is the best way to go on for the
two of us,
that I have never loved you with my whole heart
and that never did I hurt myself till the point of unconsciousness to
let
you
go
.
I beg you please
acknowledge this unrequited love
But no, you don't have to entertain me
or care about how
I make it through and stand here
now, smiling at you. It's my untold
story and I refuse to share it with
anyone, not even
YOU
.
If anything, I beg you please
remember: This girl in me who once loved you,
once lived
in this place - an island where tears never never dry
.

----------


I sat in the open air today and let the sun warmed my skin. Like an old book, being dried up after the humid spring, I stayed still.

I am back in Ashland. And all the reasons why I ran away from this land rushed back. I am overwhelmed by my emotions - like waves and waves of memories, I am the survivor of my own trauma.

These days I love sitting in the sun - that tingling feeling of warmth and burning heat reminds me that I am not alone. It doesn't matter I guess, if we are 2 minutes away from one another, 2 hills apart or an ocean in between - it's the same story. I am still struggling to get over you.

And as of it wasn't hard enough, you have to go and unconsciously make this all even more unbearable, more miserable for me.

Why are you doing this?
You
master the ART
of making me feel
Insignificant
like I, don't exist and us,
NEVER happened at all
.
If you didn't know my feeling then that was fine
Bur you did. You know it well!
You did and still
You made me feel like I was
A JOKE

Did you forget no matter how strong and abrasive I put up front - I am just a girl of flesh and blood with emotions
A girl who was alone, in love with you?

My dear, my lovely dear, aren't you just too cruel to me?

Care?

You don't care enough

to get to know

and

You don't know enough 

to claim worries over me

so

please. 

seriously, please. 

--------------

I dislike it very much when people threaten me with privilege. "You'd better do this or else..." I have reached the age when everything I do, it's either out of joy, or duty - in short, I will proceed when I think it's the right thing to do, even when I wholeheartedly dislike the action.

I don't do well with threat. Since I treasure my pride so much more than any kind of privilege - I am willing to do without. I don't do well with people telling me to shut up - not because I am wordy, but because they are out of arguments yet refuse to admit their wrongs. 

But out of respect, I will keep quiet. That's not something I "would like to do" but something I feel right. 

Nevertheless, this is not how you get me to do things that you want. Without proper reasons, without valid convince, I am no longer that child who crumbles underneath fear. 

Haven't you seen the young woman I have grown to be? Haven't you care enough to pay attention? 

Well, I don't think so. And I apologize, but the loss isn't on me.