I beg you pleae

I beg you please. . .
stop pretending that we never happened
that erasing "us" from the past is the best way to go on for the
two of us,
that I have never loved you with my whole heart
and that never did I hurt myself till the point of unconsciousness to
let
you
go
.
I beg you please
acknowledge this unrequited love
But no, you don't have to entertain me
or care about how
I make it through and stand here
now, smiling at you. It's my untold
story and I refuse to share it with
anyone, not even
YOU
.
If anything, I beg you please
remember: This girl in me who once loved you,
once lived
in this place - an island where tears never never dry
.

----------


I sat in the open air today and let the sun warmed my skin. Like an old book, being dried up after the humid spring, I stayed still.

I am back in Ashland. And all the reasons why I ran away from this land rushed back. I am overwhelmed by my emotions - like waves and waves of memories, I am the survivor of my own trauma.

These days I love sitting in the sun - that tingling feeling of warmth and burning heat reminds me that I am not alone. It doesn't matter I guess, if we are 2 minutes away from one another, 2 hills apart or an ocean in between - it's the same story. I am still struggling to get over you.

And as of it wasn't hard enough, you have to go and unconsciously make this all even more unbearable, more miserable for me.

Why are you doing this?
You
master the ART
of making me feel
Insignificant
like I, don't exist and us,
NEVER happened at all
.
If you didn't know my feeling then that was fine
Bur you did. You know it well!
You did and still
You made me feel like I was
A JOKE

Did you forget no matter how strong and abrasive I put up front - I am just a girl of flesh and blood with emotions
A girl who was alone, in love with you?

My dear, my lovely dear, aren't you just too cruel to me?

Care?

You don't care enough

to get to know

and

You don't know enough 

to claim worries over me

so

please. 

seriously, please. 

--------------

I dislike it very much when people threaten me with privilege. "You'd better do this or else..." I have reached the age when everything I do, it's either out of joy, or duty - in short, I will proceed when I think it's the right thing to do, even when I wholeheartedly dislike the action.

I don't do well with threat. Since I treasure my pride so much more than any kind of privilege - I am willing to do without. I don't do well with people telling me to shut up - not because I am wordy, but because they are out of arguments yet refuse to admit their wrongs. 

But out of respect, I will keep quiet. That's not something I "would like to do" but something I feel right. 

Nevertheless, this is not how you get me to do things that you want. Without proper reasons, without valid convince, I am no longer that child who crumbles underneath fear. 

Haven't you seen the young woman I have grown to be? Haven't you care enough to pay attention? 

Well, I don't think so. And I apologize, but the loss isn't on me.

The name I loved

Whenever I hear Onew's voice, I feel a sense of melancholy. I do think I have never ever truly gotten over his solo track "The name I loved" after so many years. Out of 6 disastrous songs of SHINEe's Ring Ding Dong album, 내가 사랑했던 이름 shines like a bright star - at the very least, to a ballad lover like me. I gave up on the album after the first 3 tracks - never liked SHINEe's music, love the boys; but  Ruam - my best friend, if you haven't known this sweet kind love of mine, insisted I try this song. It was in 2009, I believed and how many years has gone by?

3 years.

And "The name I loved" is still on constant playback.

A few days ago I was watching a new Korean drama "To the Beautiful you" - something I do to keep myself entertained, nothing serious, always the cheeky lighthearted dramas to ease my troubled mind, when I heard a very familiar voice in the back ground music. Right at the scene which Minho took Sulli in his arms and block her away from the water splash, I heard a very familiar voice. My heart stopped for a split second (being my heart, it of course knows it should never take its own sweet time and dwell on such pointless emotion). I took me a good few minutes to realize, of course, it was Onew's vocal. Of course, it was him. Something at the very back of my mind rushed back with the bittersweet taste of a forsaken crush.

가까이 있는 널 사랑할 수 없는걸 알고 있기에
I understand that I cannot have your love, though you are close to me
날 바라볼 수 없는 널 기다림이 너무 힘들어
The excruciating pain of waiting for you is overwhelming, beyond my capability to endure
이젠 견딜 수 없어 이뤄질 수 없기에
for I know, your love is unbelievable

Water and the flame.
I am certainly strange with a hint of cold-blooded oddness that my own mother acknowledges. I took this calmness after my father - taking things as the matter of fact. It wasn't an inborn nature for I initially took after my mother's sensitivity and softhearted nature. However, there are only so many times a willing-to-learn child falls for the same mistake, I don't walk around slamming my head onto the same glass door and blame it on my ill-fated destiny.

If anything, I learned to let go and move on as-a-matter-of-fact. I am not a quitter, I work hard - but there are things I bitterly understand I just can't work hard for. There are things that should have come natural - or not coming at all.

love

above all, love. Seasons come and seasons go, I watch the the people around me falling in and out of love, with admiration. I am still that chick who doubts the warmth of a hug can conquer the coldness of the winter. Armed myself with a wardrobe full of gorgeous coats, scarves, gloves and fashionable hats, I march on winter after winter with the firm belief that I, before anyone, am responsible for my own happiness. I am not willing to compromise for anything less than love - is that love? or is that merely the idea of love I self-created in my brain since I was a little child.

I have let yet another "him" go - so that we both can move on to greater things. I do wonder if he understands how much I appreciate just his existence in that particular time of my life. I have certainly grown and matured - and for that I am grateful. Just for that - no, there was no hand-holding in the shivering cold winter; and no, there was no hug when I cried, no contact throughout my entire summer  when I was traveling, battling against my stagnant self - no nothing; but just for the opportunity he gave me to learn so much more about myself, I would like him to know his was the name I loved,

but now I let go.

이룰 수 없는 사랑도 사랑이니까 Because an unachievable love is still love

And another summer is almost gone.  . .

a place i call home

I would like to build a home
a home for my heart
my lonesome heart

I would like
very much
to have a home

today, my heart hurts
and my feet are sore from
wandering the globe - ask me why
I never stay
these days, I start to ask myself
where I belong, when I can stop
how I can make myself happy
without depending on anyone else

because it's tiring to have
expectation
perhaps, I was born with a pair of
red shoes
imprinted on my feet

so dance I must
travel i will
traveL.I.N.H

The problem is not yours

"what should I do now?"
"why now and why should you do anything?"
"you love me. . . but my heart, it just doesn't belong to you"
"so? your point is?"
*awkwardly "what should I do about us?"
"nothing."
"nothing?"
"yeah, nothing!"
. . .
"did you go out of your way to make me love you?"
"no. . ."
"did you lead me on?"
"no. . ."
"did you give me any kind of false hope or unachievable promise?"
"no. . ."
"so it's safe to say, I fell in love with you on my own terms, all by myself - without any conscious influence from your part?"
"I assume so, yes"
"then the problem is not yours. it's not fair that you have to take responsibility for my self-created drama"
. . .
"I mean it, this unrequited love - it's mine and I claim every part of it my own, no one else's. you have nothing to do with it, so don't treat me any kinder, don't avoid me just because you fear that you will lead me on, don't... just don't change anything about yourself."
"you sure?"
"very positively. yes, I am sure. stay who you are - accept my love one day if it comes to you naturally but don't bother, if it doesn't"
"what about you? will you try to get over it?
"why should i? is it something i am ashamed of? no! is this something i regret? i am afraid not. it happened - me falling for you. . ."
. . .
"so I honor it, and see how it goes. one morning i may wake up and laugh it off, learning that it was just a phase. maybe that morning will come tomorrow, in a month, a year, five years or never. i can't predict the future. but for now, i just know you are the one"
"we're still friend?"
"for now, i am whoever you want me to be in this relationship. i did my part, it's up to you now. Though, don't put it on yourself to make a decision or try to rationalize your options."
"i am sorry"
"don't be."

----

My dear, don't be. I am not a child. I am responsible for my affections, for my anger, my hatred, my fluctuating emotions - for every single reason my heart beats at that particular pace. The problem is not yours - I hate it when we call it a problem because I would never, ever make my love a problem to you.

one sad and disappointing day, one of those days when I converse with you in my head - for you never voice up your sacred thought and I can't read your mind, ever. We are a world apart. How have you been?

Rememberance

...and in many years, my memory will fail me. My desperation to hold on to everything love, everything dear will be overridden by the more important stuff - how to get home from the market, how not to get lost and how to not forget things around...

My dear, no matter what my finger tips will still remember the traces of your smile, the contour of your face, the shape of your sorrow and the shadow of your happiness. I will remember you as of today, when I am still in love with the boy who came with the rainbow in the storm.

It is important for you to know - so that you can be brave enough to go against all odds, fight your demons, and ask the girl whose your heart belongs to out. Scare not the people who judge, fear not those who forget your existence in their lives, for I am still here and I still remember the you at your 21-best. I loved you for everything that you were.

...and in many years my memory will fail me. I will gradually find myself unable to recall the color of your eyes and the fragrance of you after your long exhausting hike...

But I promise I will forever remember the sadness underneath your smile, the pain coated by your humor - the thoughtful, hard-on-self boy behind that carefree nonchalant mask of you

I will remember how much I loved you.

Painted my nail Red

I painted my nails red
today
a gentle reminder - that
love hurts - that
somewhere deep down I
do bleed, when the awkward silence
sinks in


Weren't we supposed to be
better than this. No, I mean
much better than this. So that
after I said: "I love you" and you
replied with: "but I love someone else"
We can be sincerely happy for one another
and
both, move on to better places
and new things

But no! You returned to your old shell
the one I bled to crack open - I walked in the rain,
trying to wash away the stained blood so that
I
can return fresh and new.

So I painted my nails red today
so next time when you walk away
I will have the courage to tell you
Stop right there and say what cloud your mind...
Spit it out - try me! I can be hurt by words,
but I would rather words than the silence
treatment. It sends me STRAIGHT to the
loony bin, and I - I don't do well there.

We'll see how things go
but perhaps, I will cowardly dig those red nails deep
into my skin the next time we sit in silence - or
talk nonsense about things that do not matter,
just so when it bleeds, I won't know if it was my
blood, my heart
or the red red crimson red
nail polish...

that smells nasty.