{for.you.i.write} 04

I am afraid of intangible things - how do I know if they are there if I can't touch it, can't hold it, can't put it in a safe box just so during these rainy days I can open my treasure and remember our days in the sun?

That's why I like pictures, I love photography. - I steal moments with my lenses. People tell me that pictures keep a part of that person's soul in them - so even when the he changes, fragments of him still remain the same. That wasn't my reason for I wonder if that would hurt me more in the future, looking at what I once had now I don't, looking at whom I once loved, now I can't even bring myself to like. But I still take pictures for my selfish purpose, for my momentary happiness. I always think I will deal with the future when the future comes. But that's just what I think.

Sometime, I wish I could freeze this second, this very second when we were merely walking together in perfect silence, our shadow cascaded on the concrete floor, when the shadow of your hand plunged into the one of mine - we almost looked as if we were holding hands. Perhaps, that's the closest physical contact I can ever get to be near to you. Well then if so, I don't mind. The darkness enveloped me but I did not fear one bit. What is there to worry when you are here?

Some other time, I desire to selfishly stop the clock, right at this second when you laugh wholeheartedly, when your mind is not clouded by a pessimistic thought - when I feel the split-second assurance that I could understand you, that perhaps you have me in your thoughts and I am making you smile.

I wonder if you know how much you are loved, appreciated for the person you are. The journey I embarked to learn about you has inspired me to be a better person. It started with a crazy idea - but sometimes, it does take a crazy girl with a crazy idea to bring back the thousand splendid sunshine.

I am overwhelmed by my own determination, my will - for what? Why I am doing this? Because I have to let you go. And only by accomplishing this task, can I ever let you go with ease.

Why does it have to be this way, my dear? Why must you be everything I want yet I am everything that is wrong for you? Why must we be born half way around the globe apart, abide different faith yet share so much in common?

Why did our paths cross? Why am I in your life?

{for.you.i.write} 03

Sometime I placed my hands on my chest and press it hard just to make sure all the shattered bits and pieces of the broken glass inside are still in place.

It's a fragile object - my heart, inside the broken jar. Every millisecond, a shattered piece can fall out of place, drop, and cut deep.

I guard my heart for that reason.

Not that I don't believe I deserve happiness. But this is what I happen when I fall in love - I do not just have a crush on you, I have a passion for your existence, almost an obsession. I believe I have to be here for a reason. It has to be Fate. And for that, unfortunately I gave you the power the tear my heart apart.

But somehow I believe, because it is you... because it's you - the memory will worth the pain.

{for.you.i.write} 02

And Time, Time will do his part, healing all wounds. And Fate, Fate will do her part, playing out the situation - what future beholds for the two of us.

And I, I have done my part, spelling it out to you every letter, every syllable that together construct my heart. And I, I will continue my part, uphold my promise to be that person you can open your heart to.

At last, I am at peace.

And Time, Time will tell.

{for.you.i.write} 01

Most importantly, if you can at all avoid it, don't be normal. Strive, burn and do everything you can to avoid being the industry standard. Even the highest industry standard. Be greater than anything anyone else has ever dreamed of you. Don't settle for pats on the back, salary increases, a nod-and-a-smile. Instead, rage against the tepidness of the mundane with every fiber of whatever makes you, you. Change this place.

Please, do that for me.

---

You've gone through so much and be the amazing person that you are today. Please continue to move forward with such courage and passion I've seen in you lately. Please be brave, break out of your shell - Do whatever it takes to embrace your future.

Please speak UP! Be true to your faith and Do NOT be afraid of making mistakes, or displeasing strangers.

No matter what disaster you may cause in the future, I will still be here and I will be cheering you on. That - I can promise you. I believe our paths cross for a reason. That - I am now in your life, and till that moment when I find myself obsolete, I will not leave your side.

So, press on :)

12 minutes

I gave myself 12 minutes to grieve.

12 minutes

It isn't much, but it's 12 minutes to 2p.m. At 2, I will have an appointment, in which a smile is a requirement. So I'll give myself a good 12 minutes to let this emptiness sink into the endless depth of my pain. The clock is ticking and I know you have already left this town an hour ago. I just couldn't move from my seat. Literally and metaphorically, you came into my life with beautiful rainbow behind your smile. And I thought the storm had already passed. And I thought the rain had been over. But leave you must and you left early this afternoon, with no promise of any sort, shape or form. I am stuck in this deserted town with the cold rain and the fog. I understood your silence. I just could not let you go without waving goodbye and a farewell wish: "Safe trip!" I said. "Oh, Thank you!" you replied. Before I allowed myself to dwell a little longer into our brief goodbye, I ran away. The door shut behind my back and I knew I could no longer turn back.

You're gone

I wasn't brave enough. Maybe I'll never be. I will never be able to say the things I want to say. Your heart must have been made of steel, I believe. As I see mine crumbled and withered, I understood why I could never play the game.

It was just a joke...

on me

---

The Aftertaste

It's bitter. 

I played the scenario for a thousand times in my head but at the very end, I blanked out. I could not utter the question I had rehearsed for a million times. I blamed it on your eyes and the way you smiled. 

- play, replay, pause, continue - never once fast forward. I sat back in a corner of my room watching the memory like a short movie. 30 seconds? Maybe less. I wish we meant what we said and we could say what we meant. But in the end, all I could remember was how your smile faded and how my heart shattered. 

Good night, dear and safe trip - to the place your heart desired, to the Kingdom I could never be a part of. I will think fondly of us as I move on. I will think of us as I watch you from afar. To be able to laugh it off and call it a good joke tomorrow, tonight, I will have to pick up all the fragments of my broken shell. 

I was grateful for every single minute I had spent with you. 

and I will be grateful for the future we chose to have... everything less than I desire, but everything more than I could ever ask for...

Good night. 

{theLaundrylist} 05 Atonment

5 years ago I made a decision, that eventually opened up my eyes to see a new world. 

A dead one!

I saw ghost, zombies - the walking dead

I saw insincerity, liars and betrayal. 

I killed the last bit of humanity in my heart. 

It happened that way. Until now I did not know how I could walk around with such a deformed heart for two years long. My eyes were blinded by rage - I was disgusted, I was in pain. I cried nights and days for a reason only I knew, which many people mistook. I cried in fear and disappointment. It was a cruel game - I died over night. 

One morning, I woke up and observed people as who they truly were behind their pretty little smiles.  One piece of land, thousands of people, I saw unfairness. I wondered how those religious kids could walk around preaching and lying with their filthy mouths. I wondered why I - before committing this crime would have to go to hell just because I was not a daughter of God, but she could go to heaven with everything that she did. Isn't that funny? 

I saw unfaithfulness - the betrayal of best friends, brothers competing for the same girl - just another liar, cheating on them both. I saw her beauty decay with my naked eyes. Youth withered and wisdom cannot be gained without a sincere heart. I wondered what love was and whether or not it existed in this land. 

Then I saw people who could look straight into my eyes and told me lies. And I stared right back of them with more lies. If it is just a game to them, then let me play too. Why not? And since according to them, I would go to hell anyway, I made a trip down south, to the core of the earth, where demons lived. I was fearless - and I was cruel. 

But Ruam, Ruam taught me kindness. She prayed for me, cared for me. She stood by me till today. I live everyday for the past 5 years trying to be the better person, the more truthful person - for her, who had opened up her arms and accepted all my lies, for her prayers which washed clean my sin. 

I don't know how you have lived for the past 5 years. And to be honest, I do not care. I lack the skill many of you have - I don't master the art of forgiveness, eps. to myself. However trust me, I never dared hope I would be able to get away with all that I had done. To my mother who had to attend to my mental trauma, to my best friends who had to deal with my neurotic trust issue, I had gone through hell for the sin I committed, for the lies I fabricated. I paid my price with blood and tears - literally, you don't even know. I have lived the past 5 years in atonement - forgiving, but not forgetting those who hurt me, treat them with kindness and walk away when the time is right. 

You are inconsiderate - and selfish until the very end. However I am no longer the cunning being I was - I chose not to be. V isn't for Vendetta, at least in my dictionary. If I had a choice, I would have been down on my knees and begged you to face me with the truth 4 years ago. I wish I could have turned back time to save us, save you and myself. Perhaps then I wouldn't have to live in the lies until today. 

However I have turned out this way. I can't trust people easily. I just don't. I can't love anyone naturally. My time has passed and that was the most expensive price I paid - my youth, my innocence, my ability to fall in love. Are you happy now? Look at who we have become. Are you happy now?

Your confession set us free. I no longer had to act as if I did not know. I guess I was right to put my trust in you all those years that you will come clean one day.I believed in your kindness. It was just ridiculous how my tears, and the fact that I was heading on to a surgery table (without knowing if I could come out alive) could not change your mind, could not make you confess, but an episode of an anime could make you write me such a long and honest letter. Wow, how little I meant to you?

So that day came - 18 March, 2012. A day to remember :) I will celebrate it in years to come. Can we start from the beginning? 

Please live healthy. We must meet one day. When that day comes, tell me you've been well. And you have lived well, worthy of your chance to live. I will continue living in atonement till the rest of my life.

Now he, who never lived can die. And I who never loved, can learn to love again. What about you?