I would like to build a home
a home for my heart
my lonesome heart
I would like
very much
to have a home
today, my heart hurts
and my feet are sore from
wandering the globe - ask me why
I never stay
these days, I start to ask myself
where I belong, when I can stop
how I can make myself happy
without depending on anyone else
because it's tiring to have
expectation
perhaps, I was born with a pair of
red shoes
imprinted on my feet
so dance I must
travel i will
traveL.I.N.H
Monday, August 13, 2012
Wednesday, July 4, 2012
The problem is not yours
"what should I do now?"
"why now and why should you do anything?"
"you love me. . . but my heart, it just doesn't belong to you"
"so? your point is?"
*awkwardly "what should I do about us?"
"nothing."
"nothing?"
"yeah, nothing!"
. . .
"did you go out of your way to make me love you?"
"no. . ."
"did you lead me on?"
"no. . ."
"did you give me any kind of false hope or unachievable promise?"
"no. . ."
"so it's safe to say, I fell in love with you on my own terms, all by myself - without any conscious influence from your part?"
"I assume so, yes"
"then the problem is not yours. it's not fair that you have to take responsibility for my self-created drama"
. . .
"I mean it, this unrequited love - it's mine and I claim every part of it my own, no one else's. you have nothing to do with it, so don't treat me any kinder, don't avoid me just because you fear that you will lead me on, don't... just don't change anything about yourself."
"you sure?"
"very positively. yes, I am sure. stay who you are - accept my love one day if it comes to you naturally but don't bother, if it doesn't"
"what about you? will you try to get over it?
"why should i? is it something i am ashamed of? no! is this something i regret? i am afraid not. it happened - me falling for you. . ."
. . .
"so I honor it, and see how it goes. one morning i may wake up and laugh it off, learning that it was just a phase. maybe that morning will come tomorrow, in a month, a year, five years or never. i can't predict the future. but for now, i just know you are the one"
"we're still friend?"
"for now, i am whoever you want me to be in this relationship. i did my part, it's up to you now. Though, don't put it on yourself to make a decision or try to rationalize your options."
"i am sorry"
"don't be."
----
My dear, don't be. I am not a child. I am responsible for my affections, for my anger, my hatred, my fluctuating emotions - for every single reason my heart beats at that particular pace. The problem is not yours - I hate it when we call it a problem because I would never, ever make my love a problem to you.
one sad and disappointing day, one of those days when I converse with you in my head - for you never voice up your sacred thought and I can't read your mind, ever. We are a world apart. How have you been?
"why now and why should you do anything?"
"you love me. . . but my heart, it just doesn't belong to you"
"so? your point is?"
*awkwardly "what should I do about us?"
"nothing."
"nothing?"
"yeah, nothing!"
. . .
"did you go out of your way to make me love you?"
"no. . ."
"did you lead me on?"
"no. . ."
"did you give me any kind of false hope or unachievable promise?"
"no. . ."
"so it's safe to say, I fell in love with you on my own terms, all by myself - without any conscious influence from your part?"
"I assume so, yes"
"then the problem is not yours. it's not fair that you have to take responsibility for my self-created drama"
. . .
"I mean it, this unrequited love - it's mine and I claim every part of it my own, no one else's. you have nothing to do with it, so don't treat me any kinder, don't avoid me just because you fear that you will lead me on, don't... just don't change anything about yourself."
"you sure?"
"very positively. yes, I am sure. stay who you are - accept my love one day if it comes to you naturally but don't bother, if it doesn't"
"what about you? will you try to get over it?
"why should i? is it something i am ashamed of? no! is this something i regret? i am afraid not. it happened - me falling for you. . ."
. . .
"so I honor it, and see how it goes. one morning i may wake up and laugh it off, learning that it was just a phase. maybe that morning will come tomorrow, in a month, a year, five years or never. i can't predict the future. but for now, i just know you are the one"
"we're still friend?"
"for now, i am whoever you want me to be in this relationship. i did my part, it's up to you now. Though, don't put it on yourself to make a decision or try to rationalize your options."
"i am sorry"
"don't be."
----
My dear, don't be. I am not a child. I am responsible for my affections, for my anger, my hatred, my fluctuating emotions - for every single reason my heart beats at that particular pace. The problem is not yours - I hate it when we call it a problem because I would never, ever make my love a problem to you.
one sad and disappointing day, one of those days when I converse with you in my head - for you never voice up your sacred thought and I can't read your mind, ever. We are a world apart. How have you been?
Thursday, June 14, 2012
Rememberance
...and in many years, my memory will fail me. My desperation to hold on to everything love, everything dear will be overridden by the more important stuff - how to get home from the market, how not to get lost and how to not forget things around...
My dear, no matter what my finger tips will still remember the traces of your smile, the contour of your face, the shape of your sorrow and the shadow of your happiness. I will remember you as of today, when I am still in love with the boy who came with the rainbow in the storm.
It is important for you to know - so that you can be brave enough to go against all odds, fight your demons, and ask the girl whose your heart belongs to out. Scare not the people who judge, fear not those who forget your existence in their lives, for I am still here and I still remember the you at your 21-best. I loved you for everything that you were.
...and in many years my memory will fail me. I will gradually find myself unable to recall the color of your eyes and the fragrance of you after your long exhausting hike...
But I promise I will forever remember the sadness underneath your smile, the pain coated by your humor - the thoughtful, hard-on-self boy behind that carefree nonchalant mask of you
I will remember how much I loved you.
My dear, no matter what my finger tips will still remember the traces of your smile, the contour of your face, the shape of your sorrow and the shadow of your happiness. I will remember you as of today, when I am still in love with the boy who came with the rainbow in the storm.
It is important for you to know - so that you can be brave enough to go against all odds, fight your demons, and ask the girl whose your heart belongs to out. Scare not the people who judge, fear not those who forget your existence in their lives, for I am still here and I still remember the you at your 21-best. I loved you for everything that you were.
...and in many years my memory will fail me. I will gradually find myself unable to recall the color of your eyes and the fragrance of you after your long exhausting hike...
But I promise I will forever remember the sadness underneath your smile, the pain coated by your humor - the thoughtful, hard-on-self boy behind that carefree nonchalant mask of you
I will remember how much I loved you.
Wednesday, June 13, 2012
Painted my nail Red
I painted my nails red
today
a gentle reminder - that
love hurts - that
somewhere deep down I
do bleed, when the awkward silence
sinks in
Weren't we supposed to be
better than this. No, I mean
much better than this. So that
after I said: "I love you" and you
replied with: "but I love someone else"
We can be sincerely happy for one another
and
both, move on to better places
and new things
But no! You returned to your old shell
the one I bled to crack open - I walked in the rain,
trying to wash away the stained blood so that
I
can return fresh and new.
So I painted my nails red today
so next time when you walk away
I will have the courage to tell you
Stop right there and say what cloud your mind...
Spit it out - try me! I can be hurt by words,
but I would rather words than the silence
treatment. It sends me STRAIGHT to the
loony bin, and I - I don't do well there.
We'll see how things go
but perhaps, I will cowardly dig those red nails deep
into my skin the next time we sit in silence - or
talk nonsense about things that do not matter,
just so when it bleeds, I won't know if it was my
blood, my heart
or the red red crimson red
nail polish...
that smells nasty.
Monday, June 11, 2012
Where now?
Where now, Linhieee?
when you walk aimlessly for hours, not wanting to return to your hall - that place stores too many memories of the good old days, of love and something like love. You are scared of facing your residents, listening to the sound of them packing up, leaving this hall an empty soulless shell - seeing how amazing they have become, being proud that YES, you did play a part in their growth but YES, the time is up and you are bidding each and everyone of them goodbye.
Where now, Linhieee?
when you know it's time to leave, and that it was a job well done but the emptiness eats you up every single second you stare at that balcony, that table, that corner of the street you used to walk together. He's no longer yours to dream of - never yours indeed. Every morning you wake up - it gets harder and harder as you have to come to term with the fact that as the sun rises, your chance withers. As the supporting actress of the theater, your 3minutes 30 seconds is up so off you go. To the back stage, to the changing room where you shed your mask and return to life. But where to, when the audience are roaring with applause, the main leads embrace in a long deep, well-deserving kiss and you have to mute the deafening silent tears.
Where now, Linhieee?
when home isn't exactly the place you want to return, for the first time in your life. And honestly Denmark isn't the next exciting destination either.
Where now?Where are you going? Who's awaiting you? Who knows your pain and what you have been going through? Who sings "Cry on my shoulder" for you and fights your tears? Who now? Where now? What now?
No matter what, get the fck out of here first before you hurt yourself too much, before that scar runs deep, before your tears overflow . . .
One day you will give up being that super girl you are not. One day you will remind them that this girl's heart isn't made of steel, that it has been torn and right now, you are hurt.
One day - but not today.
when you walk aimlessly for hours, not wanting to return to your hall - that place stores too many memories of the good old days, of love and something like love. You are scared of facing your residents, listening to the sound of them packing up, leaving this hall an empty soulless shell - seeing how amazing they have become, being proud that YES, you did play a part in their growth but YES, the time is up and you are bidding each and everyone of them goodbye.
Where now, Linhieee?
when you know it's time to leave, and that it was a job well done but the emptiness eats you up every single second you stare at that balcony, that table, that corner of the street you used to walk together. He's no longer yours to dream of - never yours indeed. Every morning you wake up - it gets harder and harder as you have to come to term with the fact that as the sun rises, your chance withers. As the supporting actress of the theater, your 3minutes 30 seconds is up so off you go. To the back stage, to the changing room where you shed your mask and return to life. But where to, when the audience are roaring with applause, the main leads embrace in a long deep, well-deserving kiss and you have to mute the deafening silent tears.
Where now, Linhieee?
when home isn't exactly the place you want to return, for the first time in your life. And honestly Denmark isn't the next exciting destination either.
Where now?Where are you going? Who's awaiting you? Who knows your pain and what you have been going through? Who sings "Cry on my shoulder" for you and fights your tears? Who now? Where now? What now?
No matter what, get the fck out of here first before you hurt yourself too much, before that scar runs deep, before your tears overflow . . .
One day you will give up being that super girl you are not. One day you will remind them that this girl's heart isn't made of steel, that it has been torn and right now, you are hurt.
One day - but not today.
Sunday, June 10, 2012
The time has come...
She waited and waited for the first drop of rain to hit the ground. It had been three days yet there was no sign of the much expected tantrum. She sat in the deafening silence - awaiting the storm.
And finally it rained today - no it didn't rain. It poured. She put on a green dress and walked out. Lifting her chin up, she gazed into the tormented storm-ridden sky and let her pain finally hit rock bottom.
She whispered a prayer, a little prayer not for herself and with that a smile blossomed on her lips.
"Grandma, I am doing the right thing, right? Why does it hurt so much, still? Please bless me with the strength I need to gracefully walk away..."
And like a green frog, which bravely took the plunge deep down into the cold water, without fearing any unexpected danger awaiting underneath the calm surface, she walked away, dived into life and let the sky swallow up her traces.
It was as if she had never been there from the first place, never barged into their lives, fought their battle, relocated everything and changed their lives forever.
"Fate gives me a reason to be here and so I came. Now that my job is done, my prayer is answered, my worries are washed away... It's time to fulfill my end of the deal. . . Though Fate is cruel, it's the time has come"
You are not the reason why she leaves but you never give her a reason to stay. So she walks away.
And finally it rained today - no it didn't rain. It poured. She put on a green dress and walked out. Lifting her chin up, she gazed into the tormented storm-ridden sky and let her pain finally hit rock bottom.
She whispered a prayer, a little prayer not for herself and with that a smile blossomed on her lips.
"Grandma, I am doing the right thing, right? Why does it hurt so much, still? Please bless me with the strength I need to gracefully walk away..."
And like a green frog, which bravely took the plunge deep down into the cold water, without fearing any unexpected danger awaiting underneath the calm surface, she walked away, dived into life and let the sky swallow up her traces.
It was as if she had never been there from the first place, never barged into their lives, fought their battle, relocated everything and changed their lives forever.
"Fate gives me a reason to be here and so I came. Now that my job is done, my prayer is answered, my worries are washed away... It's time to fulfill my end of the deal. . . Though Fate is cruel, it's the time has come"
You are not the reason why she leaves but you never give her a reason to stay. So she walks away.
{for.you.i.write} 06
This perhaps is going to be one of the very last entries I am going to write about you and for you.
And it really is not a bad thing.
Today you came back from your date with a goofy smile and I think I know what that means. I was just so happy for you I could not even comprehend my feelings.
Wasn't I supposed to feel bitter? upset? and jealous? Wasn't I supposed to wish her ill? Isn't it just fair to have that human hatred? After all, the winner takes it all... Yet, I cannot bring myself to have such negative thought, especially toward you. Yet I cannot allow myself to stoop that low... I wonder if I am fair to myself.
Today, I feel a sense of happiness just seeing you happy, just seeing that adorably ridiculous smile lingering on your lips. That washed away all my worries. When you leave the room, my heart, ripped apart, snatched out of my chest felt that sense of hollowness. I am left with the emptiness and the gigantic questions:
Now what? What about me?
My dear, I know love is not a competition and Fate wasn't on my side. It was one cruel game She played and I was the foolish one. We were born under different circumstances and I came to know you a little too late to make a significant difference in our relationship. Life has plans for the both of us and I wonder if this is the end of my part in the play about you. The theater is cruel - supporting actors exit the stage and not many people wonder what happen to them. My time is running out and soon enough, the sky will swallow my traces. 3 months? I will be back, stronger and more jaded than ever. 3 months - 10 000 more steps, each one is a precise decision to get further away from the me whose heart belongs to you. 3 months? How many European cities, towns, bus rides, train stations? How many moments wandering under the European sky... My memory will fade and the bitterness will subside - all that I would like to keep is that piece of paper, with your red note imprinted on it.
And honestly, I doubt that I even need that piece of paper. That joke you nonchalantly made has tattooed in my heart. I would like to keep the sweetness from the pain.
My dear, your happiness will never be my pain. I guess the intersection of our paths has come to an end... It's bittersweet on my part but it's time to bid you goodbye.
My dear, goodbye.
And it really is not a bad thing.
Today you came back from your date with a goofy smile and I think I know what that means. I was just so happy for you I could not even comprehend my feelings.
Wasn't I supposed to feel bitter? upset? and jealous? Wasn't I supposed to wish her ill? Isn't it just fair to have that human hatred? After all, the winner takes it all... Yet, I cannot bring myself to have such negative thought, especially toward you. Yet I cannot allow myself to stoop that low... I wonder if I am fair to myself.
Today, I feel a sense of happiness just seeing you happy, just seeing that adorably ridiculous smile lingering on your lips. That washed away all my worries. When you leave the room, my heart, ripped apart, snatched out of my chest felt that sense of hollowness. I am left with the emptiness and the gigantic questions:
Now what? What about me?
My dear, I know love is not a competition and Fate wasn't on my side. It was one cruel game She played and I was the foolish one. We were born under different circumstances and I came to know you a little too late to make a significant difference in our relationship. Life has plans for the both of us and I wonder if this is the end of my part in the play about you. The theater is cruel - supporting actors exit the stage and not many people wonder what happen to them. My time is running out and soon enough, the sky will swallow my traces. 3 months? I will be back, stronger and more jaded than ever. 3 months - 10 000 more steps, each one is a precise decision to get further away from the me whose heart belongs to you. 3 months? How many European cities, towns, bus rides, train stations? How many moments wandering under the European sky... My memory will fade and the bitterness will subside - all that I would like to keep is that piece of paper, with your red note imprinted on it.
And honestly, I doubt that I even need that piece of paper. That joke you nonchalantly made has tattooed in my heart. I would like to keep the sweetness from the pain.
My dear, your happiness will never be my pain. I guess the intersection of our paths has come to an end... It's bittersweet on my part but it's time to bid you goodbye.
My dear, goodbye.
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