Mothers' Day

Tonight as I held a child heating up with a fever in my arm, rocking the chair back and forth gently, singing softly all the bits and pieces of what was supposed to be a lullaby, I wonder how my own mother did it, how my grandmother did it (7times) and how all the mother in the world did it. As the boy gradually fell asleep soundly and peacefully, my shoulders went numb. In his dreams, he smiled.

My plan for the night to finish any kind of assignments was unexpectedly abandoned. He became the priority almost suddenly. I think of my mother and all the times she drops everything - every single thing without a second thought to give me her fullest attention... Did my childish selfish self take her for granted?

Mothers are heroes. Happy Mothers' Day to all these wonderful women in the world :) ! Thank you

The saddest part

That part when I took a deep breath and held it in my chest, muttering the deafening silence

That part when I made just another excuse for your hurtful comment and your heartless decision 

That part when I try to reason, try to see the absolute best in you, try to see things from your perspective 

That part when I bend my heart and make myself believe we aren't worth it, I am not worth it - the effort to hold on to

- I explain to others enough I almost start to believe in what I have been lying to myself
(so it hurts less, so its cut isn't too deep, so my weak smile can fool some naive eyes)

That was the most painful part of holding on to you. 

The game you never win

There are games you will never win, can never win - the game of break up.
If you cry your eyes out, if you hold on - you are clingy and annoying, you have no pride, you shameless being! That person already left you for good. That person already let go of all that you two build together for so long.
If you let go too coolly, you emotionless sonofabitch, you ruthless ice queen, you cold stone statue... that person means nothing to you? Doesn't matter if behind the closed door every fiber of your being shattered and you crumble onto the ground like Rome's very own ancient ruins.

So you stand there, frozen, like an idiot. Confused and cared to even breath because the very next action may hurt the one you (still) love to no end

but you don't know, your very own silence and that split moment in time when your confusion took over, your consideration can be misinterpreted anyway. You hurt him anyway. This fucked up game you can never win.

When there is no more love, there is no more comfort that could ever make up the empty space in your heart. Embrace the pain. It's gotta happen. It's gotta cut anyway.

that one day

that one day when I move on
that one day when I finally fall in love with someone else
... please understand that, a part of me will always love you and with my whole heart, I wish you, my dear, all the very very best. And please understand that, it's never because he is better than you in any way - shapes or forms. It's just because at this moment in my life, he's the most compatible to me and yes, I of today love him very very much in a very different way.

At that point of my life when we fell for one another, you were the very best, the most suitable, adorable, amazing and loveliest for me... And I did give my all to you. But as the saying goes, "sometimes when people grow, they grow apart" We made a decision to grow up by growing apart. It's one decision we both will have to live with, for the rest of our life.

My silly silly man-to-be, you are so so special to me. My first kiss, My first sneak-out, My first touch, My sweet despair, you are my first break up.

that one day when it happens... smile for me, because there shouldn't be any tears left - for I had cried them all, the day I tore my heart open and let you go.

I wonder if you know yet...

“I wonder if you know yet that you’ll leave me. That you are a child playing with matches and I have a paper body. You will meet a girl with a softer voice and stronger arms and she will not have violent secrets or an affection for red wine or eyes that never stay dry. You will fall into her bed and I’ll go back to spending Friday nights with boys who never learn my last name. I have chased off every fool who has tried to sleep beside me You think it’s romantic to fuck the girl who writes poems about you. You think I’ll understand your sadness because I live inside my own. But I will show up at your door at 2 am, wild-eyed and sleepless. and try and find some semblance of peace in your breastbone and you will not let me in. You will tell me to go home.”

- Clementine von Radics Tumblr

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I wonder if you know yet... that we will not last. That at some point in time, you will have to accept the reality we have fought so hard against. We are not compatible - we aren't born to be together. You don't love me enough and I demand so much more. I would like to be loved and cared for by someone who desires to make sure I am really ok, someone who wants to hold me a little tighter to make up for that 6 years I wander the world on my own, someone who watches my sleep, fights away my nightmare and stands by me as I confront my fear... You are not that person and I have no idea why we are still here in this awkward box of shame...

I cannot give you what you want - a calmer pond, gorgeous sunshine... I am wide awake at 4 a.m. with tears-stained cheeks about to break down. I am lost in my own world even when I am surrounded by thousands of people. I am scared of past loss and future misfortune. I am fearful of people. I am self-conscious with my scars, imprinted on fragile skin.

Love alone is not enough, I know because I had loved you with my all. I just don't know how... A clumsy earnest child playing with crystal ornament.

The ruins were expected. 

Ruins

A count down
I am a girl with
an expiration date branded
on her head, bright red and
excruciating. It-
reminds me that love
isn't forever and perhaps it was
an illusion - sweet despair sweet
sweet dream, wake up...

"Stop ruining love by wanting it so badly"
Should have known it better, should have learned my lessons,
should have just let go
I walked into a dead end, just to smash my heart against the concrete.
My love is strong, my heart seems solid - How
FOOLISH to believe in cruel fairy tales
Lovers will eventually come together - they told me.
If you wish upon the stars - they told me.
Lie, lie, lie
What I have left in my hands are
ruins of a sweet despair.

Let go, Linh. Let go.
And go home. Build a home - a safe place
for your heart and hide
I can't do this anymore.
I can't.
I
just
can't

Is it all?

"Is it all

Or are we just friends?"

---

It happens like a flash. You turned the radio on and somewhat somehow a song of the past was on. And you caught yourself smiling a bittersweet one, a will-this-ever-end one, and the aftertaste wasn't any pretty. 

It saddens me how my life seems like a broken record. At this rate, I will soon add in a few more words into my hate list - and swear I would never use them again, or let them be used to describe me: such pathetic adjective like "nice" and such grey zone lazy noun like "friend". 

This time round, I am a tart happier. Yes, happier, and I count it my blessing. 

In a few minutes I will laugh these all off, and yes, it's another self-created drama, but this moment in time, I heard a silently roaring ocean in my head, whispering carelessly one word: Abandoned. again and again like wave crashing into rocky shores. . . And if this confuses you much, then again, this is for my sanity - another selfish record I keep. . . for the day to come, so that once I must, I will let go. I hope it will come easy - that I will come to a tranquil  point where I can take a deep breath and let go of just another thing I have been holding too close to my heart. 

I am actually sorry for the people whose mood was damped thanks to my post on facebook. Just because I get to spend Christmas alone in an apartment in Seattle - it doesn't mean anyone has to go down the drain with me and feel sorry for the little girl, throwing her head back on an abandoned swing...

I am a tart happier this time round, I am. 

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"When you reach the bottom it's now or never."