107b

At the age of twenty three

2012-01-31T09:38:00.001+08:00

At the age of twenty three, one stops thinking about a fancy wedding. Perhaps, it was due to the fact that she has been single for so long and so far - it has not been a dreadful experience. Not quite, she adds. Perhaps, it is indeed easier to wake up and count the number of to-do tasks on her list than to figure out an alibi for why he did not call last night. It seems pointless. Summer fling rarely ends in winter love. And at this age when she has so much to give, so much to live for - love seems to be an expensive item that she can't quite afford. She has to say, life has been decent - there are realistic things such as bills to pay, deadline to meet. And once again she toys with the idea of "What have I been missing out?" But other than those parties that somehow always occurs on her duty night shift, she dares claims she almost has it all. Or so she thinks, "There must be something missing, but not something I am afraid to miss"

At the age of twenty three, what occupies her mind the most has to be travelling. There is more to this life than settling down, getting attached and rotten in a corner, waiting for a certain miracle to happen - like a proposal question perhaps. Her friends are getting married, some already got married with child and some will soon get married in a year or two. She doesn't dread the ideas of attending those engagement weddings alone or worse (?) being questioned as if staying unattached is such a sinful crime. Being single has been a choice - or so she believes. And to make all those people feel better about themselves, she opts out for a self-pity lie: "Who would pay attention to someone like me?" LIE! Such a lie! She smirks coyly behind her laughter for she just doesn't believe that she is that unattractive. However rather than sitting around and waiting for more wedding invitation to flood her door ways, she starts with some small plans, a few plane tickets, a bunch of bookings - appointments of all sorts and before she knew it, travelling has become an addiction. It is always fascinating, she remarks, with a bright smile lingering on her very kissable lips. Getting lost here and there, eating strange cuisines and taste the awesomeness of extraordinary cultural experience might have been her favorite on the list. However, more or less, something has always been able to top over all that jazz... She can't quite figure out it yet, but she knew there has always been something...

... perhaps, the fascination of the 0.0001% possibility this day would be THE day of her life. Who knows? Life has always been kind to her - a miracle. Even when she was at lost, she had always been able to pick herself up and continue her run again.

At the age of twenty three, there are still a lot to learn - she firmly believes; much to see and more to observe. And so if you don't see her around this summer, give her a little prayer. Perhaps somewhere on this globe, she is enjoying another adventure - one that she deserves, one that she traded many things to achieve - like a warm pair of hands in winter, a hug when when she cries and a kiss goodnight.

She is not complaining, but at the age of twenty three, ones still cannot be so darn sure about her decision. It perhaps is a blessing, before she turns prude, sour and coy. The last bit of uncertainty makes her human, makes her lovable and makes waking up every morning worthwhile. At the age of twenty three, perhaps, what she misses out the most is a regular 8 hours sleep every night. Who knows? For she is not someone who counts her misfortune.

It has been such a pleasure, to restart every single day.

The beginning.

{Alinetoremember} One Day...

2012-01-24T17:11:00.001+08:00

Emma: "Whatever happens tomorrow, we had today. I'll always remember it."

Dexter: "I need to speak to someone, not someone... you"

Emma: "I love you, Dexter. I just don't like you anymore"

She made you decent and in return, you made her so happy

You were Dexter but I wasn't Emma. Some girls just can't trade her future for a moment of happiness, a girl like me. And for that, we never did, never will have a happy ending. And for that I never did, never will die in a tragedy of a wasted 20 years of unrequited love.

I guess I did not love you that much to give up my everything.

I guess... I am actually happy I did not, what about you?

{stuck}

2012-01-23T20:43:00.001+08:00

and because I can't say it out loud...

All these words got stuck in my throat... I tried and tried to pronounce each syllabus precisely, yet nothing came out. What was left was the awkward silence. The moment where I faced my own reflection from the mirror.... I had to say it, to express it. God darn it. I must let it out before these words - like infected wound, ate me alive. But once again, today, I choked on silent sounds and the hazy illusion... of something I know not.

I have not stopped trying.

How can I speak this out? My pain? While I was taught by circumstances that I must never share my scars, I must never show my weakness and I must laugh through the rain... Every time I really need someone - almost like a drowning kitten, no one is there. Even my dear mother who would chat with me on a regular basis, somehow disappeared. I have given up on the alibi that something must have gone wrong - the internet connection, the phone line... Perhaps it's fate. Fate that I grow lonelier as I mature. Fate that I must learn to deal with my pain before I enjoy a half-ass hug. Being comforted, consoled is such a privilege I had not thoroughly enjoyed if not, at all. When asked, if I feel misunderstood, misjudged... I honestly tell that I don't feel misunderstood. I am aware that I am not understood therefore I accept the fact that I will not be understood. You shouldn't desire what you can't have, or so I learn...

However I still yearn to wear my heart on my sleeves, to cry it out unapologetically. To say this to my mom without having my conscience weighing down on me: "I am sorry I shouldn't feel this way. I know I am blessed but..." But WHAT? But... the fact that I am only 23 and it's darn tiring to be responsible all the time. Even my mother did not expect this from me, but why am I trying so hard? Sometime I am scared of a touch. Because I know, one single touch and I would break down. So I walked back, up high... It's lonelier on top. The higher you climb the more painful you'll suffer once you let gravity pull you down.

I also gave up giving reason for why I cried alone in the middle of the night. It was a necessity, like breathing. I must let my heart breath out its unrequited desire. There is only how much you can keep on suppressing yourself before you explode. . .

and sometime I wonder, if explode - exploded -explosion is such a bad idea.

I have gone to far to back off. I can't just let go.

------

... it's funny how I have written hundreds words, but still you don't have any idea what pained me so badly, what exactly I wanted to just let go and tell... That's the point. There is already too much sorrow in this world already, and no one needs a tainted piece of my torn sky. Onza, tmr is another day

{MODERN LOVE} Even in English, a Language Gap

2012-01-21T19:11:00.005+08:00

MODERN LOVE

Even in English, a Language Gap

By JENNIFER PERCY

Published: December 4, 2009

THE Latina girl, wearing all black, said: “You’re dating a foreign guy, right?Well, I dated this foreign guy for three years. I was living in New York and he was in Paris. I found out he had another girlfriend the whole time.”

“I met his parents though,” I said. “That always means things are serious.”

“I met his parents, too,” she said. “They knew the whole time. Meeting his parents doesn’t mean anything.”

People are always trying to educate me about dating foreigners. For a while I let their words affect me. After my encounter with the Latina girl, I told my boyfriend I didn’t believe him when he said “I love you,” just as I hadn’t believed him the first time he said it, only three weeks after we met.

Could it really mean the same thing for him to say “I love you” in English if he spoke German? He said it did, of course it did. But I sensed that when he cursed in English it was just a sound to him, because when I curse in a foreign language it’s just a sound to me. Why should saying “I love you” be any different?

Once, years ago, I had uttered “te amo” to a man in Spain, and I admit I said it just to hear the words come out of my mouth, to see how they would feel in my voice, on my tongue.

The Spanish man warned me never to say te amo again unless I meant it. I said it three more times in a row, all at that moment, and then never again.

My German boyfriend isn’t even German. He’s from the Balkans, a refugee from the war who moved to Heidelberg in the ’90s with his parents when he was a teenager.

We have a long-distance relationship; he lives mostly abroad and travels frequently. We see each other as much as possible and wherever we can — many times a year. But the distance between our words sometimes feels greater than the distance between our physical selves. He speaks Serbo-Croatian, German and English. Two languages separate us.

I don’t speak German but I’ve said “ich liebe dich” plenty of times and it never does feel like a contract the way saying “I love you” feels like a contract. He, too, has said ich liebe dich to me. When we first started dating, this should have been a comfort to me, but it wasn’t. German sounded strange and ich liebe dich sounded ugly to my ear compared to “I love you.” It bounced off of me, it didn’t stay, didn’t embed itself like “I love you.”

I once tried saying “volim te” — “I love you” in Serbo-Croatian — and he didn’t respond. I asked if I’d said it right and he said I had. Then he repeated it quietly.

That’s the one, I thought: volim te. That’s the “I love you” that works for me, the one that is honest.

Later I asked him if this was true, if saying “I love you” in his first language was more honest. He said it wasn’t. He assured me that “I love you” has the same meaning for him in all of his languages.

We met when he was a student in America, when all we spoke was English. We had been together for four months before I heard him converse in German — we were in Berlin together, and it startled me: he looked suddenly possessed, as if he were speaking in tongues. I almost expected him to fall to the floor and be healed.

For his work he frequently speaks in German before an audience of Germans. I thought I would enjoy seeing him do this; I expected I would be able to follow along somehow. Instead it felt as if I had been dropped on another planet where the person with whom I am most intimate, the person I had just slept with, was having a secret and separate interaction with everyone around me.

I sat in the back so no one would judge me, so they wouldn’t notice when I failed to laugh at the funny moments or if I played with my camera during the serious ones.

When my boyfriend was in New York for a while and a girl stayed with him there, I asked if she was his ex-girlfriend “or something,” and he said no, she wasn’t. I wondered if “or something” didn’t carry enough weight or meaning for him to address the fact that even though she may not have been his ex-girlfriend she was still more than just a friend, or had been, or so I imagined.

Euphemisms, politeness, suggestiveness, sarcasm, irony and passive-aggressive gestures — all risk being lost in translation.

In my writing class, I teach my students about subtext. I tell them people alter their conversations depending on whom they wish to address. I tell them people rarely say what they mean, that we are constantly revising our words, that the movement from thought to word is often transformative and strange.

Subtext does not often transfer between languages.

Early in our relationship, my boyfriend complimented a woman on her dress and I became upset. He said he was just being honest. I asked if he would mind if I complimented men, and he said he wouldn’t, but I wished he would.

Perhaps this kind of directness is a cultural difference. One evening in Germany, an old professor of his, the man who taught him German, joined us and said to me in surprise: “You are his girlfriend? He didn’t mention you when we spoke last year. He said he was happy and alone.”

When I confronted my boyfriend about this later, he said, without much concern: “Allein can mean many things. It can mean single but it can also mean living alone, being alone, working alone.”

“Ich bin glücklich und allein.” I am happy and alone. If this phrase ever were to come out of my mouth, the subtext would almost certainly be that I was unhappy and lonely.

The phrase stayed with me. I reinterpreted the words and reformed them and in the process I reinterpreted him, us, me. Would it always be this way, I wondered? Would our language and cultural differences always allow for excuses to be made, for meaning to be reformed? In those days our words seemed like soft clay that never dried.

“I was so in love with you there,” he said one evening when I mentioned the place in the Midwest where we had met. He said that phrase often, and it always vaguely distressed me, as if he was suggesting that love was a label he could pass along freely from day to day, attaching it here and there in his memory.

I asked a friend about this and the friend said he thought it was better that way, about love, and how my boyfriend moved it around like an object. He told me he thought my boyfriend was honest, and that no one can ever love someone constantly, equally, at all times. It has to rise and fall and wax and wane to maintain its permanence. That is its permanence.

My boyfriend explained it this way: In German you can say “ich habe mich gerade wieder in dich verliebt,” which translates as “I just fell in love with you again,” but which actually means a moment when you realize again why you are in love with someone, an outburst of love.

My boyfriend’s parents live in the United States. They had to leave Germany after the war, though he was allowed to stay to complete his schooling. For years they lived an ocean apart.

TWO summers ago, when my boyfriend was out of the country and I was living a few hours from his parents, he suggested that I visit them. I welcomed the chance to meet them as a way to feel closer to him.

They invited their Balkan friends over and spoke Serbo-Croatian, and another barrier grew. But during my stay they were selfless in their care for me, and in fact I have visited them more in the last two years than I have visited my own parents.

One night during my first visit with them, his parents showed me a video of their son receiving an award at a ceremony in Germany. At the end of the ceremony he gave a speech, thanking everyone who had helped him. His mother translated the German here and there for me.

After a few minutes his father got up from his seat on the floor and sat next to me on the couch. “Do you know what he just said?” he asked.

I said that I didn’t.

“He said he would like to say hello to his girlfriend in America.”

My joy was a bit too obvious, as if all my sadness at missing him dissolved into this single phrase.

It was the Fourth of July and we walked outside together to watch fireworks, but we could barely see the blooming lights over the apartment roofs.

I told his mother I was happy about what he’d said, happy that he had remembered me at his award ceremony.

“What did he say?” she asked.

“He said hello to me,” I said. “Didn’t you hear?”

“He didn’t say that,” she said.

I looked at his father and waited. He smiled.

“No, he was joking.” She turned to him. “Why did you say that?”

He put his hand on my shoulder and apologized.

Later I imagined he’d lied to me as a kindness, that we both shared a similar sense of longing and abandonment, and that it was the sort of lie he would have liked someone to have told him during all those years he had to be away from his son.

Jennifer Percy is a graduate student in Iowa City.

down before the rain

2012-01-19T12:47:00.003+08:00

and every time it rains, I wish you were still waiting for me

at a place, called home

Everything will fade, from the fragrance of someone you love to the color of the sky. My inaccurate memories are fading, one day, the remaining bits and pieces will only be the collection of the selected things that I desire to remember. Memories do know how to play tricks on us. I woke up one morning 5 years ago, smiled for I could not recall a particular part of my time in Bath: the color of Lukas's eyes.

They fade into the winds, one by one.

When it all happened so fast, and you are stuck in the broken time... a minute ago someone was still waiting for your return at a place called home, someone would nag you and complain about the you - who never ever remembered to bring an umbrella when the weather forecast predicted heavy rain, someone would care, pay attention to your red puffy eyes when you returned from school... now she is gone.

just... gone

and you know, every time it rains, you would want to rewind the time. You would pray for another chance. You would whisper her name so softly that she, wherever she is, would not be able to hear your longing. Three years down the road, you want her not to worry, you want her not to burden her heart with your confusion - some colors of this world faded the day she went away...

..."grandma"

And the you who now keep an umbrella in her bag, always, marched on in the pouring rain. You uttered her name and the echo of silence and solitude took your breath away...

Grandmother...

I am already down,

before the rain

#thistouchmyheart

2012-01-14T14:01:00.002+08:00

"What I could do as a hyung* is when he is getting hit by hundreds of rocks, I can sneak in for a bit and block at least five of those rocks so that he can breathe a little.”

Kim Jang Hoon,

on MC Mong's issue - source Osen

*Huyng: Older Brother, Older male to a younger male (not necessarily related)

Perhaps because we all have been treated too cruelly, brutally by this world, we grow callous, we desire retribution, we want karma. I am not saying one should not have to pay for his own action, or take responsibility for his deeds because we all know: what goes around comes around.

However, never wish someone ill, never be cruel, never inflict pain upon someone else if you can help it... They will "get" it, one way or another. Have mercy - stay with them for a moment when the world is against them, and let them breath...

It's always good to have someone around... Someone with you.

Have a kind day :)

from now on

2011-10-26T16:30:00.001+08:00

I have never stopped thinking about writing.

this is the truth

It's within me - the urge to write, to jot down a line or two of something strange that overtakes my breath for a moment. I still compose a little bit of everything everyday, unspoken, unwritten words. I will end up pondering about those thoughts for a few days, asking myself whether I should or should not materialize these secrets of mine... I end up shielding them all away from this world.

And so I built. It's like a library inside your head. It's messy and smells like old papers in rainy seasons. There are no walls just white wooden bookshelves that stack up from the bottom of the floor to the ceiling. I fill them full with muted desire, muffle cry and desperate longing. Those are MINE, I said. But as I stand in front of my newly conquered triumph, I feel out of breath... Ah... I miss the feeling of sharing, of having his head on my laps as we both drifted off to the two different worlds that our books took us. I miss that feeling of curling up inside my room, with a book in my hand, the warm yellow light and some highlighters. There are unspoken words that I cannot share with the world now - I keep them here safe.

but from now on

from now on, I would like to brush away my fear. I don't owe anyone out there an explanation for what I do and do not. This is fiction, this is the thought that takes my breath away... a scene from my imagination of a girl named her and a guy named him. This isn't me or someone I know - but as I write I would like to get to know them. It isn't something that happened or will happen or must happen... Maybe one day I would keep my promise and write about them in a proper manner. Maybe one day I would string those fragmented bits and pieces of their stories together and make sense out of this confusion...

These are the possibilities. I don't know. I can't possibly know right now for I am buried alive with a tiny straw to breath under what it's called: my reality. It's just nice, that I have somewhere else to go every time I want to. That there is always a place, the place where they live, fall in and out of love.

from now on, let's just take it easy

and

breath ...

never mind?

2011-10-25T16:30:00.000+08:00

so... it has come to my attention that I don't really "get" the awesomeness of music hits nowadays.

First it was the Grenade song, which hit me like a grenade, literally. While people's hearts are bursting out... in tears like a grenade singing the darn song, I find myself rolling my eyes -.-" It's a typical physical reaction of a snobbish individual a.k.a me... Friends of mine thought the song was darn romantic, breathtaking beauty, I felt like a troll for being so disagreeable.

'Cuz here is the deal, my friend. I see no bravery, no romance, no ultimate love in such suicidal love. "I'll catch a Grenade for you"... yeah... and what? leaving me alive watching you being torn off into pieces? Funny, thanks but no thanks. The whole idea is traumatizing and ridiculously obnoxious, in my personal opinion. However the whole idea that there is actually an individual who could actually see any romance in it frightens me even more. No wonder why the girl doesn't want you. And dear, you really really don't have to agree with me. Wait till you actually experience the trauma of loosing someone dear, then we shall sit down and talk: whether or not you still want a dead boyfriend and a unfinished romance to store in your memory. It's not gonna be a pleasant conversation, I assure you.

Then "Someone like you" rolls in and I raised eyebrows. It's another depressing song - I have nothing against the singer. She is mad talented. The problem is that I have no idea what you all are thinking... "Never mind I'll find someone like you" It's like after a failed relationship, you want to go back and find another clone - like reading the same book with different covers, knowing very well how it's gonna tragically end.

We - humans, tend to look for sadness and pain for some odd reasons. I wonder if the whole idea of having an ordinary boyfriend who is at the very least alive for you has become outdated, mediocre and odd. I wonder if the whole idea of learning from your mistake, that THIS kind of guys ain't gonna work out with me hence, let's find a totally different type of men has also become strange... Must we? for crying out loud, jump into the same trap twice and then blame Fate for her cruelty.

Remember you took the plunge yourself. I am just saying.

And never mind me :) Just mind what you listen to.

if a day is started with Cassiopeia/BigEast love, it can never go wrong...

2011-08-16T00:24:00.003+08:00

.
.
.
Dedicated to my T-List girls, I am back
.
.
.
You have been travelling alone at the age of 14, through UK, Italy, Thailand... you name it. You have had outstanding days - living in the priest dorm in Vatican, walking in the rain in Bath hands in hands with your crush, talking to perfect strangers who seemed to be your soul mate...Just so you would not start to beat around the bush, you remind yourself that you should like to make this statement loud and clear: "there have been a lot of amazing days in my travelling life - but I dare say, not that many, or indeed barely ANY could beat THIS day of ours (with my Ferina and JinSol. It all started with Cassiopeia/BigEast love... and life proves me right, a day started so glorious, would NEVER go wrong..."

Bear with yourself, my love - for going through your dirty laundry list is really not your niche. You have scrutinized your own blog from the very first entry - just so you had to quit writing recently because you could never be the kind of bloggers who goes like: "Oh, today I meet S. chat with G. go shopping with A. and OH MY GOD, we bought this and that from brand X Y Z -.-" No not me not I. However such a wonderful day like today, you believe "love is contagious. I must share and pass this happiness forward..." that's why you went on twitter, announced your sudden comeback to the blogger world with your ultimate close friends online. So here you go:

So let's start at 7:03. When the alarm started to "shout like an ehhhh ohhhhh" (Cassie joke), and because you could barely stand that particular song, you opened your eyes to finish the final project. Being outstandingly (and shockingly) productive, you were able to leave the dorm nest in Dankook University at 10 in your ultimate favorite dress... and never would you ever imagine, happiness could simply start with 3 words...

magical words

"I miss you"

... does it ring a bell?

"I miss you"

Perhaps it does not, to others, because in this plain and soundless font, it's meaningless. But imagine a tune... a beautiful tune that captured your heart for the past 3 years with odd; the particular tune that made your heart skip thousand beats whenever you heard it over the radio, in a shop or somewhere near Korean town; that tune that depicts your ultimate feeling with the only band you ever call yourself fan of...

You are right. Hell-to-the-yeah, you are bloody RIGHT, and you knew it immediately. The six Japanese girls who were walking in a group behind your back as you were rushing to the bus station were Tohoshinki's fans. Simply by listening to those 3 words, you could tell, that was Tohoshinki's "Miss You" - that MUST be. And instead of smiling goofily to yourself, you turned around and ask: "Isn't it Tohoshinki's song? Are you BigEast?"

That was JUST enough for them to scream their hearts out in joy. And the rest was history. You talked and talked just like that time you found the lady who owned a CD shop in Kangnam, who went to Yonsei University, married and still displayed the Hall of Honor for DB5K in her shop... You talked and talked and one of the girl asked you who your bias was, which you replied with Yunho - immedi-freaking-ately she pulled out her purse, took out a BigEast limited picture of Yunho and Changmin and handed it you as a gift. You talked and talked and were told that: "Really? Not a lot of people talk about DB5K anymore here? We still love DB5K a lot and many of us are waiting for their comeback, as 5 of course" and you were breathless...

... and you realized you had become weary of the news, the drama, the boys themselves - to be fcking honest. You have been proud of yourself for not being a blind fan since day1 - for that you could clearly state that Heading to the Ground by your bias Yunho was a poor excuse of buying attention from the poor excuse of a script writer and the broadcasting company. For that you have been sick of J.Y.J new songs and albums because you know it best: these boys are talented ballad singer/song writers - but for the sake of topping chart, they are relishing dance songs to maintain their presence in the industry (compared to ballad, dance songs usually do much better on chart - name it Gee, RingDingDong, Sorry Sorry, Mirotic...)

... and for a moment, you became honest with yourself - you have been weary of the boys themselves. You no longer maintain that high level of interest in Yunho, Changmin, Jaejoong, Yuchun and Junsu - you skip several news about them, stop staring and adore every freaking picture posted on DBSKnights. But what keep you? What keep you here with them until this moment, 2 years after the law-fcking-suit?

It's no longer the boy - individually or even, you dare say any duo, trio of them. You hate the new music, new songs. You hate soul-searching for the missing voices in every freaking single song. If not for DB5K individually then who? Now you know the answer: it is BigEast and Cassiopeia that keep the faith - keep YOUR faith... The songs have all changed, the boys have grown up callous with groundless scandals and unbearable pressure/injustice but Cassiopeia/BigEast's chant? It's still the same...

And on this day you met a perfect stranger whose only link to you was the love for the five boys you have never interacted in your life, on that day she handed you this beautiful gift of friendship - you believe it must be a message from above: Linhieee, hang on. It's ok to get weary, it's ok to be disheartened. It's ok that the fire of the torch you promise to hold on for them - like the sparkle of the light house so that them 5 can return "home" home as DB5K in the storm is weak! You are NOT alone, there will be 800 000+170 000 +++ Cassie here to fuel your fire. We are in this together, just for them...

You smiled brightly. The T-bus card you thought you forgot in the dorm suddenly appeared in your bag, next to your iTouch. You happened to visit Gyeongbok Palace right at the moment the guard-change ceremony took place. You were given a JYJ Nature Republic free gift by chance. You visited Bukchin Hanok Village and lost breath by its beauty. You had a wholehearted delicious dinner with your best friend and MakKoLi. You did not sleep on the bus as usual and happened to catch the Jaejoong advertisement on Lotter Duty Free building when the bus passed by MyongDong (support JJ's Protect the Boss ad). You talked to strangers on the bus, had a great time and came back just to hear HoMin's Back to Tomorrow:

A solitary flower, pure in bloom ~~in a tree~~, so fragile but proud
Looking at you full of youthful zest, tears are beginning to overflow
Let’s walk the long road, once again from the beginning
Tomorrow should shine　BACK BACK BACK now, please BACK BACK BACK with me
Should surely shine again　BACK BACK BACK together BACK BACK BACK with you

A day started with Cassiopeia/BigEast love would never go wrong... They call it coincidental - you know it's sign and it's fate. You tell yourself: screw the rest - stans and whatnot. Realistically - as a level headed Business major chick, you know it - DB5K would never go back as 5 as long as the butthurt SM is still involved. But this is why we call it faith, when everything is impossible there is still faith - and for faith, you tell yourself: let's just take it one day at a time. They maybe back after serving the army? They maybe back a year from now? OR right this December... it doesn't matter. They will be back and for you... that's just far enough.

...

had a wonderful day! and will go on having more wonderful days under the Rising Sun

2011-08-03T19:37:00.000+08:00

I cried a river today

just want to remember today - the day I walked pass Gangnam station, through gate six, clutching a particular book closely to my sob, boarded on Bus 8101 till the bus termination.

I know why I cried, and I will always remember why I cried today

"Please look after your mother"
Yes I will, no matter what, I am going to take care of parents. They are precious to me, yes they are, more than the air I breath.

New generation of Janitors - and the People we thought of as Friends

2011-07-10T18:16:00.001+08:00

Perhaps it is really hard to maintain a blog that doesn’t contain a single rant from the blogger. But hey, bloggers are humans and are sentient beings, just like any other homo sapien out in the streets. Well, here’s mine.

It is sometimes unfathomable how friends call you friends with their mouth, and you take their word so seriously you defend them with everything you’ve got. But sadly, it ended up us being the janitors cleaning up the mess our ‘friends’ have created for us. And yet, because they are indeed our friends (regardless whether they see us as tools, toys, or pushovers), we still help them because our conscience egged us to.

Yes, I am indeed the new generation of janitors the world sees today. I do not clean the faeces men and women physically produce every day as a part of their lives. I clean a different kind of manure, less filthy in smell but at least twice as foul as its brown-coloured cousin. I clean the shit people I know throw at me.

Wait, this is different from helping friends doing something. I am a helper, and I love to help my friends with their things, even if sometimes I have a bad feeling about it. But this is completely different from people asking you to help solve the troubles they’ve created. Because of this, I am in an awkward position. I have questions to answer, of which I do not know the exact answer because only the firestarter knows it better than I do. Similar to a janitor, when the supervisor asks how come there’s faeces outside of the toilet bowl. The janitor just shrugs and cleans up the mess anyway, even if that doesn’t belong to the poor janitor.

Until now, I’m still doing my janitorial duties because nobody else is willing to do so. But thankfully, I’ve learnt something important during my work at an IT company for a month. Whatever shit they throw at me, I do not pick them up and treat them as if it’s my own.

These shit aren’t mine. I’ll clean it, but they’re not mine. I will not delve into depression thinking about how these people could do such lowly thing to their own friends (or whatever they call me). I will not allow my emotional stability to be disrupted by troubles that aren’t caused by me in the first place.

Perhaps I should remind myself of this saying from a certain tutor:

If you give me shit, I’ll give you double the shit.

But I guess I’m too nice to return the ‘favour’ anyway.

by GouJun Lee

when you are finally here

2011-05-18T07:15:00.000+08:00

.
.
.
I always tell myself, that day I will allow myself to cry my eyes out.
.
.
.
that
day
.
when you are finally here.
.
all these years of holding on, letting go, growing up... all these pains that I muffle with my pride, one day, when you are finally here,... I will be able to say it all, cry them out - I will be able to walk down the street with feather steps - rest my burdened heart. I will stop being the wonder woman I am not. To love, to care, to be loved, to be cared for. I still believe, no matter what, that day will come.
.
. what takes you so long?

April showers! Bring me fowers

2011-04-18T05:59:00.001+08:00

...down pours the rain - the memories of love, remain

It's been 3 months with odds since Fatty's death. Things still go on, I wake up every morning - breathing evenly, I go to school, do homework, attend meetings - cry once in a while for no rhyme or reason in the middle of no where, and then I wipe all my tears away - like nothing happens.

'Cuz nothing happens, nothing actually happens. Come April showers, bring me spring flowers. The merciless cycle of life and death. Today, I am drenched in the cold rain, with my hair royally fucked up and my notes soaked. Winds still blow and cruel scoring sun still dries away everything under the sky like nothing Just happened. Nothing happens or had happened 'Cuz no matter how much I cry, life still goes on as if I haven't lost someone I love, someone dear. So I don't make it a public scene anymore. 'Cuz no one freaking really cares a part of me dies along with their departure... No one knows behind the closed door, in the rain, on her way back in pitch dark, a young girl took off her tough mask wearily and let her tears fall.

April Rain.

It's not the first time I could not say goodbye to the one I love. After Aricin's death, comes grandma's sudden departure - and Fatty slipped away in pain. My Fatty suffered so much before he slipped away, so much that my heart shatters at the mere memories of our last farewell. He was being coy and did not come to say goodbye to me when I was leaving for America. I told him - "As if you are that special" and left. He walked up stair in silence. The darkness swallowed him - I was breathless for a moment but I did nothing... I left, not knowing the next time I could see him was through Skype, he could barely stand up, barely breath, barely eat anything or drink. But stand up he did, crawled toward the computer where he could hear my voice more clearly... Mom said he could have another day or two... December 26, 2010 at roughly 2pm Vietnam time, eternally he rests, my Fatty, my love, my "master of the house". Mom and dad sent Fatty to grandmother. Dad took half day off, driving in the December rain to bring Fatty to his last home on earth. I wasn't there.
I
Was
Not
There

April Rain.

And the days slowly creeps in ... gentle reminder that Aricin had been gone for so so long. 4 years. I turned 18, 19, 20, 21 and 22 soon without him. I grow older than Aricin, when he passed away at the age of 19. I have so much more to give, so much more to live for - so I bite my lips and press on. Whenever someone tells me it's impossible, that I cannot do it, that this is off my reach, I bites my lips again and press on. For the girl, loved by Aricin, will never be a quitter - she will create miracle and nothing less than perfection. Fearless as I seem, I am scared of free time, scared of nothingness, scared of having that much freedom on my own. I am scared that without fail, my heart goes back to the grave I left my love rest in peace years ago.

April Rain.
The merciless cycle of Spring, Summer, Fall, Winter, Spring goes on. When April rain comes, I know it's time ... The memories relieve. Like dead flowers of the yester-year, new love springs up from the grave of the past. I wonder, still wonder, that one day when my heart learns to love again, will I still cry whenever April comes and leaves? Will I still remember how Aricin's departure changed me forever? How I learn to let go of everything dear - the last lesson he taught me, taught me really well?

So here I kneel, in the memories of grandmother, my guardian angel, bless me with strength and will power. She who knew loneliness. She who lived 43 years of her life in the remembrance her husband, her lover, her life knew longing and strength, and loyalty and everything that I admire. Bless me with your wisdom - it's April, grandmother, and I should not lie: I miss him so...

the fridge's story

2011-03-29T13:08:00.000+08:00

It's been a while since I last wrote.

I wonder if you still check on my blog (the decaying one, the abandoned one) - I had always been very hurtful and sour. I never thought you would bother - you always seemed too cool and oblivious. But that was a mask - a lock that I could not decode. When you finally broke down and told me how painful my words pierced right through you, I was stunned. I did not mean to pain you. So:

I did not write anymore. Somehow, some way, I could not do it - intentionally hurting you. So I quit for a long while - that could have been the period I spent the most time of my life with myself. :) I started collecting my own thoughts and stuff them all in this tiny *ar inside my heart. There must be a crack somewhere, I do not know, but whenever I open that precious treasure of mine, all the pain already vanish. Ah... maybe this is how he used to do it. I tell myself so, I still remember your eyes reflecting the summer blue sky - At some point, I wonder why you kept reading it, why you did not tell me that you cared. But would it matter?

It was the past. This story is no longer about you or anyone else, but a fridge - MY fridge.

So here is the deal :) I bought my 1st fridge with my very own 1st pay check in America. it was $129 with a freezer inside. I was given a small red rice cooker with steamer. :) Nothing much, you may laugh but somehow, I think I am ready for the world. Baby steps, I know - I am living on my own for the first time and this very thought is not that frightening. I should not dramatize it too much 'cuz I figure out it's part of growing up. Still it's a challenge. I am going to live well.

There is still laundry to be done and applications to fill in :) So I am gonna stop my entry very soon.

It's a $129 fridge but it's mine - I kept looking at it since last night when I put it together on my own. trying to figure out how it worked. I can tell you right now that I am indeed proud.

You should be happy for me. I know you are.

We may not love each other the way the other person wants to - or the way love should be defined but I know we would never wish anything but the best for the other person. For that I am grateful. April is coming and April has always been hard for me. But as I look at my fridge sitting proudly on one side of the room right now, I think I will make it :)

I am really happy here - as happy as I can be

as the violin dies

2011-02-23T14:10:00.001+08:00

.
.
.
i die within
and here within this tiny deluded world I create, there prevails a glamorous rainbow

"come over" - you called out for me

I heard your voice, but step I did not - for tears of heaven I fear, so here I stay
in this warm sunshine of my earthly pleasure.

"Don't cry for me"

I - at least - no matter how foolish, pathetically foolish me - will always see the bluest, most glorious shade of sky even when darkness collapses onto my shoulder. Don't you know I have been blind? Tears blurred my vision away - What I see now is only the collection of carefully selected memories of what once was my happiest day under the sun.

"Don't feel sorry for me"

I - at the most - would cry a river on my way back from the 8 (freaking) pm class or 11 (freaking) pm meeting, in freezing winter breezes. At the very most, I would hide myself under the blanket and let my emotion take over. For no one is supposed to share these private moments I barely have with the facade of you...

Life is like this.
and so it is...
the violin dies
but there... somewhere here on earth, the music begins.
I'm only at the very start of our separation
Maybe I will never learn to smile truly
Maybe I will be able to laugh wholeheartedly tomorrow
Ultimately there is no such thing as a perfect farewell

will you wait for me?

of grades and life

2011-02-14T13:58:00.003+08:00

.
.
.
.
you know what I hate the most?
- I hate the B+ the most.

It's not a C - aka Can't-do-this kinda grade. Somehow, it's so much better if it is because a B++ = the half-ass or last minute effort of someone who has the full potential of being an A grade student but fall short because of his/her lack of determination.

and I... I have detested myself for a good 13 years of education for never doing my best in my academic life as much as I could.

you know what I no longer want to see?
- I no longer want to see that 89 mark on my paper.

It's a B++++ but could not reach the A-. It's me in a nutshell - the girl who always comes second because she never has the greed to come 1st. But isn't it a waste, to be an overall B++/A--- student all along? To be the best friend but not the lover, to be the taken for granted?

Yes it is, and I no longer want to live like this anymore!

the Last letter

2011-02-12T16:53:00.001+08:00

four letters were sent out of Ashland, Oregon today

- one of which bore an address of a friend that I will henceforth let go

it wasn't hard to pen down my wishes for her in years to come. A friend who was there for me in need, would always be someone I treasure. It wasn't hard as well, to come to this decision without pain. I guess, at the age of 21 (going on 22) - I have learned to accept this cycle as the matter of fact - we meet and shall part in due time. It's too tiring to hold on - and I do not practice, not to mention, master the art of unconditional love. It's only regretful that I could not bring myself to tell her "This is the last letter." But I guess, she wouldn't mind - how can you really "mind" over something you no longer care about.?

so today I walked down to the post office, purchased that 98 cent international stamp :) paid $1.12 instead, pealed off the first layer and sticked 3 stamps on top of the red envelop. It had already been decided, yet still, I felt that breathless moment when the letter slipped out of my finger tips and disappeared inside the yellow mail box...

it's time, dear love, farewell

venture to the world beyond! taste sadness and enrich your life with true tragedy and beauty

Let's meet when our paths crossed once more.

till then, be well

---------------------

-untitled-

2011-01-17T01:39:00.000+08:00

차갑게 안아줘 세상에 맞서야 해

Hug me coldly. I must face the world.

---

I detest myself, whenever I treasure someone who mindlessly walks over my affection. I have never been the kind of person who would say sorry for a crime, convicted unanimously. But then I did, because you were more important than my pride. I regret it

much

Dignity - I should not have forgotten

my identity

I will lose it all, if I trade off my dignity

you are not worthy of my dignity

you are not, and no one is.

#DBSK - because of you, selfish fans

2011-01-13T16:25:00.001+08:00

2 years and 3 months they are mute.
2 years and 3 months Yunho was under depression, drank and wandered around subway line
2 years and 3 months Changmin grew thinner, and harsher.

2 years and 3 months

you ask, you complain, you wait for them to give their stance on the situation

so now they did - and your reactions are the perfect reasons why they have muffled their frustration these 2 years and 3 months.

Don't lie, at least, don't be pathetic and lie to yourself.

You do not want their answer, their point of view

You only want to hear what you want to hear: those sweet words: "forever five" "brothers for life"

Right now, you are not supporting the trio for who they are. You claim yourself a JYJ bias only because of your selfish nature, because they are telling you things you want to hear. But the moment of epiphany, if Junsu decided to focus his 200% on the musical path, or Jae decided to follow his Rock star dreams and Yuchun no longer see the need of getting back together as 5.

I guess, you will turn away from them once again and call them names.

The Homin boycott - I could not believe in my eyes. You did not have a problem with "The new beginning" - which means the end of the past (full package, do not even start interpreting the truth the way you want it) but now they see the need to bash "Keep your head down" You did not see the soulless Yunho on red carpet, walking like a robot with perfect fake smile - because you are too busy wiping your blood streaming out of your nose admiring Jae's half naked bubble bath shoot. Let's not compare who suffer more here. I don't believe in this department, any one of them outshines the other. In their own way, they all are in despair

But seeing them existing with their burden hearts is not enough, you have to go all the way and inflict more pain. Bashing Junsu, you think Yunho is happy, right? Who are you protecting? None of them, you hurt us all with your thorn words

I am not any one's bias at this moment in time. This fandom is getting too ridiculous nowadays that I do not care anymore. Too many self-claimed Cassies. What do you know? Because I am a Cassie, I must applause Kanye's composition which, in my opinion, makes JYJ sound like famine cats despite their very strong vocal? Because I am a Cassie, I must become a blind supporter? Tell you what, I think Heading to the ground sucks even though I was a hard core Yunho's fan. Tell you what, Sungkyunkwan Scandal was AMAZING even though Micky has never ever been my bias. Tell you what, at this point in time, I still have this faith in them - that they misunderstood one another, that they only need to come face to face, that the moment Jae pulls Min into his embrace, Min will beat the craps out of Jae while crying his eyes out. And even if they don't, even if they find this new path more apt to their future, then be it trio or duo or all 5 solo, I wholeheartedly support their choices.

Don't bash one another! Get a life! Go out there and be amazing in whatever you do!
That much, is what you owe them, for all those years they make you proud, they inspire you.
And let them be human, let them get angry and frustrated and mad and ... let them be real, for once

because I am so so sick of all their diplomatic answer already.

You are the reasons why they would rather be mute than to express themselves

you - who think too highly of yourself, don't have the minimal trust in any of them

I, despise, you.

Vote for Linh - College Photo Competition

2011-01-12T18:21:00.000+08:00

http://news.sou.edu/photo/

I participated in a photo contest in SOU :) Please vote for my pictures, it means a lot for me. Each and everyone of you inspires me to capture these precious moment we share

there are 5 pictures
1. Umbrella (featuring Kelsey Lyn Ensminger ) #38
http://news.sou.edu/photo/2011/01/11/38/

2. Pride Parade #37
http://news.sou.edu/photo/2011/01/11/37/

3. Water shoot (featuring Mohammed Alghareeb )#36
http://news.sou.edu/photo/2011/01/11/36/

4. Crater Lake trip (featuring ISA) #35
http://news.sou.edu/photo/2011/01/11/35/

5. SOU Fall'10 (featuring myself) #34
http://news.sou.edu/photo/2011/01/11/34/

Simply "thumb up" the picture

For some reasons my entry was lost thus it was updated later than all the other pictures
I am at loss right now, since other pictures have already been voted up close to 120 thumb up :(
Your help means a lot to me

Thank you so so very very much

Please help me ask your friends, and your friends' friends to vote for me, only if they like my pictures :)

Help me spread the words, I really appreciate your help

love,

My-Linh Phan

Christin

2011-01-12T07:45:00.001+08:00

I wonder why every time I call out her name, I have this strong sense of security. But at this very moment, something else overwhelms me. It is not the pride and happiness which I always feel for her, but rather regret.

If only I could turn back the hand of time and do something right… I wish I could have… I wish I would have… I wish she would…

She was someone I would and I did distance myself from, someone who possesses an unwelcoming face, a rare smile, a grumpy “stay-away-from-me” aura. That was Christin of two years ago. I remember rolling my eyes if I met her on my way out of the hostel, during my sec 4 year. “It’s so going to rain, or something bad is surely going to happen” I used to tell myself each time I faced the sleepy and unfriendly Christin in the morning. Well, after two times being caught in the rain, not to mention losing my favorite book in the bus, I concluded that she was indeed my sign of unluckiness.

I thought I knew it all, yet I did not know the miracle of life…was about to happen. I did not know on that fateful night, she and I, like two parallel lines would cross, we talked from 10 till 3. I did not know I would come to trust her and rely and her and NOT being let down even once. I also could not predict that in my future, she would be the one who scold me so much, force me to sleep early, also the one who was so skinny, so small in size would protect me from harm. Nor did I know soon in the future there would be more going out, gossiping, whispering, caring, hugging and studying till morning between me and her…

Yet all these things I thought would never happen actually came true. Whenever I think about it, I think about us, and I think about my life in 2008, she was better than my favorite dish in Aston, she was better than my silky black dress in Asean Dance, better than the Great Singapore Sale, better than musicals and movies. SHE WAS THE BEST SURPRISE LIFE BROUGHT ME...
And one of the WORST PEOPLE THAT HAD TO WALK AWAY FROM ME…
(Don’t worry she is just leaving from Australia, a better place, less stress, better shopping opportunities… better looking guys…)

Above all. I would never believe that her leaving us would bring this much agony, this much anger, this much helplessness and despair out of me.
Then I learn she was indeed a blessing I was so lucky to have. I hate her so much for being Christin. Hate her because she would scold the hell out of you but will care for you till the very end. Hate her because she would slap me pink so that I would wake up from my foolishness and stupidity. She acts as if she would not give a damn but indeed she was the MOST KAPO person among us and cares the MOST about those she loves. She is the most ridiculous girl I ever know who loves so much, cares so much, sacrifices so much yet unable to ever say the 3 simple words “I LOVE YOU”. I hate her most for she watches funny clips whenever her heart is shattered so that she can laugh and hold back her tears. Hey Christin, do you know how hard it is for me to watch you like that? How can I tell you, it is OK to cry in front of me, to scream and to scold, to cry without holding back? How can I ever tell you that, it’s not weak to cry… it’s human and you are not the supergirl you think you have to be. How can I let you know that you should act according to your feelings, not opposite?

This is my Christin. I wonder if I had told her how much I sincerely love her and how much I thank her for all she has done for me, for the strength she gave, for her slow… very slow reaction to dirty joke that never fails to make me laugh whole heartedly. I wonder if she knows how important she is to me and how hard it is going to be without her, with me fighting all these battle namely A-level and you-know-who-and-who-and who… alone. I also wish she knew I felt freaking happy and honor when she voluntarily hugged me (haha, she, who hates it so much)and when she came to me and cried.
When I am in Vietnam, her text messages were my friend. Yet I cannot even meet her before she leaves Singapore. I cannot even lend her a hand to unpack and pack her 8 boxes into 6, share the joy of throwing away A-level notes and that few moments with her. I wish I had hugged her just a while longer before she left.
So, farewell, my dear Christin! Though us, being schoolmates is short, it’s is only the very very beginning of our friendship. When I say friends I really mean it, I will do WHATEVER IT TAKES, to see you again and of course attend your wedding (whoever you marry, haha, bad bad luck him).

If I ever do anything wrong that let you down, I am truly sorry. I am also sorry for not my prejudice (I wish I had become your friend 1 or 2 years before). And I am sorry for years to come when we are apart, I cannot be there for you whenever you need me. But I wish you good friends, happiness, success in life and above all love. INNOVA will never be the same without you but I promise I will stay cool ;), keep u update haha. I will do my best, beat that girl to top school in art ;) like you always said, make sure that stupid X of yours won’t do silly stuff (like dating Su) and keep my promise to meet u soon.
So girl, LIVE STRONG, we always do, ‘cuz we are CHRISTIN & MY LINH
We love and take care of ourselves, and we stay true to our Colors.
No matter what
You are my friend
Glad to have been there for u, and VERY indeed, VERY glad to know u ;)

19 random things about me

2011-01-12T07:44:00.003+08:00

#1. In 2008, my weekend plan is simple. Either RUAM, FERINA or ALONE. Which makes me, pretty much a loner. When it comes to weekend, I am very calculative. If you don’t have that much time to have fun, why don’t u choose the BEST people?

#2. I can put my life in the hands of 2 girls: INDORA AND RUAM…Though I love Ferina madly, putting my life in her hands is a big NO no, haha. The rest, nope nope no no, CHRISTIN is also this one amazing friend whom I can surely trust, but yeah, due to her compulsive shopping nature haha, we will go bankrupt very soon together.

#3. I consider a movie and dinner night a PATHETIC date and Orchard for a date is another huge NO NO to me. (Fer sure knows about this) What melts my heart? Well, something else, which I won’t tell u. Figure it out urself… u will be surprised how simple (only in case you actually bother haha)

#4. Up to now, I have 1 official boyfriend, one puppy love and that’s it. Many people think I am in a LOT of relationships, oh well, I am good at deceiving. But the truth is, I don’t need a bf to make me look good or feel good about myself. When it comes to relationship, I am very serious

#5. Never been kissed

#6. My walls of my room in Hanoi are made of book shelves, and Yes, I love reading. Marc Levy is my favorite (if you are still sticking around with Nicholas Spark’s corny all-so-predictable collection, well, it would be great to open up your eyes and bring your sentimental sense to a higher level)

#7. If there is a choice between lover and friends, which will you choose?
How about none? ‘Cuz if he loves me, he would not make me choose. And dude, if u are, truly my friends, and u know I am nuts about this guy, would u give me your blessing? If u can’t have the heart to give me the assurance that u will still love me, no matter who I date… Um, are u really my friend?
When Fer said: “I’m happy for u” when she was almost close to tears (bursting laughter) (it was a joke but Fer kinda believed that I had a weird, very weird bf), I know, if she is my friend through thick and thin. Someone who won’t lock me out of her life just because I date a freak she can’t approve ( and btw, I would rather date an interesting unique freak than just an ordinary boring guy with an Orchard-Food Court-Cathay date)

#8. I am not a soft toys or useless-stuff person (so yeah, thx but no thx I don’t wish to have soft toys for my 20th birthday). I used to adore them so much I had a collection of them (enough to fit a small room). I believe in having a relationship, a kinda connection with objects around me, not to mention soft toys. One day, I just found out that I had become too busy that I could not spend that time with any of my soft toys ( and they took up ALL the space I had on my bed). I can’t keep something or someone without loving them. Like storing soft toys or useless stuff to get all the dust in the world…. So I gave them almost all away for the younger girls who will give my soft toys the love and attention I can’t, who will talk to my soft toys, hold them dear to hearts.
When you can’t bring someone the love they deserve, no matter how much you want to hold them back. Let them go.

#9. I was home schooled for all my kindergarten life.

#10. I like to hang out with older people, or should I say, people with great life experience, a story to share or maturity. I once had a friend who was 60+ when I was 16. He has a rock band in Vietnam, performed in Press Club. He wrote a song for me, just that I was NEVER old enough to attend his concert (M18). But yeah, we did have great time talking to one another, out of the blue. And btw, I love talking to strangers who are not so strange.

#11 Wherever I go, I have a small book of Xuan Quynh's poems in my bag, just to remind me of many things that are indeed important in life.I love & write poems but no one has ever read them... Cuz the person that inspired me, would never be able to hear it. I read Vietnamese poem to Angeline, an Indonesian human wanna be (jk I love u) and she actually loves them.

#12. I will write a book, a fiction, a love story. I have started and will finish it before I am 21

#13. I don't care what people say about me. And I wont change myself JUST TO BE WHAT PPL WANT METO BE. 'Cuz if I do that, I will be JUST LIKE THEM. It does not hurt when ppl who I have no idea how they are related to my reality gossip about me. It ONLY hurt when those I truly love misunderstand me. (Jule thx for being there. Vivi, Ruam, thx for always letting me know, u understand me MORE than anyone could)

#14. I am pathetic in sport. If yoga counts, then yeah, I am still very pathetic

#15. I dream to tour around the South East Asia countries with my best friends to visit my friends. Thailand for RUAM, Indo-Jakarta for FERINA, FANIE; Indo-Medan haha for the SC GANG: INDORA, CHRISTIN, MICHELLE, CINDY, ANJELINE, DOLDO...; Indo-BANDUNG for yes, of course, LINTANG,; Indo-BALI for PUTU and BAM; Philippines for him and CANDICE BALETE, ZIP; Malaysia for CHRISTABEL and VANESSA CHIN...

#16. I modeled when I was a kid. Fashion show, pretty lights...

#17. I dont turn my head around to see a handsome guy (who cares?) but I will definitely turn my whole body around JUST to adore a VESPA. I have 1, Vespa (Spring ) blue and white. when u have a vespa, it is not about looking "cool" with it, it is much more about loving it, loving a sick, easily breakdown person... Once u know ur Vespa well, this is when u experience true love.

#18. When I was 18, I had it all and lost it all.

#19. I love my parents, I still say "love u, mom" before we end our conversation. I love my cousins, all of them: NGoc, Bi, Hon, Trang, Giang, Duy, Co, Tung... I think they are really really talented and extremely cool yet insane and fun to be with. I am blessed to have and be loved them. Dear, no matter where u are, what mistakes u make, what weird decision, strange lover u have, I support u as long as u are happy

Just some stuff about me. Not much, not enough for u to understand me inside out. Right now, I just wish, I have enough courage and determination to study and get into a GREAT university. I am not perfect, but I have grown to love my imperfection. This is me and who I am, I thank YOU for all that you have done.

1. Thank YOU, those who love me no matter what. Friends are for life. Little things you do may have saved me from falling down, little smile you gave, tiny touch, a sweet blink, a small notes... all these engrave in my heart and forever, eternally thankful

2. Thank YOU, whose who hurt, who misunderstand and gossip.I thank YOU who bother to break me down and make my life miserable. If I had not met u, I would not be the tough girl I am today, I would never be able to hold my head high no matter what. I guess u must care about me enough to do all these. And for all that misery u brought, I thank you

20 people i love

2011-01-12T07:44:00.001+08:00

Pick 20 friends from your list and write 20 statements in random order about each friend without mentioning their name. Tag them in the note. If you've been tagged, tag the person who tagged you and 19 others and list 20 things about the people you've tagged. Copy and paste this message before your list

IN NO PARTICULAR ORDER!!

1. She. She was someone I hated to the core. Some crazy nuts who is extremely messy and germie ;) She possesses a funny brain which is smaller than her b**bs, definitely. It does not function when we talk about math. Yet when it comes to humanities subjects, it reveals its freaky self. I hated her for she 1, was a cheerleader 2, acted like a cheerleader 3, thought like a cheerleader, 4. Screamed with her high pitch voice AS a cheerleader. Now she still 1, is a cheerleader 2, acts like a cheerleader 3, thinks like a cheerleader and 4, yeah, still screams as a cheerleader (this is NOT 1 2 3 4 love); but certainly, I start to see more in her (rather than her b**bs) as a batch mates, as a friend. Hate to say I love someone I hated. I wonder with that special brain she has, she would understand I enjoy being mean and laughing at her as much as caring and appreciating her goodness. Yes, Germie, we better top Lit to honor Miss Lin.

2. He. He is funny he is caring he is another nut cases which I care much about. A true brother who is totally non-blood related. He never failed to surprise me with every present he gave, everything that he does. Up till this moment, I still look at my 19th bday present with massive confusion and of course, with a broad smile. He is in love and I am extremely happy that he finds true happiness in her eyes. I strongly believe he will grow up into a man whom every man respects and every woman desires. Why do I know that? Simply b’cuz: he is my brother, right?

3. She. She does not LOOK like a teacher; she does not ACT like a teacher. Yet she is one of the best teachers I have ever had. I miserably failed Literature in EVERY single assignment back then in SCGS (by the way, we came from the same secondary school), not knowing why. When she became my teacher, I started so see things beyond black and white. When I got the 1st A in Literature, I was floating among the clouds. I guess she did not know, she had indeed, fulfilled her dreams in IJC. What she did, she salvaged such students as me, as Germie… And for the 1st time in my life, I wanted to be a teacher, too. Someone who is a friend, a sweet provider, a all-so-excited lit appreciator, a mice killer… a special teacher, just like her.

4. She. In plain English, I love her. She is the combination of all the blessing in the world, just like her name. She would appear whenever I am in the lowest point of my life, like an angel. She teaches me kindness, forgiveness and for one more time, she makes me believe that true best friendship prevails. I love the way she smiles, the way she treats those utter losers who did not even appreciate her from the 1st place. She who never thought she is AT ALL special, AT ALL talented, AT ALL smart and AT ALL kind, is actually, the smartest, kindest, most talented person in my eyes. When she smsed me: “when you are sad, I’m sad too” I finally learn there is actually soul mate in this world. Someone who knows you like no others, yet love you like no others. I found mine, on that particular faithful night when my world collapsed, and I was in despair. I guess you are the gift from heaven, the angel who is sent, to save the remaining goodness in me.

5. He. He was the reason for my laughter and tears, “my North, my South, my East and West/ My working week and Sunday rest”. He brought happiness and love into my life, opened up all the windows and showed me the world in a totally different angle. He was silly, he was childish, he was mature, he was THE one. Silly enough to go all the way to learn Vietnamese and how to ride a Vespa just because I said I would not marry anyone who can’t. Thoughtful and crazy enough, he proposed to me when he was barely 19 and me 18. When I was with him, I was myself, 17, not 70, I dare reveal my stupidity. I dare let down my hair and try to experience life… He evoked in me the most indescribable feeling, the mixture of total secured, total trust, madly in love and I became a true believer in fairy tale. When he slipped into the eternal sleep, I was in despair. It is true: “We die with the dying/ See, they depart, and we go with them/ We are born with the dead” I was reborn, into someone new, someone who would not compromise on anything less than true love, who appreciates life and lives for the moment. I thank him for loving me for who I was, with all the flaws and making me, who I am today. Dearest, we will meet again, I believe, somewhere over the rainbow… way up high.

6. They. They are 10 people I was blessed to have. 10, of all different characters, of all different dreams and desires. One of them claims to be THE MOST SELFISH yet, she cares the most for everyone. She is crazy she is pretty, she could hardly commit to anyone and any job (apart from committing crimes). She would spend hours making sure all of us look petty and left alone herself looking like a mess. Another is an artist, who is sweet and cute. Who is a push-over when she is in good mood and the totally opposite once in a blue moon. One of them is so freaking smart we wonder where she gets her brain from. She is our family’s pride and of course more than all that. . . I wish they knew, I love them as brothers and sisters, as friends for life. Sincerely from my heart, I hope for all the very best to come, all the happiness and luck for them.

7. She. She is haughty, she is unfriendly, she is slow when it comes to dirty jokes, and extremely insensitive, a true mafia who could leave her 5 finger mark on anybody who dares offend her… Who cares? I love her regardless for her dignity, strength and sincere.

8. He. He came from the past, the past that whenever I looked back, I could smile again and again. He was my true best friend, someone I understood too much up to a point, I finally realized the only thing I was sure about him was the fact that I did not understand him at all. Now we truly drift apart. Like living in the same box without acknowledging the existence of the other party, I know we can never go back to the past where we were. But your image in my memory will remain fresh and pure through the test of time. I wish u strength and bravery, to live with your inborn goodness, which I know u posses. I wish you knew, every moment with you, was the moment I treasured. As if it was just yesterday, we exchanged silly notes to one another and talked about the girl u loved in the middle of Civic lesson, Ngo Si Lien, Hanoi, once upon a time.

9. She. Come to think about it, she is the silliest best friend I ever had. A true Big Pink Loser in most people eyes, yet a totally adorable, honest, creative freak in my heart. We can walk and walk and talk and talk about almost everything and anything. From the total jerks we used to have a crush on and now loathe, to the most serious topic: our dreams. She is indeed, lame, absurd. But I enjoy every bit of her insanity. "cuz what shines in her is her sincerity and kind heart. Darling, I want to see my future, with u. I want to go for exhibition not with you but BY you, OF you. I want to see u success, live in style. Must I say: I love u?

10. She. It would be more appropriate if I met her in the ZOO, not in Innova JC or Oldham Hall. She can scream like a jungle of monkeys, be shameless like an elephant, strong like a buffalo, fast like a zebra (taking about bra haha, she is as flat as the wall of the zoo) But of course, I love her like elephant loves NUTS lol for all that she is and the fact that she cares.

11. She. She is NOT JUST and AHM who will make sure that you come back on time, sleep in your room at correct hour. She is NOT JUST the lady whose smile can bright up your gloomy day. She is NOT JUST someone who cares about your anything and everything. She is THE one we all love and adore. When I am with her, it’s just like I am with a best friend. I wish I would grow up into someone like her, someone with such a warm, opening heart. I wish her happiness and above all love. I don’t know much about the world outside Oldham Hall door, but whoever ends up sharing his life with her, must be the luckiest man on earth. Pray that he will find her, soon.

12. She. What can I say? She is one of the most important people that change my life. She is like the refreshing wind that take me away from all my “why, huh? What? How come”. I absolutely admire her free spirit and spontaneous nature. This moment she can be screaming on the top of her lung on the highest building of Singapore, yet the next moment, she can just be sitting lazily and quietly in some corner of a café shop at midnight. She taught me to breath, touch and taste life, not just stand and stare at it. When I am with her, I enjoy getting lost, traveling, cooking and learning to make handmade cards. Dearest, I will always remember u and me and the tiny room in Oxford, how we used to share ¼ of the KFC meal, walked under this tiny umbrella and how you comfort me as we continuously got lost on our way back.. Though we are really far apart, but I truly wish one day, we will be able to bag pack together again. I adore and admire u so much. May the stars watch over you!

13. She. A caretaker of many other Emovians. The one who would iron Ivan’s uniform, talks to Andika when he turns emo, bakes cookies for all of us during valentine day. And yet in my eyes, she is just this silly, crazy friend who OMG, she is turning 20.

14. She. My ex roommate. My YUMMY YUMMY DEARY DEARY ROOM MATE, who is my caretaker. She would make sure (damn sure) that I ate properly, I slept enough, that I did not cry too much thinking about him. She would go out with me ONLY when both of us faked MC. This fluffy roommate I had, by far, has been the best ever. We can talk about her favorite topic: FOOD and got out of bed almost immediately to cook something together. I wish she knows, that over here in this air-con room, with my sarcasm unappreciated I miss her like mad

15. She. The only ABSOLUTELY morally correct soul left in the whole entire world. A respectable young lady who would never go against her words (I am so happy she said she loved me). The perfect daughter/ student that parents and teacher dream of. She is one of my best friends in Singapore. She will stand strong when all collapses. She will simply smile believing, bad things happen for a reason and they will all be gone. I wish her love, knowing well, such a girl like her will be loved as she deserved. So much love and respect from all those around her.

16. She. She is the only truly kind Singaporean friend previously from my secondary school, When I learned that actually she is from Hong kong, I was like ...no wonder lol. She is a maniac when we talk about fashion. She is someone who lives in style, being judged for living in style yet, still brave enough to remain true to herself. Way to go, girl. Now we don't share the same table for lesson any more. I wish u all the best and GET WELL SOON!

17. She. Thousands miles away from one another, millions (and still counting) differences that could have separated us apart. Yet, even when she is OVER THERE in the USA, with her new life, new habits and I am OVER HERE in Singapore, with my new world, new challenges, I believe once together, our friendship will still be the same. Just like the good old days, maybe better. maybe better than best.

18. She. My present roommate, well not directly but soon to be. She is moody and nutty. She can be extremely nice and extremely startled, easily mad. Yet, in those horrible moments I encounter recently, all I can remember is her hug, her nonsensical yet extremely heartwarming conversation. Knowing that she and THEY will be there, right behind my back to watch out for me makes me appreciate this rare friendship across all culture and religion boundaries

19. She. Being friend with her taught me to grow up, be patient and kind (which is rarely seen in me). She is this SOMEONE to care for, someone to motivate, to make sure she knows her own value. Talented, smart (inborn clever), a great singer with a beautiful face, I wonder if she sees herself in the mirror the way we see her. 'Cuz if she does, I would be damn sure, she would not hurt herself that much. Guess what? I adore u, though u are just another nut case. Take care of urself, as u are no longer near us. Take care of my little darling. She is fab and awesome, just that she need to learn to LOVE. starting from herself.

20. Them. They are the fairy tale of my life. They are in love, in such pure and overwhelming love that I could just sit quietly around the house, listening to their everyday conversation, wondering how such love prevails after all difficulties in life. Yes, 20 years +6 has passed and yet he still sings "first love" as her bday gift every year, never forgets to sms her night night when he is away, and of course, roses for even not so special occasions. For who they are and how they fall for one another, once again, I have faith in life, in love, in true love even after marriage, after all, said and done

The couple I admire

My DBSK

2011-01-12T07:43:00.002+08:00

Using only song names from ONE ARTIST, cleverly answer these questions. Pass it on to 20 people including me. You can't use the band I used. Try not to repeat a song titles. It's a lot harder than you think! Repost as "My Life According to (BAND NAME)" '

My DBSK

Pick Your Artist:
DBSK ( I miss u)

Are you a male or female?
Wicked Woman (Are you a good girl?)

Describe yourself:
"Eternally Sweet" - T_____T jk
"I can't put into words"... i.e "Mirotic"

How do you feel:
"Ha Ha Ha"

Describe where you currently live:
"Magic Castle"

If you could go anywhere, where would you go:
"Let's go home on foot" or actually I want to go back to the "Forgotten seasons"

Your favourite form of transportation:
"Taxi" ? Not really "Drive" ??? - ok "footsteps"

Your best friends are:
"Crazy Love" lol "Hug"
"You're my miracle"

Your favourite colour is:
"Ever green" and "kiss the baby sky"

What's the weather like:
"Rainy Blue"

If your life was a TV show, what would it be called:
"WILD SOUL"

What is life to you:
"Travel Log"

Your current relationship:
"12:34 Nothing better" - "Survivor" ("Love after love")
i.e: I am single and happy

Breaking up:
"Love bye love"... "Holding back the tears"... "Insa" ..."Hey! Don't bring me down!"

Looking for:
"My destiny" / "Somebody to love" or simply ... "Tea for two"

Wouldn’t mind:
"The way you are" and "White lies"

Your fear:
"Dangerous mind"

What is the best advice you have to give:
"Share the world"

If you could change your name, you would change it to:
"Xiahtic" lol jk

Thought for the Day:
O"-正.反.合. ("O" - Jung.Ban.Hap.)

How I would like to die:
Kiss Shita Mama, Sayonara

My motto:
"Believe [믿어요]" in "Rising sun"

for Fatty, the master of the house

2011-01-12T07:42:00.000+08:00

it was a cat and you give it a name

it was a cat and you shower it with love - for the love it returns was no less, perhaps more than you could ever imagine

... and before you know it, there is no longer a cat, a dog, an ob_ect

he then has a name, a meaning, a space in your heart.

And you suddenly wonder how ridiculously hard at first it was to let him in your heart, to open the door and greet him with warmth

this is the story of a cat who became Fatty, U' and above all, this is the story of the very special one I love.

For you Fatty, my dear

your elegy

---

when that particular cat came to my family, it was white, skinny and scared. That was all I could remember. For an only child like me, who never had a pet before, this experience was as new. I remembered we sat in front of one another. It stayed in second floor, hid behind the chair and stole one or two glances at the unfamiliar house - while I crossed my legs, sat on the floor, reached out my hands with hesitance. We were both scared of scratches and unkindness. We were both worried about re_ection. What was the difference? Fatty and I? We were two kids who desired love from the other party

when that particular cat came into the family - we never knew how much we learned to open our heart, to love, to care. However, now looking back, it was not what we give but what we received from him that makes us all the better people. He would always wait till the last member of the family go to sleep before he truly drifted into the lala land. He would guard the house, scare strangers off and watch out for mom's wallet - which made me wonder if Fatty had an identity crisis, an illusion of him being a dog. He would crawl into my laps and let me hold him for a longer while, till I stopped crying, till I miss my particular some one less, till the pain that was weighing down my heart subsided. He would do hundreds and million things that annoyed the craps out of me. But every single thing that he made me a little too dramatically upset is every single gigantic thing I would miss and long for.

We could make him stay, but the doctor estimates, Fatty cannot hold on any much longer. Thinking about the needle and the pain he's suffering and our selfish longing, the imprisoned love - we decide to let him go. Once again, we all realize that Fatty has taught us the most valuable lesson of all: to love with all our heart, but when it's the right time. we should let go. So Mom's watching every breath he takes now... cuz every breath he takes can be his last. 'Cuz tomorrow when dad comes home from work, he would be greeted with an empty house. And in the future, when I return from the States, no matter how hard I call out his name: Fatty will no longer rush down the stairs, miss a few steps, land on his butt, make me laugh, stick all his white hair on my black coat... I would not be able to say with confidence: "Fatty will scratch your face off" to all those people I dislike very very much as if Fatty is my guardian angle. He would not be able to do every single little thing we love and hate about him.

I will remember today, December 24th, when I captured the last picture of fatty through Skype. it was blurry and he was too weak to stand up and walked near the laptop, too weak to mess up the keyboard and type whatever like usual. My mother has already arranged for his departure once he decides to go to the other side of the world. Fatty will rest next to grandma - so he will be loved even in heaven.

Because after all, it was no ordinary cat. He was no ordinary cat. He was Fatty. and for the simple fact that he was Fatty, he made everything different. He completes our family, in an unique way no one and nothing can.

Because we love him and he became Fatty. and Fatty - he, was the master of the house, the younger brother of mine, the dear kid mom and dad go home for when I am away, the perfect companion when i cry... he was everything we ever wanted - and someone who held this family so close so dear together.

I wonder if we love him because he was Fatty or he was Fatty because we love him

but it doesn't matter, dear :) even when you are not around anymore, you don't vanish. As long as mom, dad and I and the thousands of people who know us - know we love you still remember the 10kg white meaniee cat named Fatty - you are still here, in our heart

for Fatty, I pray, for your departure to the other world with ease.

rest in peace.

we love you so so so much, it's killing us to ever see you in pain

future

2010-12-08T16:21:00.001+08:00

I stop counting the months and days, the hours and second since your departure. It hurts. I made a point to myself that I will talk about you with dignity and pride, with happiness not sorrow, with what we had not what we missed out - the moments together, not the eternity of separation. I remember the first time I did not cry mentioning your name. I remember every tremble of my lips, every ache in my heart - and my pale pale finger tips pressing tight on my skin.

It was fine. It has been fine and it will be. It came to me as a surprise when I realized this - not too long ago: I no longer fear death. It was not about the pain, not about what is left behind, but rather, I regret the future - beautiful faces I will not have the chance to see, love I will not have the chance to experience, life as the whole I do not have the chance to cherish. I wonder if you ever thought about the possible future. And in my most private moment, I cry.

I don't miss you in the rain, in loneliness or in fear. I miss you the most when the sun shines gorgeously casting magic spells that set fire to my desire. I want to soar. I miss you the most when I am on top of the world, when I am proud and happy. I wish you were here - now - experience this - LIFE - as it is - first snowflake touching the tip of my nose - first summer rain drop signalling the long holiday - Ashland in Halloween - and I - me, grown up yet not forgetting my dream - my love. I never forget you.

I miss you the most, when I am in class with my students, whose eyes sparkle - I miss you the most when one of my autistic learners came to me after class and asked if it was OK that he read me his poem - and before I could say YES, YES, YES PLEASE - he already finished all the lines. I miss you so much then, when I am close to tears of happiness.

I wish you had seen this future - my presence and chose to stay.

It would have been really nice, I guess.

would have been perfectly wonderful

to fight anything and everything for the future - for this chance of kissing through the pain.

my hands are cold, dear. and it's cold outside. how have you been?

ash land

2010-09-30T01:42:00.002+08:00

ash land

i travel to the place where never once your name's heard.
i whisper the sound
Y-O-U
breathless
- my secret treasure
I hold dear

hush
not too loud
hush
just enough
to keep me going
the howling path
these tiny feet, firmly pressed against the earth
i know where i am going
why i am here
why we are apart
hush
just enough
to preserve your pure ignorance
the determined road
your dignified steps, firmly mark the ground
you are sure where you are heading
why you must leave
but no...
you willl never know
why I let you go

---

i travel to the land where our love's a fairy tale
where all faces - a pleasant surprise, all smile - a genuine bliss
where no past memories haunt
where "us" don't exist
only me... and my cherished story
of the modern tragic ending
kept in a locker
whose key's
eternally
lost

W

2010-09-06T00:45:00.000+08:00

someone... please

please teach me how to hold my tears listening to W
Teach me how to suppress these emotions welling up
Teach me how to shatter those waves of negative thoughts, prevent them from drowning me in despair...

please teach me to listen to their new songs, without unconsciously searching for the voices of the missing members
Teach me how to look at Jae without wondering where his "glow" had faded to
Teach me how to numb the pain in my heart staring at his blank face.

someone please.

I want to love them easy, love them pure, love them reckless
...
but today, I still cry - too easily... "keep in mind that I love you"
I am clueless, and I am tired.
and these heartaches only make me realize - how much I truly love DBSK

W: on play back - cut me open, cut me raw

#"too" - 1."too"long

2010-08-11T14:35:00.001+08:00

"too" is never good

1. "too long" - I have been gone for too long, I forget how I could be so desperately missing you

There were those good long-gone days: we used to talk, to share stupid silly stories of our days, how I snobbishly hated the sound of bad English, how you snobbishly hated those people who came from that huge huge crowded land... You used to laugh at me and my flickish nature, about the fact that I was so obsessed with wedding dresses... You used to make that joke that I could not wait to get married - I was barely 16, but when it came out of your lips, it hurt somehow. somehow, I couldn't handle that picture of the future you painted: the vast desert we would walk together just so another girl would wait for you at the oasis and I would be left abandoned behind.

but then, it was all past story. We "used to" - it means now we don't, we are not doing it anymore and chances are, we will never do it again.

I did not mind walking till the end of the world with you. What did I need? I was that young, that blinded and that naive. How I hate the fact that I then did Lit. How I hate the fact that I automatically read between the lines, even when I do not want to. How I hate the fact that I could not ignore what you unconsciously meant - I know you would never meant to hurt me in any possibly way.

Because you loved me - unconsciously, even when you did never realize that, and even you tirelessly chased pavements, looking for your own shadow. I knew you loved me. And so I waited waited waited not because I was stupid, not as if I did not understand you... but I chose to believe, I chose to keep my faith in you - in the "you" my dear would become, not the "you" you truly were.

Unpredictably, One day we both got tired of this endless game, unrequited love, childish selfishness. I was too difficult, and you wanted things to be easy. We were both coward, afraid to loose one another not knowing we could have it all.

But then I was gone, gone for far too long...

It was supposed to be a month so that my wounded heart would heal. I dragged another few weeks - because it still hurt when I thought of those nonsensical night conversations and the piles of cards on the top of my bed. When the 1 year mark struck me with awe, and my heart still responded to the mention of your name - I knew it would never change. True, we will grow old and get callous - so much so knife could not slide past our stubbornness. Unfortunately, I had gotten too used to the empty space by my side. I had gotten used to cross those miles and miles and dealing with my own misery.

Fatty still had problem with his butt, and I stopped laughing about that poor cat's story. I still loved wedding dress and wedding related world, and I no longer give a damn what people say.

I have gone for too long, away from you, it became a part of my reality: your absence, the fact that you would not be there and I would not need you desperately.

Be well, and cross your miles, see new things and meet new people, love another girl, who must be awesome and worth trading your best friend's life for. When you finally stood at the place on top of those deserted mountains - victory without anyone to share with, when your exhausted legs quited carrying your burden heart and shattered soul across Oxford bumpy lanes, when you watched the morning rise after that sleepless night without anyone's whisper of encouragement on the other side of the line, you would know why...

I love wedding dresses so much

I have gone for too long, I forgot what it was like, to have you to share those parts of my days. Be well, no one dies for not having another someone by their side; no one dies for loosing a precious habit. No one, not you and not me.

Remember, I would only be there if you wanted me too, not because you could not live without me

We both were gone for too long... And I thank you so much, more than you would ever imagine for walking away from me the day I turned my back against you. If you didn't, I would not know this fine world, the one now I am experiencing. I am doing great, and I would love to know you are great too. Can we ever hate one another? From the bottom of my heart, I know the answer.
too long ago, we were kids

and anything "too" is never good

side note: Taeyang's Wedding dress is being played in arirang radio at that moment, the moment I finished
this post. I start believing in life's messages for me. It will come, the day, I am in my wedding dress, and you congratulate me! and I would be darn happy and you would be happy for me too. You will see that I look wonderful in wedding dress because I am loved and faithful - and you will understand me, the part of me that a 16-year-old boy could not. Be well, truly, be well.

29Jul09-10: A Year From now

2010-07-30T00:09:00.000+08:00

2009-2010

Do you realize it has been a year exact?

Nightmares start every July 29th - in 2009, then 2010, but with despair comes hope and determination, with devastation comes faith in dignity. Since there isn't Rising Sun on my head, I am walking toward the Purple line... I will see you there, Yes, I am meeting you there.

Definitely,

You will come back - as 5

And I will be back - as well...

29th July, 2011, let it not be another nightmare

Definitely,

it won't

because they're mine (and I am no longer willing to share)

2010-06-18T16:24:00.000+08:00

We sat across the table. Together but apart. My eyes had already darted to another side of the rooftop cafe. Uncomfortable, undesirable, unusual, we both did not see the need to salvage a lifeless conversation. She only needed to see my face in front of hers, but did not want to hear my opinion (bitterly I laughed, pretended to ask myself "why")

The heat was not helping and the fact that I could not find the usual politeness to pretend cheerful and interested only made it worse. She was busy with her facebook, meticulously deleted, untagged, removed contact, wiping away any trace of her previous boyfriend - the once angel now turned bastard, according to her. I was busy with my itouch, reading news regarding DBSK - the last boys that mattered much to me at this moment.

She: You don't write often anymore
Me: huh?
He: I read your blogs
Me: (not dignify her devotion with an answer)
She: All three of them
Me: (reluctant) Thank you. I don't update that often anymore
He: I like them, and the lack of your explained emotion is scary, sometimes, not knowing what you think
Me: Since when you care so much about my emotion (laugh light heartedly) You were always busy with your boy friends
She: Once in a while, when I am single and bored. I like your honest emotion
Me: Don't you think emotions, once crafted, scripted and beautified are pure fiction?

...

Silence again, and this time, it became worse. Someone hummed a song I knew, and my mind sang along... quietly. I remembered the lyric, I knew the lines, I felt it. Off tune - that's what we were. I caught a note she

She: Read my notes
Me: Where?
She: Facebook
Me: The one you tag half of the world in?
She: Don't be nasty. How is it?
Me: I hate it
She: so many people press "like" you are such a snob
Me: I don't understand those people who go in and "like" someone's breakup. Nor will I ever think highly of those people who publicly insult their ex-boyfriend/ husband/ best friends, you name it. Oh, have I not mentioned those who brag about their branded shopping list - my list of those why-the-f**k-they-wrote-it notes is long.
She: That's why people think you are rude
Me: Rude I am, but I can't pretend to clap. What a wonderful way you insult your boyfriend! - should I comment something like that
She: Whatever

And then while she went on her routine, meticulously deleted, untagged, removed contact, wiping away any trace of her previous boyfriend. I rolled my eyes again and again at things I saw. I was like that - and I will not lie. I used to write blogs out of anger, used to say things I did not mean to, I used to write when I feel like, let my emotion raw and crude.And of course, the consequence :) I used to hurt so many people in the attempt to clear my head to express myself. We are the same, yet different, me and her - or so I thought. We all wrote something today and in the future regret. But it was me of yesterday and her of today, there is one different. I never went such miles to delete, to erase, tp pretend that it was not there. You can lie to your next boyfriend - the at-the-moment angel but you can't lie to yourself, or so I guess.

She: Brushing teeth int the center of the world, you wrote that?
Me: No, someone stole my password and wrote it in such My-Linh's voice
She: Shut up
Me:....
She: You won't vent your anger anymore in your blog? Never ever?
Me: I won't write impulsively anymore
She: Why?
Me: Because they are mine, and I no longer am willing to share those pieces of my heart to just anyone and everyone. I don't want to make my emotion into Amsterdam whores in red light district, showing intimate flesh for the public to ridicule more than muse. I am sorry if I offended the Holland girls.
She: You are being extreme
Me: No, I just stop being naive - thinking people will understand craps and feel sorry for me. Oh well, how's your new note going?

She never published that new note, or so I recalled. It's been a week and there had been less emotional and depressing facebook status. She retagged her ex-boyfriend in those pictures. I heard they talked and hugged each other cry. I heard they made it up and talked to one another nicely. The last time she talked he wasn't called the sonofabitch anymore.

I breathed evenly even when my blood boiled close to 100 degree. Because they are mine, he-whom I have not yet met- will be mine and mine alone (or so it must be), it gets cloudier and cloudier each day, when I thought about my change. Could it be? One day you wake up, and find your perfect sky is torn, yet you still smile contently? Could it be? One day you wake up to see the reflection in the mirror, the opposite person you once were - yet you don't feel the slightest sorrow ? Could it be?

Yes, I am 21.

The game we played

2010-06-09T16:37:00.000+08:00

that childhood day, we played

one dangerous game, in a particular way

tear shed, heart broken

Knowing not what were forsaken

I didn’t mind loosing, only if it meant:you’re winning

It’s a mere game, my love - the real thing

But you lost yourself in that cold-blooded rule

Believe it or not, we’re both no body’s fool

It’s the choice we made

It’s my heart you break

remember?

The line we drew - game v.s. truth

out of chalk, back then, how childish the way we should

now cut me open

that line was chosen

…

White flag - I lost, I am out of the game

The loser loses it all - Start forgetting my name

remember?

that “forever”

it should have been “never”

believe me, it really should have been “never… ever”

Also human

2010-05-12T15:24:00.002+08:00

One more beer, another cheer

Don't you know, I was waiting for you here?

Midnight airport, "It isn't unfair!" - you were too drunk to be there

Because you are a man

It's only natural

One more forgotten promise, our anniversary - was I the only one who cherished?

Weekdays for work - Fri' for sport - Sat' Sun', god-knows-what - in your picture, where do I fit?

Your eyes wander off - my presence, matter not?

Because you are a man

It's only natural.

Because you are a man

It's only natural: your ego: your best friend

Your ambition: top priority

So what about me?

Because, indeed, before loving you

Before learning by heart all the craps - what a "good" woman "should" feel

Sacrifice - alibi.

Theory aside, I am also human

Human seeks happiness

I long for mutual bliss.

So, calmly gently to your face

- the one I adore, the one I'll never hate

"I have had enough"

"... and I'd love to break up"

Because I am also human

It's only natural

May, '10

I am turning 21

My-Linh's note:

"Also human" was inspired by this clip above - and a painful story of my classmate, whom I wonder if her decision for happiness has turned from illusion to reality. There have been many lessons taught - double of which are memorized by women, for their own sake. "Don't get jealous, it's not the way" "Be forgiving, he only sleeps with your close friend once" - I feel like laughing my ass off, but in a unbearably bitter manner

Those kinds of pure craps, I have heard, I have seen, I have wondered: where woman's dignity went. To the black hole of man's happiness? To the silence of their deafening despair? Since when the definition of love, sacrifice is this distorted, twisted to the favor of man?

Too many questions and too much silence - I am not in a relationship now - I can look and talk in this manner without an blind eye. But who knows? Who can tell? Who can assure me: that all these actions do not worth it all.

... to some women, it's unbearable "he" is not there.

It isn't love, it's possession. What isn't yours, will never be yours.

"Illusion never changed, into something real" - "Torn"

One fine morning you wakes up - I would not love to see your perfect sky is torn.

April was gone...

2010-04-30T00:33:00.003+08:00

夜曲_Ye Qu / Nocturne

一群嗜血的蚂蚁被腐肉所吸引
A crowd of bloodthirsty ants are drawn by rotting flesh
我面无表情看孤独的风景
I watch the lonely scenery with an expressionless face
失去你　爱恨开始分明
Having lost you, love and hate becomes clear
失去你　还有什么事好关心
Having lost you, is there anything left to care about
当鸽子不再象征和平
When the doves no longer represent peace
我终于被提醒　广场上喂食的是秃鹰
I've finally been reminded, that those feeding in the plaza are, in fact, vultures,
我用漂亮的押韵形容被掠夺一空的爱情
I use beautiful rhymes to describe a love that has been plundered empty

啊乌云开始遮蔽夜色不干净
Ah, black clouds begin to obstruct [the sky], the color of the night is unclean
公园里葬礼的回音在漫天飞行
Echoes of that funeral in the park, are flying all through the sky
送你的白色玫瑰在纯黑的环境凋零
The white rose that [ I ] gave to you has withered in this environment of pure darkness
乌鸦在树枝上诡异的很安静　　
On branches, the silence of the crows creates a surreal atmosphere
静静听　我黑色的大衣　想温暖你
Listening quietly, my black overcoat yearns to provide you warmth
日渐冰冷的回忆走过的走过的生命
A memory that grows colder with each passing day, a life that's gone,
啊~四周弥漫雾气
ah ~si zhou mi man wu qi
Ah, fog fills the air all around
啊~我在空旷的墓地
ah ~wo zai kong kuang de mu di
Ah, I am in an open cemetery
老去后还爱你
[ I will ] still love you after I've aged

为你弹奏萧邦的夜曲

For you [ I ] play Chopin's Nocturne

纪念我死去的爱情

To commemorate this deceased love of mine

跟夜风一样的声音

Just like a wind in the night

心碎的很好听

So heartbreakingly beautiful

手在键盘敲很轻

[ I ] gently stroke the keys

我给的思念很小心

The longing that I gave was very tentative

你埋葬的地方叫幽冥

You are buried in a place called the afterlife

为你弹奏萧邦的夜曲

For you [ I ] play Chopin's Nocturne

纪念我死去的爱情

To commemorate this deceased love of mine

而我为你隐姓埋名

And for you I've become anonymous

在月光下弹琴

Playing the piano, soaked the moonlight

对你心跳的感应

The feeling of your heartbeat

还是如此温热清晰

Is still so warm and clear

怀念你那鲜红的唇印

I remember the scarlet imprint of you lips

那些断翅的蜻蜓　散落在这森林

Those dragonflies who have lost their wings, are scattered in this forest

而我的眼睛　没有丝毫同情

And yet my eyes do not show a shred of sympathy

失去你　泪水混浊不清

Having lost you, my tears are murky and blurred

失去你　我连笑容都有阴影

Having lost you, even my smile holds shadows

风在长满青苔的屋顶

The wind on the moss-covered rooftop

嘲笑我的伤心

Ridicules my sadness

像一口没有水的枯井

Like a waterless well
我用凄美的字型

I use an exquisite font-type

描绘后悔莫及的那爱情

To reminisce that love which not even regret will bring back

*****

There was a door… a gate… a fine line –two worlds apart.

There were two lovers… two lives… two paths – once merge, now separated.

A moment of fate, of giving up and letting go – a life time of regret, yet our separation, nothing, even remorse can bring back. No matter how much she practices the piano now, though her finger tips bleed, she can’t play Nocturne for him. There will never be a duet – two paths separated: life and death, momentary and eternity.

Exhausted, he let go… where is their promised future? Promises though unattainable, are still promises. I never think it was fair for me, to let myself be reminded of them, in every step I make, all those tiny bits traces of the lost future.

“Don’t cross over, please… Don’t!”
I remember someone’s chant, hoarse and breathless, calling in darkness – “I am selfish, I just want you by my side. I am selfish, I should not have let you go”. Even in my dream, I saw her in despair. Even in day light, I woke up with dry tears stain on my cheek.

I remember that morning. The dawn was breaking, smashing to smithereens every drop of golden sunshine – gracing the earth with the ashes of yesterday. She held back the past with her fingers chattering, trembling – pulling back the darkness’s black curtain. One last night - before he boarded the train of no return, in broad daylight I saw her drowning in the sunny despair.

I remember those dreams, where she looked for him in her dreamless sleeps - where she wandered in the jungle of lost future, forsaken happiness direction-less– just to wake up in that reality called nightmare. I saw her walking on broken glass in perfect ignorance.

I remember that song, she hummed lowly, stuck in her throat, in the break between her sobs, that prayer she chanted for his smooth path to the other life. I remember her voice muffled, drown in her own tears – “ Don’t call his name! Let him venture to eternity in peace!” In her lullaby, she saw him smiling gently in the place she would never enter.

And I remember kindness. I remember embraces where she let her shattered self held firm. I remember endless breakdown – and pickups. I remember her locking her heart in the castle on the cloud – there were compassion she would live her life to pay off, and there were grudges she would never – never ever let go.

I remember her face… the girl I saw in my mirror three years ago – swollen eyes, pale skin. I stood dumbfounded, watching him crossed that line – of life and dead decisively while she pondered, tortured her heart for a good 2 years before crossing another gate. I still remember this particular day, 3 years ago, when I learned what it meant, what it was like see the world collapse in front of me – and build it up from ashes.

I now watch my past like an audience appreciating a movie clip, detaching my emotion away strategically for the sake of my sanity. What has slept, may rest in peace. Still, when I spell their names out on a piece of paper, my heart aches. In that place between dreams and consciousness, before duty hit hard, this was where I can let myself cry for them - those names I loved.

Those were, the names I loved, with my every fiber of my being. Those were the echoes of my past… , which drowns gradually in the call of my future.

April was gone...

Society.me_03

2010-04-26T16:08:00.001+08:00

Q: Toki wo tomete. If you had the power, would you stop the time?

:) you really don't know how long it took me to answer this question, how long it took me to think again and again to give you one final answer which I will not look back and regret.

I am a really greedy person, I wish I could travel the time... I wish I could relive 5th of March 2007, I wish I could toki wo tomete 29th April 2007... I wish I hadn't lost whom I once treasured more than my life. Greedy am I not, for wanting so much, longing to hold on too much in my hands?

But the thing is... unfortunate events, love,loss, "all good things come to an end" happen for a reason. If I keep trying to hold on to my past, pausing the time... how can I grab the future? How can I then, meet my "final" one? How can I see my children, experience life? I know there will be more loss, more pain, more obstacles - but there will be also love, happiness and there will be a new me. So, here I let go of this super power you grant me... in the trade of my future, of the unseen...

My past is gorgeous, my past is worthwhile... but I also have strong faith in my future.

so, my answer is NO, not a torn NO but a definite NO.

Apr 25, 2010 01:51:59 PM EDT

Q: Have you ever had an idea you were too ashamed to write afterwards?

@.@ no

You may think I am ... thick-skin shameless. but honestly, there has not been anything that I feel ashamed that much. But there are times, I hold myself back, not to write what I truly feel/ think. When I am mad, I can be cruel and harsh - and my mom sure teaches me better than that. I would stop myself, take a step back when I would love to let things slide.

If you are thinking of something along the line of intimate scenes lol, I mean. I am working on my writing skill anyway, so I should not avoid this question. I will have to write "smut" scene soon, I believe, if I go deeper in the fiction world. When the time comes, I will do my best and craft my imagination as artful as I can. There isn't a thin line between art and cheapskate pornography, in my belief but rather a very define gap. I won't add those scenes in to attract readers -.-" I am more confident in my attraction than resorting to that method. If I add in, I must have a good intention, and I will work hard to bring the purpose of such scene across.

Are u satisfied with my answer?

Apr 24, 2010 08:59:50 AM EDT

Q: What do you like better? Reading or writing?

It's like you are asking me: what do you like better? Receiving or giving?

Everyone likes to receive. Many would read a blog entry without commenting (writing a feedback, writing a comment, writing a few words of encouragement/ helpful critics - it's all writing) I love reading very much since young - when my eye sight was better. As I could not travel, I see the world through the eyes of the author, I see people, I meet the characters: fall in love, build up hatred... (my 1st and only love at first sight was with Ivanhoe of "Ivanhoe" by Sir Walter Scott when I was like... 12 or younger)

Sometime, I feel sorry for myself - I can't really seem to separate facts from fictions that well, despite my Lit teacher's lesson. Ms.Lin encourages me to be more realistic - not drowning myself in the image of Mr.Darcy <3 yet still... reading is like travelling to me, an escape - a wonderful one.

However, many times in my life, I would read and disagree with the author - like how I would love to change the ending, like how I would love to add a few lines here and there - how I wish I could have the power to salvage a character's downfall... Many times - also, I read really screw-up novels, which I really canNOT digest, eps. meaningless teen novels "omg like... I was the queenka and he's the kingka... and omg, we like... so so in love and omg there's the prom and I am telling you... I was the most beautiful girl with the.. omg transformation, and he sooo dumps his ex for me... I am now like..." - yeah, that kind -.-"

That was when I question myself: If I were the author, would I make it any better? That was when I want to "give" instead of "take". I do like writing a lot and many times, too much. Writing is a way of expressing your concern, your turbulence your crisis... yourSELF.You can't write poems with-OUT putting yourself a little bit in it... cutting your heart, opening the raw wound - your poems are written in the blood of your heart. You

could not write something extremely well, if you don't really know it, feel it... Mark my words, you can't really plagiarize.

Having said that, I do like both, nothing better nothing less. Without one, there can't be the other.

Apr 24, 2010 08:49:15 AM EDT

Q: Who drinks coffee with nothing in it?

not me, I'd love to have condensed milk or just milk to coat that bitterness away.

Apr 24, 2010 08:25:01 AM EDT

Q: Does Fatty kick other cats too?

lol - like his sister who has never bitch slapped/ punched/ pulled hair another chick before - Fatty has never behaved in such manner. Once his fish was eaten by the neighbor cat, he chased the intruder off his territory and scare the craps out of that poor kitty with his SCOLDING. He stood in our house and directed his rage to the other building...

I guess it's in my family culture though. lol... Fatty does kick people, indeed: like me -.-" like my cousins once in a while when we "cross the line" and disturb his sleep. Fatty is one true diva :)

... yet I think Fatty and Chuckiee will get a long very very well

Apr 24, 2010 08:24:57 AM EDT

Q: Questions or Answers?

re-Q: do you like receiving questions yourself more or reading answers of others more in this society thing?

A: I like the questions more. I like being questioned also.You know, when they ask you something, it simply means they are thinking of you and wondering about a certain issue. Some questions reveal even the way people think of you. So...it's like a platform for me to see how I have been, what scandal/ rumor I have create - again.

I don't really read others' answers - if I can't care enough about the person. I do read when it's my question though - of course, it's only natural. Just love those very honest and straight forward answers. Dislike very much those 1 - 2 words reply. :)

Apr 24, 2010 08:24:54 AM EDT

Q: whats meowen means to u?

thx Nezz for the question

To be frank - which I guess I will offend many people. I don't know a fair share of the ppl in our CR. So many mean … nothing much to me. @.@ I know! I am really bad, but I want to be very honest here.

There are too many ways meowen express their love for DBSK in CR

Some are happy go lucky kids, emotionally not too stable.

Some are really cool headed mature supporters of DBSK

Some are horny fan girl - with every definition of it

Some are like mafia @.@ who really know A LOT of things that usual fan don't

Some major in DBSK-ism, DBSK-logy.

There are a few names I want to honor.

First and foremost Myra - our big sister. She was the one that collected all of us to CR, like collecting tray cat. She has everyone's phone numbers, remembers our birthday, knows exactly which DBSK moment is in which clips and with her amazing speed, she will get that for you, total proof. She is the meowen that set standard for me. Some one I really admire. What does Myra - THE meowen mean to me? She was the reason I became a member. Like Yunho, seriously, without Yunho, there is no DBSK - said Jae, without Myra, there is NO CR.

Then Iva, she is not the reason I come, but because of her and Nemo, I stay. To be honest, I have been hurt by one meowen, whose name must have been here in my honor list but no longer. Because of that incident, I really did not feel like coming back at all. But Iva made me stay. Iva is the one who always cares too much despite the fact that she is very very much younger than me, and very very much more of a public nuisance than me. She encourages me when I don't feel like writing anymore fiction. Noisily or Quietly, she supports me and pushes me on. There would not be ACOS, not Wrong Number, Not even http://24501faith.blogspot.com/ without her. She is more than a Cassie to me, more than a Meowen, she is almost like my younger sister - the one I desire but never have

Then there is Nemo - she reminds me of myself when I was her age - guess I was not that mature. I admire her for her temper, her determination. She is young yet she does not display ridiculous fangirl behavior - eps. we are on the same page about YH. We don't talk much, but she means much to me. Knowing she reads my blog, my fanfic link, I want to write more and share more with her. I believe, being the very minority, being uniquely different from all those rich kids in her school, Nemo deserves a long round of applause. She is the friend I would love to have, back then in secondary school.

Tiff and Huong and Tin Tin - I should really mention them. They are the older sisters, but not the… eldest, mother-ish like Myra. They are rationale and they talk sense - if you talk sense to them. They can be happy can talk craps can fan-girl with you, but they mean business when it comes to DBSK love. To me they mean guidances.

And of course there are Kat, Nezz, Serbie though very different from Sel and Harang, they are my de-depression pills. My lol and omgggggggg moments. Seeing their pink chat makes me wanna smile and live those carefree moments I surpass. I don't quite agree with 3quarters the things they do, how they perceive DBSK - but without them CR is one boring place filled with tooo serious people like me. They mean pure happiness, young puppy love, silly cutie to me I am sure I miss out many people. I do rmb them, Jac - my "innocent clan" member… I do miss talking to many people of the past who could no longer find time to be here. Those name I mentioned are people whom stand out most vividly in my memory.

Not all meowen are the same. We come to love DBSK for diff reasons. We want different future for

DBSK, and of course, if there is 1 common thing we want them together as 5 again. And I guess, this one common thing makes meowen the comfort zone for me. My Cass home. where outside, ppl just can't wait to tear our faith out, to push us down and take away DBSK legendary spot.

I am blessed to have met you all

Apr 22, 2010 09:30:26 PM EDT

Q: why are your answer always damn long, like mini essays?

Well, people who do not post me questions but read my answers will wonder this: is she nuts to always write such lengthy answer?

I simply want to make a point here, that despite the fact that I don't know who send me these questions, I treasure your concern a lot. I mean it, as long as you bother to clarify your doubts before jumping in groundless assumptions, I will answer all your questions to the best of my ability. I take MYSELF serious, I take YOU and YOUR concern serious. I have been mistaken too much in these mere 21 years of my life: once accused to be a lesbian, another to date 3 different guys -.-" here and there and every where. I don't usually go and explain myself to those people who craft their own fairy tales about me - I am no pleaser to those who mean nothing to me. But recently I learn that because of this attitude, I scare people away from me, eps. people who don't even hate me, who want to know me more but hesitate to come forward.

Thus I create this society.me after Ruam, as a foundation for people to get to know me more. I don't bite - jk I do, but food only. So come and ask. I am pretty sure, you won't be disappointed at my answer.

Apr 22, 2010 08:24:46 PM EDT

Q: Who are your best friends?

- I wonder if you are looking for names - or a more general answer.

I always make my life difficult, aren't I? Since the tense is present, I assume you are looking at the particular phrase of my life.Since the question is a simple "who" I assume you want names - specifically names of my best friends.

So here we go, my one and only mother, my Crabby Ruam and my Big Pink Loser Ferina. Since I declare their names here, it's only fair that I talk a little bit about them.

1. mom: I read this lyric, and I felt absolutely true: "Mom is the first and only woman in this world, who will never betray me, even when I continuously make unforgivable mistakes in my life" - I leave it as such. She is truly the one and only person in this world who selflessly loves me more than her own self.

2. Ruam: She defines her best friends as someone who stays. And she kept her words. She stays for me. She stayed in the past, has been staying ever since the moment she saw me cry, stays in my present and I hope will be staying by my side no matter where we are, no matter what I do, no matter what decision I make in the future.

I should stop talking much about Ruam - because it could not be more obvious how much she means to me, even to my family. Rum is my parents Adopted Thai daughter.

3. Ferina Many people wonder why the hell we are best friends -.-" Fer is one innocent and kind girl with pure, ridiculously lame and cute heart. Simple girl, straight forward, while I am on the opposite side of the map - complicated, mean, sharp. Well, we both don't care if people believe us or not. The most important thing is that it was my phone number she dialed firstly when she was at one of the lowest point of her life. It was her phone number I pressed when I hit rock bottom. We are simple, really. Fer and I, our friendship is a no-brainer thing. We hate it, we say it. We dream it, we say it. We aren't afraid to do silly stuff together, or dream huge together, because we know, the other person support us wholeheartedly in every decision we make (even the one which Fer will marry a Tarzan kind of guy and me will have a Bollywood wedding -.-")

If you notice, I am having 2 best friend long distance relationship -.-" and I am not even a fan of such thing. It takes two hands to claps, if you wanna see how long we 3 last (FerRuRa) if you are curious about how not even 2 but ...6 hands claps, go to www.travelogue341.blogspot.com ;) that's how we roll. Usually I will let nature take its course, you know, we move on we drift we make new best friends. But they are truly my "keeper". I know they worth this fight against distance and life. ^.^ And I bet, they think I worth the trouble also ;) - I am possitive

--------------------------------

Many of you know know me more than 4 years, will now question my best friend list - there have been "others", and I am very proud of them. We did not break up, me and Vivi or me and Huong or me and Dung. It's true we drift apart. Put in different situations and life, we no longer speak the same language, no longer read life from the same page. For Vivi, she will not understand CCA, she won't roll her eyes and scream HELL YEAH with me if I mention OH Assembly, like I won't understand craps about her Truman lingo. But it does not mean I treasure them less. I am glad they also move on and find other people who share with them all these bits and pieces of joy and sorrow.

I now look back and treasure them, for during that particular phase of my life, they were there, they made my life worthwhile. I am sure, we still look at each other eyes with pure memories of who we were to one another.- the way we were -

Apr 22, 2010 08:08:56 PM EDT

Q: From Katharine Agnesia: whats the different between best friend n close friend, linhie???

in my own definition: best friend is someone who you trust almost completely (whom you don't feel ashamed exposing your weakness, your vulnerable your sinful crime) - who knows you for who you are - with all your "terrible" imperfections yet still, love you.

I copy from my best friend - Ruam: someone who stays - stays by my side even when the world turns their back against me. My best friends are my soul mates in a certain phrase of my life. - almost like my other self. (the feeling must be mutual)

Close friends are people whom you feel very comfortable with - those whom you could share 40% the shadow behind your back. ^^ . They are those you can truly feel at ease and trustworthy - yet you, in your heart, you won't burden them with this overwhelming power over you - they don't hold the key in your heart.

Having said that, my definitions of friends and acquaintance are pretty much different from other people.

Class mates, school mates, group mates, colleagues are class mates, school mates group mates and colleagues. What makes you think by putting 30+ people in the same box, I mean same room, you can make them bond and become friends. They are people we share a space, a moment, a phrase in our lives with. Appreciate them , of course, but don't mistake them and burden them with too much responsibilities such as: the ability to understand you, the must to comfort you when u are sad, to pick you up when your kiss the ground.

in the end, by drawing all these lines clearly, you protect your heart. When u are betrayed by an acquaintance - don't cry, doesn't worth it. People put themselves before any others, including you. Just laugh it off, slap yourself, call it a lesson learned.

Apr 22, 2010 04:36:42 PM EDT

Q: Do you put your family or your friends first ?

Family then best friends - then close friends. Seriously to me, acquaintance does NOT count, not at all. Having said that, I must say, I am really, truly, extremely blessed to have such wonderful family and extended family. I am too lucky, I believe. it's my own opinion but I really think it's silly for us to exchange something permanent for something temporary.

daughter and my younger self-adopted BPL>

Apr 22, 2010 04:04:43 PM EDT

Q: do u like to spend time with your family?

No, I don't "like" - I love, cherish, treasure those moments: late night talk with mom, light conversations with dad over Dry gin and tonic, ice tea on the pavement with my cousins... family dinner.

I used to hate to wash the dishes and do house work to the core. However, I learned to enjoy it nowadays - doing things for my family. Having been away for 4 years, finally now I am back and learn to treasure these littlest things that made me who I am today.

I really cannot wait to settle down for good in Hanoi

Apr 22, 2010 03:52:02 PM EDT

Q: what does "a chance of sunshine" mean ???

^^ I guess, by now, most of my friends understand that I am really not a studious student - I am not hard-working (last minute hard-working doesn't count) I am not diligent. I also do not have high self-discipline. Having said that, maintaining my scholarship for 4 years in Singapore is truly an achievement (pure last-minute hard-work and a lot of help from teachers and best friends)

It was too tiring and stressful - I never knew where I had the strength to make it through. I always saw myself drowning in the late night darkness, when people go to bed - the moment I finally drag my exhausted self to the study table.

I had to quit my Italian class (I did go for Italian class during my J1, from 6-8pm in Novena, 3 times per week after school) I had to quit Yoga. I did not finish my travel dream list by the time I was 20- not even close -.-" since America cannot be counted as 9 countries.

There is no point counting the "minus", the lost dreams. I chose this path, thus it's only fair that I finished what I started.

But I ask myself now: "what if I DO have the choice, what if I CAN make a different, live a less stressful life, do what I really want to do" I take this as my chance of sunshine - the chance to "live" the life I want - since I have to face the plain fact that I am really not a top scorer material, I never want to top a cohort/ a class/

I really want to make myself happy, to soak myself in the sun <3

Apr 21, 2010 04:25:16 PM EDT

Q: Yes i agree :) i am not coffee drinker but i love the taste of Vietnamese authentic coffee :) I know u like the Starbucks coffee mug LOL.

I drink coffee not to keep myself alert (despite the fact that I am very famous for being an owl -.-") but more for leisure purpose. I love the smell and the taste (which is almost completely lost after Starbucks-ized)

Having said that I love Starbucks as a culture, a brand name, a life style. I mean, where would you get a Vietnamese strong coffee in the middle of Singapore. Drinking Starbucks is like capturing the shadow of your beautiful childhood... You never quite get it, still, you are happy with the mere compromise - adoring the smoke without inhaling the your addicted cigarette flavor.

Sometime I sit in Starbucks and pretend/fool myself/ self-delude that I am sitting next to the drain on the pavement of Hanoi Street.

I love the mug somewhat as a part of the culture. In Vietnam, you sit and drink watching every drop of coffee drip drop drip drop , have a long - nonsensical yet heartwarming chit chat. In Singapore, You have a take away, taste a sip on the run - run to school, run to work - run against time to finish the last assignment on time.

The mug is adorable... lol, I am in love with it - eps the person who bought it for me <3

Apr 21, 2010 04:10:37 PM EDT

Q: Hmm I don't understand why you turn down BC! It's such a great school! Is that anything to do with the fin aid thingy?

:) I understand that both BC and Brandeis, ranking 30s - eps, BC's Lynch School of Education is one great offer that many students dream about. It was about the financial aid, since both offer NO help for international students. However, I am in the process of further negotiation for financial support from both college, with promising result.

Life does have many twists, and mine happened to occur right now. I am waiting for the last college to confirm with me the result, however, I am no longer sure if America is my final destination for the next 4 years. Many people may laugh at me now, I fought hard, I forgo many other things to just smile and walk away now.

To be honest I am torn. I will go where I become the least financial burden to my parents. I will go where I would get the most out of my college life and be the happiest.

After 4 years in Singapore, with what I have done, and what I have achieved, don't you think I deserve a chance of sunshine?

Apr 21, 2010 03:54:17 PM EDT

Q: what's the MUST listen song of DBSK, to you?

for me: "love in the ice" - beautiful harmony, heartwarming message along with my personal reason. "Love in the ice" is really a MUST-listen song since it fully depicts the vocal talents of the 5 DBSK members. 5 men, 5 different voices yet they can surely create ONE harmony named DBSK.

But this is very subjective. I am a Ballad person, so I like Love in the ice, I cried over "Toki wo tomete", want my wedding song to be "Midoyo" and sob over "Taxi" - the list is long, trust me.

If you are a youthful energetic person, well, Mirotic? Crazy love? Breakout?

You will find a suitable DBSK songs in every state of your life, trust me, I can guarantee.

Apr 20, 2010 08:14:52 AM EDT

How much I can love you

2010-04-26T02:54:00.002+08:00

"Fan-girls are someone who cry for you, but move on to marry another man. That's how much they can love you"

- Drama "You are beautiful", 2009 -

How much can I love you?

I wonder, how much can I care?

How much can my concern matter?

While, I can't even be there?

I should not play the "victim" game - blaming the situation: "I am an iCassie, that's why I don't know much and can't do much for DBSK" I am really not that kind... Nor am I the kind of person who does not think in opposing arguments, weigh the pros and cons before giving my judgement. Why am I explaining myself at this moment in time, when it's not even me to apologize for my action.

I understand very well, there is NO point bringing the mood down, NO point updating depressing news, no point talking about sad stories/ law suit, cuz guess what? EVERY one there knows all craps that are going on. EVERY one updates the news from different sources, and EVERY one is hurt - in one way or another. EVERY one suffers, enough from external pressure (other fan clubs, other critics) But i just can't come laughing along and pretending I don't know, i did not read news. I really just can't "let's not talk about it" and watch old clips to make myself temporarily feel better.

'Cuz guess what, even when we do NOT talk about it, it's still the truth, it's still there - the mess, the lawsuit, the suspension.

But what's the point of talking about it? There is nothing we can do anyway. Join a petition? Join a project? Vote for DBSK? Twit till I drop? What else can I do? All of Meowen have been sad, hurt, their hearts ache, and they really do NOT need another depressed person to come over and remind them of their tragedy.

It's this feeling that I hate the most... helplessness that I canNOT do anything significant, to solve my own heartache, not to mention easing theirs. It has been more than half a year since I came to CR. I came because of DBSK, but I stay because of Meowen. Many times I ask myself why do I keep coming back? I am not, by any means, that lonely to stay at home and stick with the computer. Meowens aren't just Cassie to me. There are times, I look at them and view them as friends - because some of them were for me when I hit rock bottom. Myra was there, Iva was there when my grandmother passed away. And That Meant The World To Me - I'll never forget that.

But I don't want to be loved for who I am not - a cheerful fan girl, an obsessed one who drool over DBSK hot pix? - no offence to those who are, cuz they are just as adorable. BUT That is just not me. That's never me. I can't just coat myself sugar while I am indeed bitter inside out. What should I do now? I was taught: it's better to be absent than making your presence a mood-spoiler. Till I am able to sort my heads out... I won't go around and bring others down.

It isn't about "how much can I love then" but rather "how much am I willing to love them"

I am sorry, I really cannot laugh for you.

_____________________________

My-Linh's reply on DBSKnights.net translation of YH's father's comment on the lawsuit, "inspired by some fans' suggestion to the admin to clear the post.

"I don't think it's appropriate for the admin to remove this article for the sake of some fans.

True enough, I am also deeply devastated thx to this news. However, removing - depriving the other Cassies from knowing what the people - I don't dare call him an "insider" here - who probably knows more than we do, talk about the situation - is truly inappropriate.

DBSKnights is our trusted source of news because they report, share what's said, what's true, what's going on with DBSK

If this news does not please some fans, then they just have to grow up and deal with it. I am not happy, you are not happy, no Cassie can jump around with this news. But before bashing anyone, we should here from both sides - and apparently this is the opinion of the person who brought Yunho to life.

So I thank DBSKnights for this news. I am really upset, but I will go and deal with it myself, rather than siding with anyone and bring down the other party.

Without this news, many of us will continue the false hope that YH and CM will join the other 3. Don't you want to see the situation for what it is NOT for what we all want it to be?"

________________________________________________

all said and more will be exposed in the future

now that I am very lost yet refuse to take side - whatever

now that I am trying t pull myself forward, without knowing how

here next to JJ, I will be found

waiting for YH, CM, JS, YC - DBSK

from this moment, till eternity

- whoever are fated, will find their paths crossed - no matter what, this is one thing I believe in - and I am damn sure, they are truly destined to be the fated 5

Society.me_02

2010-04-25T22:15:00.000+08:00

My-Linh.Phan

http://www.society.me/mylinh.phan

Q: I think you are very pretty! I mean some girls are pleasant to look at and that's why people says they are pretty. For you, you just look really unique and different:) I would say you are effortlessly pretty! And you write well! Is part of it due to the fact that you took Lit in JC? Lit is challenging for a Viet student studying in Singapore, don't you think :P?

Your question alone makes up to my very deprived list of compliment - jk, Thank you so much for such kind words and beautiful compliment.

Not many people regard me as "pretty" since I don't have symmetrical facial figures - which makes it really tough for me to have nice candid photos. It kinda hurts to hear people mocking me before. So I made a point to accept myself with my very long list of imperfections: (tilted chin, mismatched eyes, crocked teeth...) I am glad you like the way I look. I guess what my mother said was true, "You must like yourself first, before expecting others to like you" True smile isn't on the lips, but in the eyes.

It is true that Lit is very challenging, and even more for foreign students eps. the Viet because we do not use English as our mother tongue back then in our home country like the Philippines or the Malaysian. Taking Lit in JC was a huge challenge for me because I got continuous F9 back then in SCGS, and a B3 in O-Level. Still, I went for it because I really love the subject.

Lit in JC exposed me to some of the authors who changed my perspective of Literature and life, I must mention Margaret Atwood and the way she toys with diction, tense, devices. As much as I read, I learn. I am also very blessed to be guided by Ms. Josephine Lin. She corrects from my outrageous spelling to my clumsy attempts to write stylistic analysis. I really could not have a better teacher.

The way I write has been pretty much consistent since secondary school - if you read my Vietnamese blog in yahoo360. However, Lit in JC brings me up to another level of understanding what other people say, what they feel and what's the utmost concern hidden in the text. From understanding, I learn to express my thoughts in a better manner. So yes, my way of writing improved thanks to taking Lit in JC.

Lit is like a beautiful addiction to anyone who once has a taste... You just want more. I understand that it's challenging for Viet students, Thai students and many Indonesian students who do not attend international schools before. However, the hard work and the heart-work surely pays off. In the middle of my A-Level exam, I almost screamed in ecstasy as I finally understand the raw heartache the writer hides behind her outrageous statement. . . That kind of feeling... wow... really defines "ecstasy" to me, in a very healthy way ;)

Lit makes us beautiful inside out, makes us think twice before saying something unkind, makes our words from the heart twice as sharp ten times as painful and million times as heartwarming. I hope u will take Lit. Really hope u will explore its beauty.

Apr 20, 2010 08:05:52 AM EDT

Q: Are you a compulsive liar?

Yes, I am a liar. Plain truth. I am. But No, I am not compulsive. If I have to lie, it's really according to plan, well-thought with full script and there must really be some really good reasons to dignify my action. I hope this answer your question.

Apr 20, 2010 07:44:06 AM EDT

Q: Yo, u mention D-NA, aren't they just toooo cute? Do u think they will be the next DBSK?

YES, I mentioned D-NA, and NO, they are not "toooo cute". Maybe they are darn cute , but I never like "cute" guys so haha.... really not my thing

And NO, I don't think they will be the "next DBSK" or "next Shinwa" or next anything. They should just be the 1st D-NA and I believe that's wonderful ENOUGH.

Many people would love to find substitute during the period of absence. :) no offence but I don't think it's love after all. If there is something that can replace ur love, I guess, it isn't love at all. For me, I am looking forward to bright future of D-NA, MBLAQ, BEAST, FCUZ... all the new boys band whom I never quite seem to remember their songs.

There is only one DBSK won't be a "next" won't be "another"

Apr 20, 2010 06:30:28 AM EDT

Q: You said u have a "travelling wishlist". What's your travelling wishlist like?

^^ It started in 2004 and changed every now and then. It started in Hanoi, then London/Oxford due to unfortunate circumstances, I was moved to Bath, where by fate, I met someone who connect me to the next link point: Milan, Italy. I made my dream come true by transiting Thailand then Rome - Perugia, never quite make it to Milan till now, but I passed through 9 other cities in Italy, almost got to Spain but missed it

So there u see my EU dream list... However, it was postponed due to my 4 years in Singapore o.O I went to the USA in 2008 instead, D.C Boston, NY, SanFran, Cali... Somewhat I forgot my EU dream list. In SGP, I met amazing people, friends who made me wanna change my plan: So now there are Medan, Jakarta, Bali - Manila on my list. Still, best friends come 1st, after I made it to Chiangmai for Ruam, I am looking forward to Tokyo for my Ferina.

There has never been a "definite" list... I meet new people, I want to visit them, so I guess, it's now all about the people I love. For this moment, if you ask. Here is mine: Tokyo for Fer, Prague for Iva, Paris for Nemo and Moscow with my mom, before Turin ;) Italy

Wherever I am, I know the end point to this dream list. There is always Hanoi, always and forever Hanoi. That's where my heart belongs

Apr 20, 2010 06:13:52 AM EDT

Q:starbucks don't sell coffee, they sell stuff that looks like coffee, but tastes like cats p*ss.

lol... there are actually people who love love love and miss miss miss Starbucks. I am good with Vietnamese authentic coffee, I am great with sitting on the pavements somewhere in the street drinking Vietnamese coffee - with all the dust and polluted air - like I CARE.

I do enjoy Starbucks coffee - but I won't think of it as coffee, more like a sweet drink, u know, like milk tea, milk shake??? to satisfy my thirst. Starbucks really really does no good in keeping me alert @.@ still I njoy it, man, don't be so harsh

It's all about personal taste/preference

Apr 20, 2010 06:00:39 AM EDT

Q: You like Vespa because it's trendy? Don't you think it's too much work?

I must be a complete idiot to go for a Vespa just for the trend -.-" If so, I would go for SH (as if my parents can afford) or LX (for really pretty and easy life). My ancient Vespa cost 1/6 as much, breaks down 6 times as often, need 6 times as much "care"

... it's not about trend, it's an addiction, it's love. Yes, I know it's too much work, but you don't send your grandparents to Old Folk Home because they get sick too often here and there, too slow for your youthful self, I don't change my Vespa because it's not at its best.

My new Vespa has NOT broken down for the 2nd time since Feb. She's doing great, looking fab. I lovin' her.

Apr 20, 2010 05:56:03 AM EDT

Q: I read your blog <333333 and i loveeeeeeeeeee it, how can you write so beautifuuuul?

@.@ I am so flattered, and thank YOU so much for reading it - not to mention loving it. I am very blessed to have my mother, who read me love poems instead of lullaby; blessed to be taught literature and poetry by Mrs. Ho The Tan, when I was merely 7. In 2006, I met Ms. Lin, my wonderful LIT teacher in Innova who salvaged not only my grade but also my love for writing.

I do read a lot since young, thx to my parents who are book-lovers. To be honest, I am an impulsive writer - I get inspiration out of no where - like eating the leftover food from yesterday dinner alone, like sitting on a bus watching people...

However, all things said, write from your heart is the most important thing. Nothing else can be more meaningful and beautiful than something from the heart.

Thx so much and I hope you will continue to enjoy my personal blog 107b, co-author blogs: Travelogue (with 2 best friends Ruam and Ferina - travelling experience) and 24501faith (with dearest Cassie: Iva - fictions DBSK related)

Apr 18, 2010 05:30:11 PM EDT

Q: will you come back to SGP for uni?

no ^^ I promised my classmates and school mates in Singapore that I won't even apply - to lessen their competition lol. And I did keep my words. I am sure they will get the spots even if I sign up for such uni competition. Innova Students are really cool and they deserve all the best.

As for me, I appreciate 4 years in Singapore. I worked my butt off in every aspect I could, and forgo some of my dreams. I am 21 now, not in Uni yet, no bf - not that i am complaining haha, not been to all the countries in my wishlist. It isn't too late. I want to spend my uni time to "live for my life"

I guess my college/uni decision will soon come out as a shock/ a joke for many people. But I am sure I owe NO one any explanation. At the end of the day, it's really MY happiness that counts. If there is someone I feel like doing it for, it's myself.

Thx God, I have wonderful parents who support me all the way.

Apr 18, 2010 05:06:48 PM EDT

Q: chi oiiii, em yeu chi <3

Cam on em, nhung ma em la ai the? ^.^

Apr 18, 2010 04:48:44 PM EDT

Q: r u related too justin beiber if soo thats soo cool

Hey there, ^^ , I am really not related to him. I don't listen to him frequently, but he's not some artist whom I would immediately switch channel if he's on air. Admire him for such success at young age, and such cheerful stage presence. Really refreshing, indeed. It's a pity, I am not "soo cool" :(

Apr 18, 2010 02:47:50 AM EDT

Q: If DBSK does not come back ever, who's your next in line?

"You said "move on"...where do I go?" There isn't a next in line for DBSK. I do listen to almost all the other K-pop artists in the entertainment industry at the moment, from legendary singers like Shin Seung Hun to idols like KARA? D-NA? I do have special interest in FT Island, Epik High, Davichi.

However: "listen to" is one thing and become a "fan" is another thing. I am iCassiopeia of DBSK,

only DBSk and no one else.

Apr 17, 2010 06:24:17 AM EDT

Left-over

2010-04-17T22:18:00.001+08:00

The leftover
from yesterday dinner...
once, the main course
now what? the leftover
unwanted, undesired.

The left over from yesterday
You don't feel like finishing it
up
Neither are you able to throw it
away
So here it stays

Frozen, in that corner of your abandoned fridge,
Frozen to every fiber of its being, sick to the core
Frozen...

Till some morning
Woken up in your hangover
amazed: one sock in your vomited mess
- of some other "main courses" you couldn't remember

starved!
you will find me then
you will find me then
but I won't be like the
leftover
waiting tirelessly in that corner of the fridge
cold, frozen, dried up
just to warm up your empty stomach today

Hanoi, "winter" in the middle of spring

2010

-sick I am-

Society.me_01

2010-04-17T14:15:00.001+08:00

My-Linh.Phan

http://www.society.me/mylinh.phan

Q: what is the most special thing about you that you would want ppl to know about?

I stand by my best friends no matter what. Even if she does something wrong/ stupid/silly/unacceptable in my definition of it, I will not leave her struggling in her own misery. It does not mean, I would not tell her straight up: "I think this isn't right". I would, so at least she can make up her mind in a more rationale manner. However, if she insists on her way, I will support her.Who knows, she may find her happiness.

You may ask me, why would I do that? ummm... Simple answer, I was once left alone crying my eyes out for months, I was once left alone to go against all odds by my very dear "best friends"... It takes me years to see who are my truest, most truth-worthy people. Now that I know who they are, I love them with my whole heart. That's why, I would NEVER ever want them to experience such horror and loneliness I did.

Seriously, if your friends are wrong, so what? Will u be happy when u see them in despair, and laugh: "I told you before?" If MY best friends fall, I would love to be there and pick them up - just like what they did when I was kissing the ground.

... about friendship, that's something I want people to know. But this is really ONLY for best friends

:) - and I am sure they know very well who they are

Apr 17, 2010 03:36:02 AM EDT

Q: tell me one thing very few people know about u

I can really live without my phone, especially now that I am in Vietnam. I had to beg my dad to stop asking me to use it a few time, but he didn't buy it.So I turn on my phone and pray that no one contact me, eps. now when I lost my voice. If you want to find me, fb is a much better option, lol... Do you know this about me yet?

Apr 17, 2010 03:15:56 AM EDT

Q: Do you think you will forgive a cheater and give him another chance?

4 year ago I will say: "DEPEND" on the situations/ person. However people change, don't we? My answer now and ever on is final: "NO". You may think "it's his first time,common, give him a chance, he's sorry enough" but I tell you this: once a cheater always a cheater. A guy who doesn't have the balls to fight his temptation is surely a dude with no principles at all. It's in his blood, if you still want to forgive, go ahead. You are kissing a frog, hoping he will become a prince, but guess what? there is only one prince among countless frogs out there. So, you do the math...

Apr 15, 2010 03:46:32 PM EDT

Q: forgive or forget?

neither. When I do not think about something anymore, it does not mean I forgive or forget. I may let things slide, and move on. But as much as I treasure kindness, though in the form of subtle gesture, I remember the cause of my scars as well.

Apr 15, 2010 03:35:48 PM EDT

Q: Do you plan on expanding your family?

I don't quite understand your question explicitly, thus it's hard for me to answer it exactly the way you wish to know. So I will go along with my vague guesses, pardon me - if they don't satisfy you, please come back and ask me again more directly.

However, the answer is NO in all the situations I could think of.

For me, I don't plan on expanding my family - if you wonder when I am getting married. Right now I am 21. Right now I am ambitious and selfish - I am not ready to commit myself into a relationship not to mention marriage. Despite the fact that the fortune teller reminds me this is a VERY good year for 89 born to get married, and many of my friends have already sealed the deal. I am not one of them.Not till I am more mature and learn to be selfless. - less importantly, not till I meet the one

For my parents - if you wonder about "adoption". For them, all my cousins are their children, not just Angie. They also have Alex, Ruam, em Ngong, and I would not dare to forget "Fatty". . . My parents love children, young people, thus I am sure, they are ever willing to "expand" their love and guidance. However, this is FAMILY we are talking about, there is no way we can "plan" ahead.

We believe in fate. If someone is destined to join us in this FAMILY, he/she will sure come and we

will welcome him/her. However, there is no way we can plan it and there is no way we desire to do

so.

Apr 14, 2010 07:11:50 AM EDT

Q: if there is one boy say that he love u..but u just know him..how? would u accept him?

No, I wouldn't. It was too despicable a lie to tell someone you love him when you don't feel breathless not having you by your side (not to mention I just know him -.-" ). I would never commit such crime - robbing him the truth. Everyone deserves true love i.e. love and be loved in return, so does he - but more importantly, so DO I. In another words, I am really NOT that desperate to have a boyfriend, so much so I have to go such extend to cheat on my own heart.

Apr 12, 2010 10:35:58 AM EDT

Q: dinda said : sepertinya dia bukan sahabatku lagi, melainkan hanya sebatas teman biasa :(

translated by my dearest Nezz: "He's not my best friend anymore, he's just my friend" - sorry to hear so. It kinda sucks to see such great bond broken, but guess what, if he's truly your best friend, you 2 will find ur way back, if not - corny it is, it was meant to be in the past, we don't deny it BUT it's really not mean to be now anymore, or in the future. So, Cheer up, ok? :)

Apr 10, 2010 02:47:02 PM EDT

Q: i love my family..you?

I do, and I love them "more than the air I breath". I guess I know who you are, after all, I am very glad you realize it, feel that way. Love and care about them, ok? They may not love you the way you want them to, but I am very very sure, they love you with all that they have.

Apr 10, 2010 08:28:08 AM EDT

Q: how long are you willing to wait for DBSK?

as long as Cassiopeia is still shining gorgeously and faithfully in the sky, I will be rooting for their

victorious and heartwarming comeback

Apr 09, 2010 04:10:39 PM EDT

Q: Do you prefer mornings or nights?

nights - "in darkness the eyes begin to see" - I saw my true friends, and I saw the pretenders. I thank the nights.

Apr 09, 2010 12:26:17 PM EDT

Q: Have you decided which college you'd be going to this fall? And if the answer is yes, what college is that?

No, I have not. But I am turning down Boston College for sure - doesn't it feel good to be the one who can "reject" or "accept"? Once I decide, I will inform everyone who cares, sincerely cares

Apr 09, 2010 12:23:31 PM EDT

Q: what are you doing in Vietnam now?

I finally have the time to pick up skills I lack. For instance, I am re-learning Italian and piano and start fresh with another language. I also spend most of my time with my parents and extended family. I quit my job recently to concentrate on my study, but soon enough, I will head back to work again

Apr 09, 2010 12:22:15 PM EDT